Love thyself?

Another wondrous epiphany today - as usual - in the daily humdrum of life. Today a friend of mine did something that is very characteristic of her. My reaction to her act taught me a new thing about people. We can really like someone, and still hold very little regard for their intellect.

My friend 'rescued' 4 little rabbits from their nest. They died within 24 hours of the rescue. I asked if they seemed distressed or in danger. No. I asked if they seemed starved or dehydrated. No. She just found the nest; and in it found cute, furry, active kits and took them. I am certain it had very little to do with compassion, and more to do with possessing something cute and wild. She calls herself an 'animal lover'.

And I sat there thinking as she struggled to play mother to the last dying kit in her palm, (which was fine until a few hours before). I could see the discomfort of the little bunny being fed some weird chemical concoction in some fancy tiny bottle, sadly dying in surroundings it could never comprehend. And I cannot even imagine the agony of the mother when she returns to her empty nest.

It really bothered me that she was concerned on how distraught her daughter was that the bunnies were dying, and she never gave a thought on how the bunnies themselves were feeling. Everyone who came by claimed to love animals (with that special kind of condescension that creeps into most voices making such statements), yet no one asked if she waited to see if the mother would come back. No one asked if the bunnies would be more comfortable dying in their own nest instead of a shoebox. How can we claim to love, when we do not even try to understand?

I realise that most of us do not even know our own intentions. That is why just being nice is simply not enough. Man has been blessed with a brain for a reason. Our actions have effects, and those effects decide if we have done any good. A good intention alone is not rectitude - it must be followed up by thought-out and voluntary action. A soft heart is of no use if it comes in combination with a soft head. One has to think, and know, and reflect, before acting. We cannot just act on the spur of the moment, even if we think we are being altruistic and kind. Our impulses, unfortunately, are usually selfish. So selfish in fact, that we do not even acknowledge it!

Nowhere is man's selfishness more pronounced than in our interactions with those we deem less than us. I have seen dogs wearing ribbons in their hair, birds being preened by rough brushes, cats being given manicures. No one can convince me that they are indifferent to it, let alone that they enjoy it!

In an earlier article, I have spoken of how we have made a mockery of what we consider 'pets'. It is all a function of our superiority complex. Of how we think we can make decisions about every living thing that we can dominate. The dysfunctional part is that we pretend we are doing good, that we are compassionate even though we cage birds that should fly, and put whales in what would virtually be a tub for for them. We must be a special kind of dumb to call ourselves animal-lovers!

So when we are clapping at the show where the elephant has been tortured into standing on two hind feet, or scream in delight at the dolphins leaping at the trainer's command, let us at least concede that we have subjugated them to our will. And not because we love them, but because we love ourselves.

Step Back

I do not mean to sound audacious, but I just thought I need to try and put in writing something special this mother's day. Far be it for me to assume that there was anything extraordinary in my mothering. But there may be something there that I have such a perfect child! I will not even attempt to define myself as a mother. Good or bad, it will be only my daughter's prerogative to write about.
I will not even presume to talk about sons - because I do not have one. I believe that with a son it is an entirely different dynamic.
I will just put across some insight that I have gleaned along the way. It was not premeditated, or even contrived. Its something that just worked for me. I hope someone can learn from it - and be able to have the same joy I have everyday of having a daughter for a best friend.
For one thing, never get involved in your child's life, especially after she hits teenage. Sounds terrible, but think about it. I have seen too many mothers trying to ensure that their daughters have the perfect life. They will fight the fights, direct every move. Well-meaning of course, but severely damaging to the relationship. The child is her own person. She has, and always will have, her own world. You do not belong there. Her friends, music, even studies, are in a realm that you have left; yours was in a different time - and in all probability a different place too! Oh yes, she belongs in your world. Do not force yourself into a door that never really was yours to open. The only door you can open is to YOUR own life. You may not belong in that new domain she has, but she of course belongs in yours. Do not close that to her. Let your child be a part of your space. Don't ask about her friends; tell her about yours. Do not try and inveigle an invitation to her parties, let her come with you to yours. Do not badger her about her dreams - they are yet nascent. Tell her about yours, both the shattered and the burgeoning. The capital of experiences she will build by learning through your trials and successes will help her through life.
Another thing I have learnt (the easy way - by just listening to my daughter!). Time is important. Not its passing, or its utilization. Your time with her. A lot of time simply wasted in 'quality time together', 'learning time,' 'bonding time'. She does not need that! She just needs you to watch that horrendous movie with her (even if all you do is mindlessly criticize the whole time!) Or share a cupcake( or two) with her. Simply, just that.

Do not misinterpret the fallback that I am advocating as a lack of responsibility. You have to be there - always, with the smile and the hug of course, but also with the stern eye and the big lecture. I am not going to talk of morals, ethics or principles - because it is what you have that she will pick up - whether you like it or not. And as she grows she may just as well discard yours for her own!
Just be there, accepting, but non-intrusive, and then step back and let her take wing. You will delight in the individual she becomes. It is simple wisdom I wanted to share. But then, is wisdom ever simple?

The other day, my daughter was talking to me about something she read in Spanish. She was explaining to me this concept of "indirect education" - educacio'n indirecta. It is about the learning accumulated outside of the classroom, through life, and through what she calls your 'sociosphere'.

It got me thinking about how important this subliminal learning is - and how we rarely even understand that we are learning- all the time, everywhere. I am sure that we are more impressionable when we are not being taught directly.

And of course that led me to draw my own new (and possibly, to you, weird conclusions). Have you noticed how people are always looking to others for their own self- image? It seems all-important to them that others like what they are wearing, - whether or not they themselves do. There is this overwhelming need to be 'the same' as everyone else. It used to unnerve me initially when I encountered it here. Yes, I have never seen this fear of being different in any other place. It is surprising that 'fitting in' is the mantra of kids in a country which is synonymous with the word ' freedom' . It is here, sadly, that I see people chained by the one thing they imagine to be acceptable.

What to wear, how to move, how much to weigh, what to eat, where to go, what (or who) to carry... the list goes on. Everything has to 'approved' by some magazine or some star, or the group you belong to. The disease is prevalent across generations and gender. Of course you can place blame on many things - a greedy media, unrealistically proportioned dolls, the breakdown of the family structure. And I do believe all of the mentioned contribute to the shaken confidence so prevalent in this economically developed society.

But the primary reason is the breakdown of a sense of psychological structure. And this breakdown is because of there are no lucid rules to base them on. I do not refer to the rules and laws of the land, for they are wonderfully sound in this country (at least comparatively). I am talking about the rules of social behaviour; of the subconscious messages that we all get and understand as we grow up. The change of tone of an adult when he or she is talking to someone of a different skin color, the look of longing in a friend's face when she looks at an expensive bag, the TV anchor who stands just right in that jacket (Is it the jacket that makes her look so stylish?). Teachers sidestep telling parents that the child needs a smack across his head. What kind of message is the child getting? The he/she does not deserve that smack on the head, whatever he/she does. Neighbours cannot yell at kids for misbehaving on the streets. Message to the child - 'Do whatever you want out of sight of the proper authority, and you can get away with it'. You cannot call an ineffectual idiot exactly that because you could get sued. Message - 'Mediocrity is protected'. We are so caught up with the projected lives of celebrities and the very rich, that the message we usually get is that we do not matter. Even to ourselves, our own ideas become unimportant. Eventually, our ideals lose value. Sometimes the social messages we imbibe are not even aligned with the direct instructions we are given - and that results in the the lack of proper framework in our thinking. We hear that money is not the means to happiness, that it cannot be a yardstick of success. But then the admiration for money we see all around tells us that it is all-important. The indirect message we may get is that getting it in whatever way we can, ethical or not, is acceptable.

And that is where we loosen the scaffolding of our personality, of our psychological structure. Eventually we are giving mixed messages by trying to be politically correct, or at least legally proper. And everyone is simply confused, weak, lame. Impressionable minds latch onto anything that seems to them strong or successful. If they think the girl strutting around on stage wearing nothing larger than a handkerchief, looks happy and confident, that is what they will ape. There is that very empty space in their minds that needs to be filled - and the reigning image is what fills it.

There is nothing wrong in wanting the same kind of great shoes you saw someone wear, or that handbag that is a new craze. However, its disturbing when a woman, who to all intents and purposes has made a success of her life, ties herself into knots to try and be sartorially 'right'.(yes; and me for one, had no idea what was wrong in the clean, modest, well-fitting apparel she was wearing). If the image of yourself is entirely dependent on what you see of others, then the best way to solve such problems is to carry cans of paint, and color yourself to match everyone else. Even that will not work. Happiness is never going to be the end result when it is totally reliant on what you assume others must see in you.

So what is the solution?

Well, like almost everythign in life, it is easier said than done. We need to build the framework of our psychological structure from within ourselves. To think for ourselves, to acknowldege our own wants, weaknesses and strengths. First step? We need to embrace our own unique individuality. Of course we all cannot be the same. We need to accept that our likes and needs are definitely not going to be the same as our neighbour's, or even our best friend's. And if we cannot accept that of ourselves, it is nearly impossible to accept it of others.

So let us build our internal structure of hopes and principles by oursleves, dependent on only our own compasses. And let us be conscious and careful of what we portray of oursleves.It should be just that - ourselves.

Life vs art

They say art imitates life. I have also heard, often enough, that life imitates art. However, this is not possible because art is a figment of man's imagination. It is a reflection of how a person would want the world to look (in most cases).Art portrays an idealistic image - of good or bad. And that is the problem - it is not real. It is not meant to be. Like beautiful paintings of scenes in which you can see the colors and the light, but not the insects; where you can see the vibrance of the market without the unpleasant smells.

So also with on-screen art - whether it is drama, comedy or movies on the big screen. Regular life problems like traffic jams are glossed over, the characters find solutions in the span of a series at the most. Clothes, hair and food - all come in perfect conditions at ideal times. It really makes real life stink! It feels terrible when Ziva of NCIS walks into the end-of-a rough-day scene looking fresh, absolutely ready for anything more, while my legs are aching from sitting hunched on little desks. I know I would give anything to be able to snatch the coffee that is always in Gibbs' hands. But I also know I would either have to make my own coffee - or treat myself to a ready one by going and getting one!

This of course is a small example. I believe the effect of these dramas and soaps is much more pernicious. The insidiousness lies not solely in the image we begin to expect from ourselves and others, it is so in the relationships we begin to imagine. We see the unbearably syrupy FBI agent husband perennially putting his career secondary to his wife's in The Closer. We gag at dialogues like "I will not let you hurt her anymore; I am with her now", but eventually almost begin to expect it. First onscreen, then in our lives. Do you know of anyone who would say that for anyone?? Oh, I know many who believe that, an actually do care that much- but would they SAY it? And slowly, we think less of men we know because they do not say what or how all the actors do. On TV we see men bending over backwards to humor their partners, and racing to be the first to apologize after a row. How many times does it happen in real life? It is hardwired into the male psyche not to! So why do we depict such unnatural behaviour ALL the time? It confuses women eventually when this ideal behaviour is not as commonplace as they had begun to expect. Women who watch these will slowly find all men lacking. Because these TV shows do not just raise the bar of expectation, they create one that is nonexistent in life.

And then there is the superwoman. The career-minded, great-looking, warm-hearted, uncannily intuitive-to-your-needs female partner of most Law&Order shows. Everywhere else too, sadly, the one qualification of being a woman is that you have to be really good looking and always in shape. In Indian soaps, the women also have to be a walking advertisement of some jewellery store while she's slogging over the stove even though she is fasting for her husband's long life! Oh, I love TV, especially the crime dramas! But I have to catch myself from wishing that real problems would get solved in an hour. I have to remind myself that life is not always as fair as they portray, that there may most likely never be anyone as principled as Jack McCoy or Leroy Jethro Gibbs. And I need to remember that the conundrums that I laugh at are not always funny in real life.

Our talents have been used well in amusing ourselves. Creativity is, after all, best utilized when it gives us the much-needed pabulum to our wearied souls. Art, at its best, is entertainment. We do need that respite of escape into another world . The difficulty arises only when we expect our world to mirror the one we create on screen.

Pets or Pests?

Is it only me who is horrified by the variety and standard of pet food that's been developed and sold to us? No, its not that it is bad. It is that it is absurdly grandiose. I mean, there really is such a thing as 'too good'.

Apparently animals, suddenly now, need a very high level of nutrition to survive being cared for by humans. Cats need salmon that tastes 'restaurant-style' that according to the advertisements should ideally be served up in a crystal goblet. Dogs need meats that have been processed till nothing is left in them except the artificial 'nutrients' that apparently is 'good' for them. Fool them with Beggin Strips, another add suggests. Just give them what we think is good for business!

Your dog needs vegetables?? Which self-respecting dog worth his salt is ever going to gnaw on a carrot? I find it shocking that dog food had carrots and peas for 'good health'. But its even more shocking, that this dog food has been developed as a result of years of research. How much money are we pouring into this ludicrous industry when soup kitchens are running on close to nothing, and people are without water and basic necessities in large parts of the world. How callous and STUPID can we get? Special diets for puppies, gourmet food for cats. Nutritional vitamin logs for rabbits that should anyway be hopping free in woods and living off the land. Food that does not taste like it's 'out of a can'. Really?

The worst part is that we are NOT doing it for the pets. We are doing it to stroke our egos, for own despicable arrogance. Again, man is at his selfish best. If we really cared for any other living being- isn't it much more worthwhile to care for the abused or abandoned animals? Would it not be better to ensure that they have regular food and shelter? But sadly, we have been conned into spending money on over-pampering the pets that entertain our children. It makes me wonder if love and caring have any part in the reasons for holding an animal under our roofs. Could it be the plain old need to control another life? Or is it to decorate our home, or is it simply the crutch to start off an interesting party conversation? How else would one explain the need to keep a tiger in such unnatural surroundings? Or a snake living its life in a glass box? Or lovely birds in a cage? So we assuage our guilt by getting them bizarre toys and ridiculously extravagant food. Where do we get the gall to declare love for any species, let alone our choice of pets, if we can justify such hedonistic, excessive largess for one (or two) of a kind, while so many others suffer? How can we presume to be caring when we let those of our own species live on so much worse than 'the taste of out-of-a-can'.

A lot of this idiocy boils down to unadulterated commercialization. And probably that is why the almost 20-billion-dollars pet food industry is based only in the developed countries. I assure you pets in India do very well too - without the expensive pet products. Those products are not for the pets- they are for us, because we are the ones with the wallet!

We get animals to share our homes. We care for them, love them, and expect a little bit of love in return. That is understandable. But why do we make such a fuss that they become annoying to everyone else. By spending insane amounts of money on them why do we make them a pest for everyone else it the world?

Oh - and please do not get me wrong. I am not ranting against pets. I really do love animals. I respect them enough to hate zoos. I have grown up with dogs, and have cherished having them around. I am certainly not saying that pets are pests. I am saying we are.

Man is No Island

Have you ever thought of the many people who have touched our lives? Of course, there are the obvious parents, friends, and colleagues, who become an essential part of your life. Then there are the those in our peripheral sociosphere - people whose effect on us is also undeniable - negative or positive. Our experience with them cements the bricks that make up our personal grammar. These are people who touch our lives fleetingly - the politician you may never meet , the actress who brings about a smile to your face, the friend of a friend who you see occasionally but who defines for you one characteristic you identify with her or him.

Obviously, all experiences add up to the person we are. But I would like to stretch that thinking and say all people we see and meet add to the person we become. No man is an island, and the waves that beat against each of us keep refashioning us over time. It is not only our attitudes, but our actions that also change. I would whip out my checkbook for any fundraising that had the word 'police' in it. Even when I was not sure that the money actually went to benefit our law enforcers. But now, after one particularly unpleasant and unfair traffic stop, I throw all those envelopes I have come to know straight into the garbage! One cop with an attitude consequated in a change in my attitude; a minor change it may be, but it has made a difference nevertheless.

So who has the most effect on us? Certainly the people who stay the longest in our circle and certainly also those who are in our intimate sociosphere*. We learn most from constant interaction. We pick up philosophies, nuances, body language, even beliefs from those we see on a regular basis. But there are people who we meet for a few moments only, and they leave a lasting impression.

I remember one night in my hometown, when our car broke down in a lonely area. The three of us in the car - my sister, my mother and me - had no idea what to do (cell-phones were not very common). So we were just struggling to push the car and coax it into starting. A young man came on a two-wheeler and offered to call for help. We called a family friend and thanked him for being an angel. It is a wonderful thing that its not rare to see people stop to help, and I know of innumerable such people. But this man did one little extra thing. He pulled his little scooter to the side and waited with us. That is all. He said nothing. Just stood there till our friend got there and then rode away. We never got his name. Never got to tell him how much we appreciate that sensitive understanding. A simple gesture transformed his little deed from an act of kindness to a grand gesture of magnanimity. I will never know his name and I do not even remember his face. But that little extra he did so unceremoniously has forever defined for me real kindness. People like that became a part of our psyche. Not only because they teach us a moral we hold dear for the rest of our lives, but it makes us want to model that behaviour. For me, it has now made me always say, even in the simplest of situations - is that all I can do? I believe it has made me more forthcoming with help when it is needed.

It has been said that we are known by the company we keep. I believe we should be known by the company we are to others - whether for an instant, or for a lifetime. Because, just as others shape us, we mould others too. Not just the friends we meet everyday, but even those we encounter for a moment, like the person who holds the door for us, or the pedestrian who waves a thank you.

*Sociosphere = entire social circle of an individual; coined by Rasha Alam. Copyright.

Learning

Education is defined as the act of imparting/acquiring general knowledge, developing powers of reasoning and judgement, and basically preparing oneself intellectually for mature life.

I do believe we seem to have lost this very basic concept. Today, attainment of knowledge is not the goal of the student. Academics is considered only an aspect of the qualifications required for a vocation. It is a trite search for a livelihood. Children study only that which seems to give them the best bet in getting them the best job. Success is defined by the money your first job offers. Education's new mantra is not learning, it is earning. And its ironic that a simple spelling mistake can sum up everything that is wrong with today's schooling.

Our biggest universities seem to have become glorified polytechnics. I find it almost unbearable when designers from reputed schools decide midway through to study medicine. And then have the gall to announce that it the earning potential of the field that has drawn them to it! The immense lack of integrity is staggering. What kind of doctors will these people make? Obviously there is as little love for the subject of medicine itself as they had for their previous chosen field. What of the empathy that this profession demands? As usual, I must put across my caveat: there is always that exception - situations when a field dies out, when there is no scope of development in a field and one must change tracks. Or when a person really does grow out of the role he/she has, and needs a new career. But when the consideration is only monetary it is a vile insult to human endeavour.

I know of a family where the brilliant son has so many options open to him because of his good grades and excellent SAT scores. The boy has NO IDEA what subjects he would like to explore. All he asks as advice is information on which field will be highest paying by the time he graduates! I would be surprised if he stays sane till then.

It is this frenzy for big, quick bucks that has relegated learning to the few inquiring minds who risk derision when they say they just want to 'study for now'. Where there should have been mass enlightenment of the human race on the knowledge we already have in store, we have mass hysteria of a race with an imaginary finish line. People often tell me 'competition is tough'. I am still to see the 'competition'. My mind has been independent of any others, my learning, or lack thereof has been my own, so who do I compete with?

The saddest part of this lunatic race in which we have thrown out kids is this- that the child who actually has got the inclination and the talent for the ' hot' career may actually be left behind. Getting into the school of choice becomes the prerogative of those with the 'right training' in India, or the 'right resume' in the US. And sometimes the 'right money' simply swings it to its advantage.

My daughter, thankfully, works in her own orbit. Sometimes she does not even like the assignments she is doing, but she knows she is working towards that erudition- not the job at the end of 4 years and a degree, but at what she wants to do with the 4 years of knowledge of biological cells she has by then. Yes, she wants to 'study for now'. And it is people like her who will find cures, and design drugs. Students like this who will write the next Paradise Lost, or propel the next tech revolution.

That brings me to the second point that has been bothering me. We have moved into didactic culture where we pamper students. We have fancy words, and even fancier instructional research. We have differentiated instructions , and even more differentiated approaches for labelled abilities . It is about as bad as the parenting guidelines that our thrown at us every few years! It is time we understood that the word teaching has a root meaning. TEACH. To impart knowledge, yes, but also to train and discipline. The classroom is not a playground, it is not a fun picnic. It is a place where you come to learn. And a part of the learning is to deal with things you may not like. I have been to many workshops, and have tried a variety of their programs in my classroom. Of course the programs are wonderful and the children have fun learning. But nothing works as well as 'you just have to do it'. Of course, I am not talking of children with special needs ( I have none in my class). But all other children, whatever their learning style- a simple 'do it' is all the motivation they need. We really need to stop pampering our children. Life will throw things at you that will be tough. That is guaranteed. Problems will not check your learning abilities before smiting you. Successful education teaches you how to cope with life problems, how to adjust to and accommodate the vicissitudes of fate. And teaching you to study according to what and how the teacher decides, gives you tools that you will call upon all through life.

It has been so aptly said- 'Education is what remains after what one has learned has been forgotten'. After one has forgotten the phonics and the projects,and teachers who struggled to help you put it all together, what remains are the skills you used to learn them. Western education has lost this crucial part of pedagogy.