Cut-throat Parents

Back to my favorite topic - kids and parents.

I guess there are as many aspects to this discussion as there are parents!

So, now the children are growing up. Time for them to think about what they are going to do with their lives. Going to college is on the cards. That is an accomplishment for both parents and children. In such a promiscuous, demanding society riddled with confused notions of all cultures, if our kids come out of high school sane , and with the ability to apply for further studies, and an interest in their own futures, the battle is won. Sometimes the battle scars of school pressures are deep, yet some of us who are lucky barely have a scratch. Being of the latter, I may not be the one to discourse on how to handle situations, but here I go again!

My pet peeve - parents of other children! Seriously, why do parents deem it their right to ask vacuous, annoying questions just because their children are pressured or insecure. Like - what is your daughter planning to become? My usual answer is, "I hope it is whatever she wants to be". When the questions are too pointed and probing, I say, "A happy, caring individual". But no one seems to get it. When I told my aunt in India that my daughter is pursuing a degree in Cell Biology and Neuroscience (as of now), and she is not planning to go to medical school (as of now), she asked me what her Ph.D thesis would likely be! I am not certain she has decided on her Master's yet!!

I have written earlier blogs about it, and I shall recapitulate the same thoughts. Just because the whole world is learning ballet it is not necessary for your child to learn ballet too, and certainly not that additional something else, 'to stand out of the competition'. Our children stand out as the individuals they are. What we need to help them with is understanding themselves and making them successful at being the best they are, and being at peace with who they are.

A friend of my husband has a son ready to go on to college next year. For the past 2 years she has been asking me everything about my daughter's schedule that she could ask without being considered a stalker. Which classes she took and why? Why she was happy with taking the SAT test only once? Her son is nothing like my daughter. Why does she assume that their likes, or goals would be similar?

I am swinging between disdain and risibility with such folks. It must be so stressful trying to keep up with every child within their child's age range. They keep track of what, where, and why they do whatever it is they do. It must be ridiculously funny if all they do is just try to catch up with each other, and terribly sad if all they achieve is that they confuse their kids in the process. That son of the friend? He is compelled to be so good at everything that he does not even know what he actually likes!! I find it heartbreaking that a child can be of 18 years and not be cognizant of what he likes, or dislikes!! So his choice of career is going to be based on which field will be the highest-paying by the time he graduates college. It is an entirely new field of research for the parents now! In all fairness, they probably think I am a delinquent, irresponsible parent if I measure as success the times my daughter throws her head back and laughs with us. (Yes, with not at!!)

And, of course there are the Ivy leagues. That is also a question I have to fend all the time. "Why did you not apply to colleges with big names, miles away, where she could have easily got in?" Biting back the apt and obvious reciprocal of "How does it matter to you?", I have to explain that the operative words are - miles away. My daughter enjoys the comforts of home while she pursues her education, and we obviously love having her around too. I am sure the Big Names have something to warrant the exorbitant fees they charge to admit starry-eyed, bright youngsters. But I think learning is not dependent on where you go, it is subject to how you apply yourself. Clinton was an Ivy leaguer, but then so was Bush! Its the same range of intelligence as any other school in the world!

As I said in the beginning, I have had it easy. I have been blessed in not having had to get into power-struggles or cultural tugs-of-war with my offspring. I have not had to demand, direct, or force. She has worked her work through her school years gloriously, and has grown to be a young woman with a level head and generous heart. I am thrilled to bits! But that may not be what you would like to see in your child. Maybe you really want that full scholarship to Harvard, and you want to leave nothing to chance. Well, my very best wishes. But do stop asking me why I do not think like you. Stop asking how and why, or why not! It really does not matter. Your child is not like mine. More pertinently, your child may not even want to be like her!

The questions these cut-throat parents ask of other children - what they like, what they are working towards- are things they need to know of their own children. I would say to them, stop asking other kids and listen to your own. Take it from me, you will not need to look into other children's lives. Your own offspring are much more interesting and rewarding.