Think Anew

 I quite dislike the work of Van Gogh. I do not understand his vague lines, and imperfect borders. And then there is his Almond Blossoms. It is my favourite painting, for ever and always. The much-loved print that hangs above my bed gives me joy every time I look at it. I wonder what it is that stops me from liking his other paintings. Something in my head obviously.

Every one of us has emotional baggage — something which we keep adding to as we journey through life. Physical and emotional trauma, loss, fear, fear of loss, broken bones and broken dreams, conscious or unconscious associations: they all weigh you down. Literally. Till one day, everything you feel or do is through a lens of 'experience'. Nothing fresh, nothing new, nothing actually exciting.

We know that. But what we do not realise is how damaging it is. We teach ourselves things that are not true. One thing becomes every thing. One time becomes always. One person or a group becomes all of 'them'. And then we stop listening, seeing, thinking. Our rigid mind then dwells on the 'could-have's, 'should-have's and 'must-be's. A pre-programmed fixed line of thought seems like less effort. But it is we who become less.

Whether we like it or not, whether we acknowledge it or not, we are just a bundle of nerves and feelings traversing a path no one has ever stepped on. For even if we follow other footsteps, the path is always entirely, solely our own — defined by our unique attitudes and sensitivities. Well planned or accurately anticipated, each day unfolds in a multitude of unique moments. It is we who create the experience eventually by how we react to those moments. 

A racist yells something at you in a parking lot, and now your fear and rage rear their heads every time you see a similar car and driver. You are late for a meeting because of a slow Camry holding up traffic, and now, at least for sometime, you hate all Camrys. A flower you loved becomes symblematic of  corruption and hate, and you don't buy it anymore — that is just your mind protecting itself from a discomfort it does not want to go through again. 

But, you can control and correct your thoughts. 

Yesterday's bad coffee does not mean that the new brew today will be bitter, nor does it mean that any future cups you get should be suspect. Still, that bad-coffee taste lingers, even if only in memory. 

But we must remember that each cup is a different one, each day is new start, each person we accost is a unique individual. The least we can do is to face every one of those with a fresh outlook. It takes a lot of maturity to be able to dismiss biases from our past and build our perspective on what is actually there in our present. 

With open hearts and calm minds we can make life a journey that is full of new learnings. But we have to break down self-created barriers and make space in our minds. We are capable of building a lot of new memories and experiences. We are capable of a lot of love and healing.

True Strength

I do not accept the hogwash of 'getting stronger' as you go through life. I have already shared my thoughts on this in earlier write-ups. Life's slashes cut away at your will and joy. Those blows do not make you 'stronger'. It is because you are strong that you survived.

Today, I am just trying to define what strength actually means. To me, at least.

People usually confuse strength with rebellion or aggression, or being downright rude. Real strength is quiet and not easily displayed, and not easily shaken. Aggressiveness, whether bargaining at a farmer's market or explaining a viewpoint, is rank bullying. And that is something everyone – perpetrator and spectator – should be ashamed of.

Just as looking down on others does not raise your status, showing belligerence does not give you power. It just belittles you in ways you cannot realize.

Fortitude and peace arise from a place of deeply confident comfort with your self. It is rare, and it is an extraordinary blessing. It lies not only in holding onto your own values, but in developing, growing and adapting while keeping those foundational beliefs. It lies in being accepting of even drastically different views without disturbing your own.

True strength is also displayed in being ready to change. To change your support, your environment, a notion, or a belonging. A physical change like moving homes requires so much more than logistics – it requires open-mindedness, flexibility of thought and habit, a high-tensile capacity of the heart and soul. Changing your stand on political or religious opinions requires even more. It calls for a reset of psychological and emotional scaffolding. Your values of justice and fairness may demand you to switch from supporting a country, or a charity, or a lunch group. Following those values, however unpopular, is strength. It takes a tough mind to to move away from what you do not approve of.

Physical strength is much easier to achieve. Sometimes it is simply a matter of inherent health and good nutrition. If you can run a marathon, you are fit enough. There is no need to add more just 'to exercise'. I am so tired of people thinking they are strong and disciplined because they exercise. It is a silly waste of time if it is not required, and it is despicable capitulation to peer pressure if you do not enjoy it. The life-goals and work of Cristiano Ronaldo justifies his commitment to the gym. And there is only one of him. And even he admits that much of the discipline he practices is in the mind.

Vitality and brawn are wonderful, and require work, of course. But let's not confuse that with strength —that power only comes from the clarity of your purpose, from knowing your own heart and mind and listening to that above all else.

I swim to keep my weak muscles working, and because I love water. There is no way in hell you can make me walk for my figure, or to lift stupid things, or stop eating what I enjoy. I am in this world to live my life, not yours. I do not do numbers. The fact that any digits on any scale are nowhere on my mind's radar is liberating. I heal what I feel. I certainly will not waste time and effort to follow some magazine's gratuitously decided look, or a pharma company's new 'healthy' number. It takes a lot of patience (and strength! :D) to be nice in company when people use numbers as their state of being and their goals. It has never made sense to me.

That arbitrarily changing bar for colour, weight, size or blood pressure should not define how you feel or how you live. Of course, monitor your markings, take the medication. But learn to accept yourself, listen to what makes you happy. The malicious instructions the world is screaming will continue. New fads will always arise. New treatments will be developed for newly 'discovered' diseases and deficiencies. "Make your face fairer to be happy, chisel that nose to find true love, be a size x to get real friends, get a new phone for great photos to have real fun" — these are the ridiculous subliminal messages that are made to target the weak and mask real problems.

You need real strength to close that noise out and do what really needs to be done. Listen to yourself by quieting the outside. Be strong, for yourself, and for the world around you.

Do what you love

I quite hate George Bernard Shaw. For one reason only: I read a quote of his once – If you do not write for publication, there is little point in writing at all.

It had stuck with me, and deleteriously so. I would think of the results of my effort every time I wrote, and give up midway. Who will read this? Who will ever publish this? And even the Bhagwad Gita's exhortation to 'do my duty and not bother about the rewards' would not help.

So I wrote for my columns in Deccan Chronicle; I wrote for a fairy tale collection for a vanity publisher; I wrote for contests in which I knew I would be read, if not win. I wrote for a small children's magazine whose editor thought I was the second coming of Enid Blyton. I wrote and edited for a corporate entity's social arm.

But I kept a novel hidden on simmer, a memoir on 'someday', and so many stories on the back burner. Why write if no one wants it? And now it seems those ideas all lie burnt in my soul somewhere.

And so, my dear (single-digit) readers, I now plan to write everything I want to. For you. And for me, of course. Because I love to think in writing. Because I can figure out my thoughts as I write. Because I don't need to talk when I write. Because I have loved writing since I could read. I don't care if it is the most uninspiring mush that I am putting in words, or if it turns out to be a story or a thought that has been told earlier and better. There is amazing talent out there – published and hidden. It is a privilege to read their works, and I cannot pretend to be anywhere in their orbit. This is me just doing what I love: playing wordsmith, stringing sentences together in a language I have been more comfortable with than my own. Getting published, or even being read, is not the goal. There is no goal. 

It is in writing I find joy, and so I will write. Because we must do what we love. Not what needs to be done. Not what the ones we love need done. Not what is the right or safe thing to do. Just what WE love – however pointless, reckless, time-wasting or uncharacteristic it may seem. Whether it is diving into a book or the sea, whether is creating a beautiful table, or something to put on a table, whether it is sleeping or day dreaming – make sure you do what you love doing. It is one sure way to love yourself.

Life throws a lot of garbage our way – toxic people, horrible leaders, germs and pollution, loss and pain of all magnitudes. But if we hold on to that little spark within that keeps us wanting to breathe, we might just remain sane. Maybe even happy!

Among all the blessings of people we love and the things we cherish, we must recognise that one thing that adds the spark to our eyes and the lift in our steps. It is what we turn to, knowingly or unknowingly, to calm our minds, to ground our thoughts, to  heal our hurts. It is eventually the only medicine we need.

Happy New Year

As the year draws to an end, we tend to look back to see what has been experienced. Some look to map their progress, some at their profit statements, some at milestones, and accomplishments. Some, even on what they have left behind. But what is important is how we have, as individuals, grown. That is the only meaningful mark of passing time. Have you learned something about yourself, improved something, discarded something to be a better you? If you survived difficulties with grace, lent a helping hand when your own feet were unsteady, ignored calls to angry 'us-vs-them' reactions, smiled at someone who hurt you — then, you can mark a successful year. This is the very basic level of you having moved ahead in life. There are greater steps, and fabulous triumphs, but this is the least you should have done. Have you cared — and worked — genuinely, for your peace and that of others? The new sun will rise 'bringing in the new year' (my favorite Tennyson line), but there is nothing new in the burdens we carry on. Sorrow, grief, loss, trauma, illness continue. The scars on your heart and soul are still there. If there has been healing at all, it will need work to continue. But there are also the blessings you carry on to the next year — things that blessedly have not changed, or those that have been added. Love, a safe home, friends, and hope. And that is a lot to be grateful for. I may not have done much to mark the year 2025, but it is with a firmer conviction to be better, and with immense gratitude, that I welcome 2026.

Hurtful arrogance?

As we navigate the mess of living, there is so much we do and say that is unintentional, or, at the very least, unplanned or thoughtless.

Most people do not go about hurting other people as part of their style of being. I say 'most' because I know of a few, both dead and alive, who made it their business to give me pain. I have tried, and probably failed, at not hurting back. Generally, though, we do a disservice to others without meaning to. A thoughtless comment at the wrong time, a joke that seems funny to the deliverer alone, a derisive laugh at something important to another: the pangs of pain and anger we feel at the receiving end is usually just a reaction determined by our perspectives. The deliverer of the hurt may have never intended to hurt! Being circumspect in how you say things is a very overlooked virtue.

Everyone has a favourite virtue of their own, and everybody has a vice they want to steer clear of, always. For me, my most feared vice has been arrogance.

And, of course, you get what you fear.

A recent incident made me think about pride and vanity. How would you define pride? Good pride elevates thinking, increases tolerance, brings contentment and gratitude. You can be proud of your country's policies, your child's talents, a dear friend's beautiful home. You can also be proud of a project you completed well. You can even be proud of your emotional control; or of not having control. All that positivity adds value to your life.

But once the concentration shifts to you and your accomplishments, that pride becomes vain arrogance. Arrogance is hurtful — both to your soul and to others. Arrogance is not always grand. It could show as buying a house or a car that reflects not what you need, but what you want others to think of you. It can also be as simple as getting annoyed with people who do not host as you do, it can be just looking down at someone who does not believe what you believe. And from that arrogance comes self-righteous anger; and it is that anger that causes hurt. It is so wrong, and so insidious, that others can see it before you catch yourself. Arrogance chips away at your own happiness. Even if it is justifiable to you, any situation that does not fit your preset notions becomes untenable. You tend to take offence where none is meant, you try to find meaning when none is provided. And then you say or do things that are right only in your eyes. What invariably happens is hurt. To yourself or to others.

So we all need to take a step back and breathe. Especially if we accost something unbearably rude. It may feel like an insult, but is probably not meant to be. Not everyone can understand me, let alone be like me. Now, I don't know if what I just said is arrogance or pride. :D

Each in its place

I love wild life, as many of us do. I love wildflowers and weeds. I love the ferns that grow on palms without a care. I love the moss that coaxes life out of rocks, and all that grows between our stone pavers.

But just as the moss between pavers needs to cleared out, wild creatures need to stay out of my house.

I don’t bother the lizards out in the garden, even though they make me unable to walk on the grass once I spot them. I expect the same courtesy from them to stay off my habitation!

Yes, last night, yet another lizard was watching TV with us. It was small enough for us not to have a stroke and ask our kind neighbours to help out. But I did kill it. With enough Raid to kill us too if we had stayed in the same room.

The gorgeous cardinals wake me up every morning. It is the highlight of my morning. At least one of the family says 'Hi' to me, and flies away as soon as I see it from my window (No, they are not afraid of us. The cardinal family has sat by on the hibiscus while we swim close by). Eddie (a grey stork-like bird) walks on the fence and seems to greet us when we walk out; the Sandhill cranes (named by Rasha: Albert, Alberta, and their Albertinis) have been visiting us since the first day we were here. One had scared me into the house because he kept coming closer trying to share my tea!

I love seeing the shy alligators in our lake, identifiable by their singular grunts and swim paths. Ally (our ‘wild pet') has been ‘talking’ to Rasha since he was a baby, and has saved us from a bobcat once. True story.

We have seen coyotes, a baby bobcat, a raccoon, and armadillos sauntering around in our backyard. It is quite lovely – as long as they are OUTSIDE.

A snake in the outdoor kitchen, and under our TV cabinet, lizards … too many times to count – not acceptable. The same cute armadillo in my living room?? I would be in terrified panic.

Rasha had created a story when she was toddler (she sometimes responded with a story of her own when I told her one). Something about the sun and clouds and how they each had their place and that is why we should not use flash cameras on animas in zoos. Yes, truth from the mouth of babes. That story has stayed withe me (Side note: we never used cameras at the zoo again).

So as I sit here, feeling genuinely, deeply, unequivocally grateful for the sun on the sparkling lake, do I also feel a pang of guilt for the murdered lizard?

No. I have the right to stand my ground in my home. No lizards allowed.

Please click on the link to read more.

Just Be Nice

Someone once said I was nice, and I got a pleasant shock. Yes, I try, but trying is not the same as being genuinely nice. Everyone tries to do right and be correct, but I know a few wonderful friends who are spontaneously, unapologetically, uncompromisingly, and unconsciously nice. Coming over to allay a neighbour's illogical fears, texting a check-in after a weird post, a heartwarming spontaneous exclamation — we all can recognise an authentic nice soul.

 I wonder how you would define a nice person.

Niceness is a requirement for civilisation to progress. Not money, not technology, not vision. Just a few good, caring hearts in the right place. We see a microcosm of a great society where I live. Having nice people around just makes everything feel like home. It's as simple as having them in your life, and physically close by. We do not need constant texting or sharing of memes. You know they are there. That is what the strength of a tribe was, and it still is. 

I know there are some really mean, artificial people. I would not give them any space in my life or mind, but, obviously, they seem nice enough for their families and their friends. Almost everyone is nice to people they care about. Going above and beyond is normal to show affection to those we love. And it is easy to be considerate to those we like. But is it niceness if your best version is specific to certain people only?

I think you can be an evolved (nice) human only if you can extend courtesy and generosity to people beyond your circle. Donating to a charity not of your choice because they need funds, attending an occasion celebrating something you don't approve of, stretching the budget to accommodate another's needs: this is quiet work that builds the bedrock of a thriving individual, and, by extension, a thriving society. If those tribes of earlier times had extended their supportive niceness to other tribes, there would be no wars.

The other aspect of niceness is action. Just thinking about how things can be corrected is not being nice.  Niceness requires the ability and strength to go out of your comfort zone to do something. There are times I feel like running out into the street and screaming against an injustice (sometimes as simple as after watching a movie like The Pursuit of Happiness), but I don't do that. I can't imagine myself screaming, for one. ;)

To actually stand up, loudly, for what you feel, to give voice to the unheard, to support those broken down, to be there for someone who has no one: that is quintessential niceness. Just shedding a few tears, even if  your heart is really breaking, does not make you nice.

On a bigger scale, I think being nice becomes subjective and very, very important. Imagine if our billionaires were really nice. Not by measure of the maybe 0.01 percent charitable donations they make, but actually effectively nice. Maybe they could heal Sudan or clean our oceans instead of sending cars into space and taking rides to the moon. 

The simplest definition of nice is doing something helpful for someone you do not necessarily like. Giving a ride to an acquaintance in need, tolerating company you don't really want. That is why I believe niceness also comes from a place of power. It is not being nice if you have to interact with certain people because of societal pressures. It is not niceness if you get your boss the coffee because it is expected. It is not being nice when you pay your taxes — that is following the law.  These acts are all proper and correct, but it is not being nice. These deeds are important for social fabric, and maybe even kind. But it is not organic, it is not because of the altruism of your soul. 

Even if you can't say you are a nice person because you only do nice things occasionally and intentionally, the acts in themselves matter. Whether it is from a place of genuine instinctive concern or from superficial external pressure, whether it is an unbidden act of graciousness or something designed, the resultant butterfly effect is undeniable.

So, are you a nice person? Or are you just consciously 'nice'? Either way, it is really nice what you do :D. Seriously.