Hey, parent! Leave that kid alone!

I was at the pediatrician's office the other day. And while I was waiting in the reception area I was treated to a new drama of new-age parenting. It was all I could do not to cry, gag and laugh at the same time.

A cute little kid came in with the mother and grandmother. And then started a continual, continuous, stream of chatter AT the child. I always thought that whatever a child's age, you had to talk to him, not at him. Well this was the most at, and down, -talking I have ever heard. "Jack, look at the umbrella", and before poor Jack could look, let alone process that there was an umbrella in the middle of the room, the next piece information was thrown at him. "It is green". And before little Jack's retina probably even recognised a possible new shade of green instruction number....I don't know.... maybe, 896th for the day... "Jack will put his hat on the frog". Poor kid was still trying to actually look at the umbrella, so obviously he took a little time. And then the grandmother put the hat on the umbrella for him. (I was feeling rushed just listening to them. It must have been downright discombobulating for the kid!) Then there was "Where is Jack's hat?" And I am not sure Jack even knew his grandmother had placed his hat on the umbrella. By this time I was very sorry for Jack. He clearly seemed a little more interested in the bright patterned carpet but, no, the mother and grandmother would have none of it. Clearly the green umbrella had more educational value than what Jack wanted to explore. When they had deconstructed the umbrella to the death, the tracks changed. "Jack look at the truck outside. Mommy will open the blind for you" (yes, third person speech. Talk of confused grammar!). "Did you see that?" grandmother chipped in. "Mother opened the blinds so Jack can see the truck. Isn't that a big truck?" From what I could guess of the future, the best case scenario - cute little Jack will have ADD, at worst - he will hate women for the rest of his life! It was quite harrowing really. The poor kid will never have time to make a decision, or pick his own choices - or be left alone to think on his own. The child will await directions all his life, and the mother will be a basket case herself soon. No wonder women need a 'break' from their children. If they make it such pointless drudgery, motherhood would be a strain for a day.

Please understand that in no way am I being contemptuous of the genuineness of the affection and the care that the kids were receiving. I am sorry it sounds that way, and that is because it was so very strange to me. The mother was really trying to do whatever she had been told was the right thing to do. It was a lot of work, required total commitment to the kids and unflagging attention their surroundings. It was a great effort - but it was wrong! Telling a child constantly what to look at, and worse, why he should, is not right. Period.

But today's parents do not want children; they want trophies. And if God has blessed them with a normal child they will teach it, bend it, break it, to rebuild a child that would fit some preconceived, warped ideal they have. And so it goes on, in varying degrees, through life. Summer holidays are busier for kids today than school terms. If they are not learning 10 new things for their 'overall development' they are taking extra classes to get a head start on math for next year. What happened to enjoying your summer holidays? Getting up late, walking down for ice cream, biking in the park, making new friends? Sadly, parents have begun to think that 'ballet class', and 'Accelerated Math' sound better in adult conversation! They also believe that teaching little Jane and Joe the many kinds of music or art or martial arts will help them find something they like. Unfortunately the only thing the kids are learning in this harried process is that nothing is important because everything can be done in small measure - over a few years or even a few weeks. They are only learning what I would call non-commitment. How many girls are really talented, or even really interested, in ballet? And I guess we all know that many parents are! And how many who learn ballet can possibly also like tennis and karate and piano. All at the same time in life? Is it possible to like so many things equally? This is where parents need to back off. Kids today are required to do everything, supposedly to 'find' their right fit. But it is only parents trying to make up missed time. I realised somewhere in my 30s that I really wanted to learn to tap-dance,and I almost made my daughter learn it. Fortunately, she always has had a mind of her own and told me to go enjoy it myself. She would rather sing - and she did. She still does, and beautifully well. But I could see how easy it is for a parent to foist their wishes on the child.

We have to understand that a child is a little human being. He or she comes with a genetic makeup, and with an inborn intelligence to learn, watch, and develop. What a child needs is nurturing, not directing. Because telling a child what to do is not going to increase his mental acuity, it will stunt it permanently. I teach first grade, and the kids who are the fastest to learn are the ones who, to the best of my knowledge, have been doing things at their own pace.

Solitude is essential for the mind. Not loneliness of course, but some amount of time to ourselves. We need it as adults, and even more so as children. To read, or watch the snow, or play with the rays of sunshine filtering through the curtains. It is an inalienable part of childhood. That time to take in the world in our own individual way is imperative for normal growth.

A few days ago, one of my first-graders broke down during snack-time. She said she is too tired because she has after-school activities everyday. That day, Wednesday was the only day she went home from school, and for that one week, that one Wednesday, her mom had decided to leave her in after-care painting. How could it be possible that the girl was 'enjoying' the extracurricular classes, if one extra day broke her? Even if the child loves art, it cannot be more important than sufficient time at home with family. If you really want to make sacrifices for the betterment of your children, take time out to snuggle with them. Your child, my dear parents, is NOT an extension of yourself. Your child is not a receptacle of your failed dreams. Your child is not your answer to the injustices of the world. He is his own person - and wonderful and complete in his own way. Cherish that - and be thankful. Enjoy your child's childhood - and let the child enjoy it too!

Heroes

Who is a hero for me? I admire a lot of people. I admire the stay-at-home mom giving her time to raise well-mannered, well-adjusted children. I admire the doctors struggling with dismal facilities and rampant diseases in areas the world prefers to ignore. I admire the fruitseller in India who pushes his cart in the hot sun all day so that his children will not have to. I admire the little boy who runs up to return to coin purse you dropped, even though he desperately needed the little money in it himself. But I cannot and will not understand why on earth we go so wild about the physical prowess of sports stars.
I am going out on a limb here. I know this will attract the wrath of those millions of fans of sports around the world. I cannot fathom how basketball players become 'heroes' just because they play a game well. A few days ago a sportsperson got a 3-year 54 million dollar contract. Apparently, his talent lies in hitting a ball very well with a wooden bat. Damned lucky is all I have to say. And let’s hope that strength in those arms is not artificially induced. So let's be a little careful on who we call a 'hero'.Then there is the person who automatically recieves a step-up in public esteem because of something that happens to them. Please tell me -what is special about someone battling a disease? Its sad, tough, and all my prayers and very best wishes to them, but it does not make them a hero. And there lies my probelm with the fans of Lance Armstrong. Lance Armstrong cycles exceedingly well. He is also fighting a deadly disease - and winning. Hats off to him. Good job -and yes, it is inspiring too. But that does not make him a hero. He is doing things for himself. His is a wonderful, heartening fight for survival - like hundreds of others everyday all over the world; and so many others not as hopeful. If survival is the criterion then we have millions of heroes, and those are of a stature much superior than Armstrong - like the the little boy in Africa carrying his sister on his back, trying to find a place where he can get food and water for them both.
So some big stars give millions to their charitable trusts and their favorite aid agencies. I do not mean to belittle their kindness at all, but frankly, if you had that much money would you not give some of it away too? It must be a relief to get rid of a little bit actually. So do not annoy me by going ga-ga over how charitable Angelina Jolie is. I do realize that having millions to spare does not necessitate a large heart - and not every rich person wants to contribute to society. If giving is the criterion then again we have thousands of unsung heroes. And its not Oprah Winfrey, it is someone like the old lady taking the time to walk to the church where she volunteers to serve food to the poor.Real charity is when you have to budget for sending that planned cheque to the soup kitchen. And real heroism is sending that cheque out by cutting corners elsewhere.
Each one of us has a story of struggle. And the fact that we are still around, and with relatively normal faculties, means we have won in some measure at least. Yes, we have a hero in each of us. Each of us has done our bit to help, to improve things around us, maybe even reach a bit beyond ourselves. And we did not expect any payback. So forgive me if it annoys me when people go wide-eyed delirious everytime Bill Gates does a major philanthropic gesture. And forgive me again when I get frustrated when a hockey player gets a ridiculously high salary for his ability to move on ice (and this comes from a Devils fan!). Or rather, don't even bother - because I am not sorry for my annoyance. Its is justified- 54 million times over!

A man's mind can be filled with anything if his stomach is empty.

Hunger is a very destructive weapon.

Rusi Karanjia (the late editor of a popular Indian magazine) once stated, 'Hunger is a very corrosive acid'. He wrote of it melting a man's brain and eating his flesh. But hunger is much more potent, and more insidious. It involves more than just the person who suffers from it. Hunger is a sore on the society that breeds it. Deprivation of victuals has a terribly debilitating effect on a man's soul and mind . It leaves him vulnerable to anything that will alleviate the agony of starvation. He will be a slave to anyone who makes him feel less alone, less harrowed. Hunger kills the soul before it kills the body.

That is why terrorism breeds in countries where people have less to look forward to in their lives. When one does not know if there will be a meal the next day, and no one to turn to -anything that guarantees an umbrella of security and belonging becomes irresistible. Trading their souls to the devil must not seem like a loss if the soul feels pretty much dead already.For the children in Congo, to fall in line and obey orders to kill was, possibly, not a difficult choice when the orders came from the men who were feeding and clothing them (Needless to say, the psychological damage those children suffered in the process may be irreversible - but that is another tragic story altogether).

I find it very difficult to see nobility in setting up schools where children are given slates and pencils when their stomachs are rumbling and their feet are bare on icy ground. To read is certainly important, but to eat is far more so. The mind's needs cannot be supported without first satisfying the ache in the stomach. Thats a scientific, biological fact. So the delight a hungry girl feels because of a new pencil is probably only a reflection of the gratification the giver feels doing the misguided right thing.

It is certainly more pressing to respond to the needs of the body first, the fierce need for survival. The mind cannot think for itself if the rest of the system is in starvation mode. If living is priority number one for the biological system, all high-minded pursuits are put on hold. Yes, the wonders of opening a mind to learning and thinking cannot be exaggerated, but let us take things in order. Get the mind and body in good physical condition before we start on the 'spread knowledge' spiel.

The thoughts you put in the consciousness of a child with a famished belly may not be his own at all.