Hey, parent! Leave that kid alone!

I was at the pediatrician's office the other day. And while I was waiting in the reception area I was treated to a new drama of new-age parenting. It was all I could do not to cry, gag and laugh at the same time.

A cute little kid came in with the mother and grandmother. And then started a continual, continuous, stream of chatter AT the child. I always thought that whatever a child's age, you had to talk to him, not at him. Well this was the most at, and down, -talking I have ever heard. "Jack, look at the umbrella", and before poor Jack could look, let alone process that there was an umbrella in the middle of the room, the next piece information was thrown at him. "It is green". And before little Jack's retina probably even recognised a possible new shade of green instruction number....I don't know.... maybe, 896th for the day... "Jack will put his hat on the frog". Poor kid was still trying to actually look at the umbrella, so obviously he took a little time. And then the grandmother put the hat on the umbrella for him. (I was feeling rushed just listening to them. It must have been downright discombobulating for the kid!) Then there was "Where is Jack's hat?" And I am not sure Jack even knew his grandmother had placed his hat on the umbrella. By this time I was very sorry for Jack. He clearly seemed a little more interested in the bright patterned carpet but, no, the mother and grandmother would have none of it. Clearly the green umbrella had more educational value than what Jack wanted to explore. When they had deconstructed the umbrella to the death, the tracks changed. "Jack look at the truck outside. Mommy will open the blind for you" (yes, third person speech. Talk of confused grammar!). "Did you see that?" grandmother chipped in. "Mother opened the blinds so Jack can see the truck. Isn't that a big truck?" From what I could guess of the future, the best case scenario - cute little Jack will have ADD, at worst - he will hate women for the rest of his life! It was quite harrowing really. The poor kid will never have time to make a decision, or pick his own choices - or be left alone to think on his own. The child will await directions all his life, and the mother will be a basket case herself soon. No wonder women need a 'break' from their children. If they make it such pointless drudgery, motherhood would be a strain for a day.

Please understand that in no way am I being contemptuous of the genuineness of the affection and the care that the kids were receiving. I am sorry it sounds that way, and that is because it was so very strange to me. The mother was really trying to do whatever she had been told was the right thing to do. It was a lot of work, required total commitment to the kids and unflagging attention their surroundings. It was a great effort - but it was wrong! Telling a child constantly what to look at, and worse, why he should, is not right. Period.

But today's parents do not want children; they want trophies. And if God has blessed them with a normal child they will teach it, bend it, break it, to rebuild a child that would fit some preconceived, warped ideal they have. And so it goes on, in varying degrees, through life. Summer holidays are busier for kids today than school terms. If they are not learning 10 new things for their 'overall development' they are taking extra classes to get a head start on math for next year. What happened to enjoying your summer holidays? Getting up late, walking down for ice cream, biking in the park, making new friends? Sadly, parents have begun to think that 'ballet class', and 'Accelerated Math' sound better in adult conversation! They also believe that teaching little Jane and Joe the many kinds of music or art or martial arts will help them find something they like. Unfortunately the only thing the kids are learning in this harried process is that nothing is important because everything can be done in small measure - over a few years or even a few weeks. They are only learning what I would call non-commitment. How many girls are really talented, or even really interested, in ballet? And I guess we all know that many parents are! And how many who learn ballet can possibly also like tennis and karate and piano. All at the same time in life? Is it possible to like so many things equally? This is where parents need to back off. Kids today are required to do everything, supposedly to 'find' their right fit. But it is only parents trying to make up missed time. I realised somewhere in my 30s that I really wanted to learn to tap-dance,and I almost made my daughter learn it. Fortunately, she always has had a mind of her own and told me to go enjoy it myself. She would rather sing - and she did. She still does, and beautifully well. But I could see how easy it is for a parent to foist their wishes on the child.

We have to understand that a child is a little human being. He or she comes with a genetic makeup, and with an inborn intelligence to learn, watch, and develop. What a child needs is nurturing, not directing. Because telling a child what to do is not going to increase his mental acuity, it will stunt it permanently. I teach first grade, and the kids who are the fastest to learn are the ones who, to the best of my knowledge, have been doing things at their own pace.

Solitude is essential for the mind. Not loneliness of course, but some amount of time to ourselves. We need it as adults, and even more so as children. To read, or watch the snow, or play with the rays of sunshine filtering through the curtains. It is an inalienable part of childhood. That time to take in the world in our own individual way is imperative for normal growth.

A few days ago, one of my first-graders broke down during snack-time. She said she is too tired because she has after-school activities everyday. That day, Wednesday was the only day she went home from school, and for that one week, that one Wednesday, her mom had decided to leave her in after-care painting. How could it be possible that the girl was 'enjoying' the extracurricular classes, if one extra day broke her? Even if the child loves art, it cannot be more important than sufficient time at home with family. If you really want to make sacrifices for the betterment of your children, take time out to snuggle with them. Your child, my dear parents, is NOT an extension of yourself. Your child is not a receptacle of your failed dreams. Your child is not your answer to the injustices of the world. He is his own person - and wonderful and complete in his own way. Cherish that - and be thankful. Enjoy your child's childhood - and let the child enjoy it too!