To be or not to be?

People tell me that naturalization is a change of passport. Period. That citizenship is a piece of paper that outlines your privileges. That it is a glorified travel document. And that having one of the United States of America is a wonderful, prestigious asset. They say a passport and a piece of paper does not make you someone else.

So now I can apply for US citizenship. I can now get the sought-after citizenship. But I cannot comprehend the ease with which people switch their countries. For if that is all it is for someone - then maybe they should not have that paper at all. If being a part of bigger entity or having a specific identity holds no emotional meaning - maybe one should not have any. From anywhere. For me it is not as simple as changing the colour of your passport. For me it is a changing of who I am because it changes where my primary responsibilities and allegiance lie. It changes the 'they' and 'us ' for me. It is not a decision I can make facilely.

My nephew was born in the US and it is easy for him. When he says 'I wonder who we will elect?' I think he is talking of the Indian elections, till he clarifies that he is talking of the US ones. I say "Why don't they get it that George Bush is an idiot?", ( I am talking about Americans) and he replies, "I am sure we understand that now"(he is talking about Americans too!) Yes, its not an easy conversation for an onlooker!

Yes, we donated and campaigned for Obama. I am a die-hard Democrat. But that is because it is my country while I live in it - and I owe it my loyalty, along with the taxes. But if I promote myself from the Green card status to US citizen - I am making a major commitment. Am I ready?

In my class, the 6 and 7-year olds are mostly from immigrant families. When they say "I am Pakistani/Egyptian/Bosnian", I always and firmly correct them - "No, you are American" (they were all born here). My American colleagues find it funny that I am so particular about it. But it means something; something important - and the kids should understand it. EVERYONE should. I am glad my nephew has got it straight.

But it is not so straightforward for me. Where do I belong? I think American, I know that. Freedom - of beliefs, thoughts and words, pursuit of happiness, equality of men - these are an inalienable part of my moral compass. However, my psyche is Indian. I smile at strangers, I offer 'chai and biscuits' to everyone who comes to my house, including the plumber (granted that sometimes its soda and cookies instead). I am offended when people talk to me through doorways without inviting me in. I do not consider it a party unless everyone is dressed to the teeth. I call elders Uncle and Aunty and expect the same title from my friends' children.

This is the country that gave George Bush two terms because as long as someone else was getting bombed it seemed ok to them - until it backfired. But it is also the country that elected Barack Obama. This is the country where for most people, the world begins and ends at the two US coasts, but which ranks highest in charitable giving by individuals.

And now its time to make a decision. I love this country enough to have called it my own - but do I love it enough to repudiate my ownership of the country I was born in? Is that even possible? There is an saying in Indian that we are made of the mud of the country we are born in. Well, there is no changing the fact that I am, and will be always Indian. I cannot, will not, and do not want to change that. So will I be disloyal to India if I become a citizen of the United States of America? Worse - will I be disloyal to both countries by changing my citizenship? Yes, it probably makes life easier. But what exactly defines ease? Can I do without the luxuries and undeniable comforts of a wonderful developed nation? But then can I do without the warmth of my own people, the dust and smells I was born into?

Here in the US, you have clean, fancy doctor's offices where appointments are easy to make - but then the doctors are not a part of your family like in India - and personally, I would say, not as competent. The ubiquitous and essential credit cards make everything affordable - but then insurance for everything is like an eternal noose around your neck.

I have loved living in the country where circadian things like paying bills and addressing regular issues like insurance or registration renewals can be done without hassles. It has been wonderful to be able to get things done without bribery or rudeness. Its nice to be certain that there will be running water at home and someone at the end of the line if you call 911.

But you cannot walk into a friend's house for an informal chat. If you fall sick no neighbour is going to drop by with a cooked meal. Everyone is civil but not friendly. People smile and say hello, but if you ask one extra question they label you 'weird' and back away. In India, you can make everlasting friendships with total strangers during a short train trip.

Changing my citizenship tells everyone - and me - that I have accepted that one style of life is better than the other. And I do not know If I ready for that. Am I ready to live the rest of my life here? How can I relinquish the fealties I was brought up with? How can you forsake the culture that taught you to be who you are? Is it really so easy to tergiversate - even with such an important part of who you are? So is it really fair to yourself to get a stamp of something other than that which defines you?

I cannot deny all that I am - I am proud of being Hindustani. I would not change it for the world. I cannot change it even if I wanted to. My thoughts, ideas, attitudes, traditions are too ingrained - and I have no plans of scouring them out. So is it disloyal to change my passport?