Marriage: A Work in Progress

One of the bedrock institutions of society is marriage. It lays a foundation for that essential unit of society - family. Families grow, not only by procreation, but also by bonds between two groups of people that come together because of the union.

Marriage, however, is not an end in itself. Most young people believe the work is done once the knot is tied and the wedding guests have departed. The work, as most married couple know - begins after the ceremony - and continues all through life! A beautiful wedding is wonderful, but it pales in comparison to the wondrous beauty of a dynamic, strong marriage where people grow together as individuals, as a couple, and as a family. By its very nature marriage is labile. People change as they grow older physically, emotionally, and spiritually. What are the chances of you still loving or even tolerating each other as you grow and change? Every experience, and every person one meets, leaves an impression that becomes a part of one's personality. The very same experiences a couple goes through may have entirely different effect on each of them. The test of the marriage lies in adjusting with your partner 's changing attitudes and habits. Lets face it- love has nothing to do with it. It is a matter of maturity and commitment. It is also matter of how much respect is there in the marriage - respect for the partner, for self , and for the personal space each individual needs.

Sometimes, especially in eastern cultures, a marriage is maintained just because it has to be. The word in hindi for the relationship is 'bandhan', loosely meaning 'bondage' or a 'tie that binds'. And anything that binds, hurts. And a relationship, any relationship, that fosters pain does not last. But the bonds that a marriage cultivates usually grow softer, yet stronger with the years, evolving with the growing maturity of those involved. A successful couple weathers upheavals of life maybe not by surmounting them, but by simply surviving them.

So what should one look for in a life partner? Looks change immeasurably - for better or worse, likes and dislikes are modified by experiences. Wealth can be ephemeral and maybe the shallowest of the criteria. We see people with entirely different religions leading a happy life together. And we have seen so many good-looking people married very happily to their complete opposite in the looks department. On the other hand, there are instances of stable and well-adjusted couples falling apart after years of staying faithfully together.

It is widely accepted that the surest bet to predict a harmonious marriage is to look for its core values. And that is why people tend to marry within the same cultural setup. Its much easier to find a match for your core values within similar societal settings. But that is not always the case, and core values also tend evolve as life progresses.

I believe each successful marriage develops a core value of its own. A core value is something more than just a shared vision, or a joint objective for the future. It is greater than the sum total of their individualities. And the stronger this core value is, the steadier the marriage. It is something you can identify the couple with, together or individually. A core value is not necessarily a moral code, though it could well be. It could also be politics, it could be religion, it could be a predilection to social work or to partying, it even be a common ambition. It is never a conscious effort; it is something that develops along with the couple as they adjust and accept each other as individuals. A core value sets the tone not only for the couple as they face life, it sets the tone of the family they establish. And the cumulative core values of the many families in the community are what build the values of the society they constitute.

As long as there is this core value or a set of values that the couple adhere to, and see each other adhering to, the partnership works. Everything else they face is secondary to their functional unit, be it joys, sorrows, ups or downs. As long as the core value of the marriage is intact, there is trust, respect and companionship. And that is what marriage is all about. Love is just the icing on the cake!