Generous Charity

How would you define charity?

In an earlier article, I had pointed out that parting with any excess we may have been blessed with is not generosity, and it is certainly not charity. Purging your closet of extra, unused clothes may be a nice thing to do, it may even be an expression of the desire to help someone in need - but it cannot be classified as philanthropy.

So how do I define charity? Charity requires, by definition, a little bit of self-denial and sacrifice. I can be big-hearted and give a lot of stuff, but real charity does not constitute disposing of something I have enough of (and feeling good about it). Real charity is giving from what is not in reserve to aid someone else. When asked to share their snack with someone who had none for the day, two of my first graders offered half their bag of chips. One child had a lot of other snacks in his bag, one had just juice and the bag he proffered to share. There is a very concrete, definable difference in their otherwise identical kindness. It is defined by what they had to offer to begin with. One may be generous and not charitable, but one can never be charitable without being generous.

So if Melinda Gates decides to hop around the world making sure that poor kids get immunized, she is being generous. And she well can afford to be (and maybe she NEEDS to be)! But it is not real charity. Not according to me. Seriously - big deal! Nice of her, of course, but can we please stop acting as if the world needs to take its collective hat off to her and her trust? The Gates picked something close to their heart. I applaud the fact that they are taking out time and money to help better the world, to help make it safer for others, us, and themselves. Very generous. But charitable??? Hmmm.

I think the essence of charity is looking at what your recipient needs, not what you want to give; to consider what is imperative and pressing (like children chewing on bark in Africa to stave off hunger pangs), rather than what catches your fancy. The Gates think fighting disease is important. It is their priority, but it may not be all-important to kids who take the shots. How about ensuring clean water and environment first? Lawrence O'Donnell raised more than 2 million dollars to buy desks for children in Malawi. Desks! In a country struggling with food shortages, bad government, and rampant AIDS. PLEASE!! Am I the only one who is actually a little annoyed? Everyone else is patting themselves on the back that kids will not have to sit on the floor while learning at school. Do we know if there is enough clean water or food for them at home? Or proper sanitation? Or lunch at school ? Or even if they have enough books or pencils? Is where they sit to learn really that important?

I believe that charity is morally incumbent upon each one of us. Not just generosity, for that is largely dependent on one's nature. The frequency of giving is predicated on things like ability, opportunity and environment. But charity is, for me, something that is required for the purification of one's soul. Once you begin to give because someone else needs it, it ennobles your spirit. When you give of something you cannot spare, it demonstrates how immaterial material things are. It makes you more than the sum total of your possessions. That is a very empowering feeling.

That also means that charity is independent of a person's resources too. How much you have has no correlation to how much you can change someone else's situation, because you will be fulfilling someone's need at that moment. Maybe it is $10, maybe it is a $1000, or maybe it is a snow shovel to borrow. Or giving a push to a stalled car.

I think it is charity when you can smile and wish someone a good day when all you feel like is kicking something or someone(!) real hard. You have to draw on draining emotional reserves to do the right thing. I think that is what the Prophet Muhammad meant when he said 'Smiling is charity.' He was not talking of the mindless grinning to look good, or smiling to look pleasant and make an impression. He was talking of smiling to make the other person feel better.

Oscar Wilde said that no good deed is unselfish. Everything we do is to make ourselves feel better. Are we all so jaded that that is what the definition of good is reduced to? Real charity, I have always believed, is something constant - irrespective of your means, situation, or your life plans. If you are giving $100 to a soup kitchen when you earn 5000K a month, please do not donate a million to UNICEF when you get that 15 million dollar lottery. Make the equal percentage donation to what you know in the heart you always needed to do.

I guess I may be envious of people who have too much money and time to know what to do with themselves - the royalty by accident of birth, the rich by marriage, even the stock market gamblers. So when I accept their generosity at face value as 'charity' - that they are doing this for others and not for themselves, it is I who is being my charitable best!

Just enough

With the new year around the corner, there are lots of wishes and resolutions going around. Happens every year, with everyone , in some way or the other. We pray, we resolve, we decide, and usually we forget. Tennyson ended a poem of his on a line of hope - "and the new sun rose bringing in a new year." But the sun rises every day bringing in a new day - and we ignore that new beginning that is gifted to us.
However, there is something about changing the numbers on the 4-digit part of the date that makes it special. We feel the need to match such a change with a change for the better in our lives. So the 'resolutions'. Of course the new year gets old within a week and the importance of the keeping those resolutions fades away.
Well, it is that time of the year again. I am praying for lots of things that I hope will happen in 2011. Probably the same things I had hoped for in December 2009. I do believe, though, that they will have to do with money somehow. My prayers usually do. But since my prayers are going to be about the same, there definitely was no 'Aha' Prize Patrol moment this passing year. At the same time, I am happy enough, thank God.
And that brings me to what I want to write about today. I did mention the importance of finances for happiness in an earlier article . But I did not impress upon the reader how very important it is. Not having enough money can destroy whatever little joys you might want to gather for yourselves. A vacation with family, a gift for a friend, a drive to the park, a box of chocolates - everything would require expenditure. So granted, financial security is an all-important aspect for happiness.

But how would you define financial security? How would you mark that elusive 'enough'? And therein, I think lies the control of our own lives. We know of enough famous-and-rich people who fight depression with drugs and worse. And of course, more than enough of those struggling to stretch their paychecks to meet the next. A whole lot of wealth is not ideal, and a paucity of funds is certainly not.

I think that what gives us contentment is not the physical accumulation of wealth, it is the knowledge that we have what we need. That we have enough. What is enough is for each of us to decide. We all have a bar of what is ideal for us. We just need to identify it.

Let us not make the mistake of taking a facile decision of saying 'the more the better' because it really is not. It only lends to a dissatisfaction with whatever we have been blessed with, and puts us in a mad race against everyone we think has more than we do.

Each of us can decide to live within our means. And that does not mean we must not try to enlarge our provisions, or try to earn that extra buck. But our requirements must dictate if we need that extra wealth. I know of people who have bought a huge house because they wanted to show that they can afford to! They call a whole bunch of people every weekend to show-off their home, and those are the most tortuosly boring get-togethers I have been at. The fanciest parties that I have been at, where I have learnt and tried new things and met new friends, has been at a beautiful yet unpretentious home. My friend gives million-dollar parties without, I am sure, spending that amount.

I believe that it is very important to have a need for more, to enable the capacity to hope. I do not mean that 'need' to own a 10-bedroom house; rather, the need to save for a fancy vacation, or an expensive car. To need to work towards an indulgence makes it all the more valuable, all the more memorable. It gives us a feeling of fulfillment and success that could not have been engendered with permanent financial comfort.

So, this year I am not praying for the multi-million dollar lottery. I am praying for enough money for all my needs, a little more for stability, some more for celebrating life, and more importantly enough peace to enjoy it all. My resolution? To remember how much is just enough.

Human trafficking

Dear Friend,

Add your voice and keep this issue a priority.

Trafficking doesn't just happen "somewhere else." Victims of trafficking are right here in the United States, suffering horrific human rights violations. Each year, over 17,000 people are trafficked into this country, and between 100,000 to 3 million human beings are enslaved and trafficked domestically.

Around the globe, statistics show a staggering 12 million women, men, and children become "modern-day slaves" because of the practice of trafficking each year. Estimates are that there are more slaves today—27 million—than in any point in human history.

Join us in the fight against modern day slavery and human trafficking by adding your voice to a growing community that refuses to stay silent on this epidemic.

Safe Horizon is at the forefront of anti-trafficking efforts, helping victims find support and justice. With a two-tiered approach, we provide domestic and foreign-born victims representing 60 countries around the globe with legal and social services.

We are leaders in changing the legal landscape on this issue through advocacy efforts that fight for laws that give victims more protection and that ensure harsher punishments for traffickers. Our efforts have made us the largest direct-service provider for survivors on the East Coast, giving trafficking victims the help and hope they deserve.

To fight trafficking, it takes the bravery and compassion of many people speaking out against the abuse and exploitation of our fellow human beings. Will you speak out today?

Thank you for making a difference.

Sincerely,

Ariel Zwang
CEO, Safe Horizon

PS - January 11th is National Human Trafficking and Modern Slavery Awareness Day. Join our efforts today and we'll keep you informed on how you can support our activities that will honor this important event.


This degradation of humanity cannot be allowed. Let each one of us do our little bit to help rid our world of such egregious exploitation. Please do your 'bit'-
http://org2.democracyinaction.org/o/6543/p/salsa/web/common/public/content?content_item_KEY=4714&key=879380

Ideal Identity

Wanting something is entirely different from knowing what you are good at. I know a girl who admitted to cooking up blood pressure readings, rather than admit she did not know how to take them, while she was volunteering at a doctor's office. She is a doctor today. Someone with such an abhorrent paucity of integrity is a doctor only because her other sisters are. It is a public joke in our circle that we should avoid hospitals when any of these sisters are on duty. The point I am trying to make is this - it is the 'being doctor' she wanted, not actually practicing the craft. I give her five years before she goes into depression or, God forbid, hurts a patient. Meeting that girl again made me more than slightly annoyed. Why do people do things for appearances? Is that why they think they were born - to be what someone thinks is the right person for them to be? I know it takes a lot of emotional maturity and moral integrity to look for you within yourself. I did talk about this in my earlier blogs. Aim for something you want to do, not something you want to be. You want to play with fabric and cuts, be a designer. Do not do it for the bow at the runway. Join a political party because you want to work for the upliftment of the country, not solely to be a senator.

But this is about more than just a case of choosing an occupation solely for image. It is about our ability to recognize ourselves, and to respect our own selves enough to follow our heart's dictates. And this brings me to something I have been trying to understand, or maybe just trying to put into a coherent thought. Who are we? Not as a community but as individuals. Each one of us is ONE person. It is not as facile as it sounds. Not us qua what our occupation or relationships define, but us in the raw; us with all extraneous layers are peeled off. The real person we are when we are alone.

I believe that if we can be exactly that same person when we are with others, it leaves a lot of tranquility and space in your mind and heart to discover other things in life. It leaves enough energy within yourself to learn new thing and grow as a human being.

How many of us behave differently in different crowds? Our reactions change when the recipient of those reactions changes. Of course, we act differently with a old friend than we would with someone we have just met, or treat a child differently from the elderly. But when our very style of interacting is dependent on who we are interacting with - when the tone, style and content is dictated by the other person - then something is really missing within our own compass. It is not a simple question of civility, for genuine civility is independent of place, time and person (idea paraphrased from Rasha's essay :))

Everyone needs approval. It is a natural human need for approbation from family , friends and society. Everyone would like to be famous, but some do drastically crazy things to get attention. It is the same craziness whether Paris Hilton lifts her dress up enough to leave nothing to imagination, and assures her photo in a magazine, or whether I agonize if I should wear the same outfit to a lunch only because someone else might recognize a repeat.

The point I am trying to make is this: What you do must be only what you want or need to do, not what will make you appear 'cool or 'fun' or 'smart' or 'rich' or whatever else an empty soul might conjure up. Lets face it- your bag and shoes will garner a comment of admiration, or maybe derision, but you are the one who wears them, so you should be the one who is comfortable with them.

Your identity is two-fold. It is a perfect state when both parts are in synchrony. One part is what you know of yourself, and the second is what is perceived of you. If you do not know the first enough to be true to yourself, or if you do not accept the persona you are, the second part - the identity you present to others - is going to be an ineffective artifice. The identity is ideal only if the person you project is genuinely you. Any other person that you model yourself after is going to be a bad remake. To make your identity genuine and ideal all we need to do is stop pretending to be anything but ourselves - that's all.

Legalize drugs

I really hope California will pass the Prop 19 vote to legalize marijuana.

For the life of me I have not been able to understand why drugs have been give such a bad name! It is as bad, or as good, as alcohol. Maybe better, because latest research has shown that for the body (and soul!) alcohol is worse. According to a study published in the Lancet " These socially accepted drugs ( Alcohol and tobacco) were judged more harmful than cannabis, and substantially more dangerous than the Class A drugs LSD, 4-methylthioamphetamine and ecstasy." To read more- http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/03/070323105029.htm

Just because we are used to seeing alcohol being served in lovely crystal , it does not make it better. It was not long ago when alcohol was illegal. But all that Prohibition did was create Al Capone, and enriched organized crime. People thought then that legalizing alcohol would create anomie and anarchy. It seemed very likely that society would degrade and decay if liquor could be bought easily from any store. We now know that has not happened. Of course, there are some who drink badly, but that is an issue of individual discretion. In fact because it is legal, and socially acceptable, it has become less pernicious. And it will be the same with drugs. Even I know that opium is a sedative, and that marijuana kills pain. If we get off our high horses and open our eyes, there may be more beneficial aspects that research may throw up.

The drug trade is driven by casual users- the party-goers who want the 'high', the Wall Street executives who unwind with the 'fix' , the teens who need to be 'cool'. The cool factor of drugs is largely because it is illegal. How many teenagers will want show off using drugs if anyone who needs them can go get them? And if its is not 'dangerous' anymore? Legalizing drugs will also bring about a consumer- driven safety catch. There will not be fatalities because some kids partied with a fatal mix of drugs that they bought from a reprobate off a street corner.

Why should we blame a product for a person's actions? People who use drugs irresponsibly are the same who smoke irresponsibly and will drink irresponsibly. They will drive irresponsibly, they will take loans irresponsibly. It is a character flaw, not a drug problem. Saying they will go and run over someone in a legal-drug infused state is ridiculous. That person has the same chance of running someone over while he/she is texting. And if drugs is what a person needs, he /she will get it- only it will be in some underhand way from some disgusting chap who is funding a prostitution ring on the side.

In monetary terms, legalizing drugs would save about $41.3 billion per year in government expenditure on enforcement of prohibition. And that does not count the resulting criminal offenses. Taxation on the trade would bring in revenue of 2 to 6 billion according to some economists. And that is the projection for the present use of 'drugs for leisure' trade. We are not even looking at any medical use research might throw up. Let the pharmaceutical companies take over and make their customary mind-boggling profit. They will also ensure a proper supply-demand, even if for their own account books. It is better than having drug lords murdering people who get in their way.

As of now, it is those of us who genuinely need drugs that suffer. I can empathize with those who need marijuana for pain management. I have suffered terrible back pain and I had the STUPID doctors here doling out 3 pills at a time because of the chance that I might sell them!! I finally got a whole lot that I needed from a doctor who knew me enough to know I was not faking pain. I am not addicted even after prolonged use,and I flushed the extra ones away. But I saw what actual patients go through.

The best part of legalization is that those vile drug cartels will collapse- so much of smuggling, killing and street gunfights will just go away!! If ONLY for that it is well worth it.

Banning drugs is not going to stop the stupid, or the troubled, or the weak-willed, from getting drugs for 'recreation'. It may not even prevent unreasonably incautious drug usage. But then keeping it illegal has certainly not helped either. Keeping drugs illegal only makes the mafia richer. It only entrenches criminality in a trade that could just as well be a regular business.

The morality of using substances that do not elicit societal approbation should not be within the purview of governments. It is an individual's right to choose. In a country that guarantees such freedom to us, drugs must be made legal.

The Happiness Within

I have been trying to understand what actually brings happiness. Not just personally or individually - but as a general rule. What is it that makes everyone happy, whatever their life may be like?

If all of us need the same oxygen to breathe, the same nutrition to flourish, we certainly must have the same basic things that can ensure happiness. It must be something that gives each of us joy - whatever our state in life, whatever our other aims.

The first thing that comes to mind is family. Nothing can match the joy our children bring us, the surety of love of siblings, parents, and spouses. There is hardly anything in the world that can match the bliss of good friendships. But these unparalleled joys, though essential to the quality of our lives, are not what bring us personal happiness. I know too many people who have had everything good in this area and are still looking for something in their lives. Family and a concrete social structure are important for happiness but life seems to need more.

And then I think of financial prosperity. Money is essential, most definitely. Without comfort, happiness is incomplete. But excessive wealth is only a trial of character. I can think of a hundred ways a lottery win will bring delight. But for each of those ways there are a hundred rich, young things whose only knowledge of happiness is probably spelling it. It is the right use of that wealth that brings joy. And the right use of wealth is not as easy as it sounds! However, we all need 'just enough' money at the very least. But both family and money spell security, not happiness.

Happiness is that elusive combination of joy and contentment, of elation and calm. Happiness entails being in that place with yourself when you can look at everything life gives you with equanimity. I think you need to believe that life is meaningful to be able to attain that state of mind in which you can accept the vicissitudes of life. And to make life meaningful, you need to be occupied with what adds value to yourself. I would never propound that we all run out and start earning a paycheck! That, unfortunately, is what most people do to 'seem' occupied. And that, sadly, must be the most meaningless way to live - to work solely for the paycheck (especially if that is ALL you do).

We have to find that fire within us that needs to be fanned and fed. The fire that gives us a warm glow of satisfaction. It could be working for a charity, it could be dancing, it could be keeping house, painting, knitting, reading, or even obsessing over world affairs! It has to be something only you will know. And you will know it, if it is the thing you keep trying to get back to. I cannot remember a time when I did not write: from the stupidest poem ever when I was 7 (I remember the poem and will NEVER put it in writing again!), to writing college election speeches for friends; Stories and essays written on napkins, on the backs of shopping receipts, on the covers of formal notebooks... most written and then thrown away - but written all the same.

What makes you happy will be something that is your solace and your energizer. Without it everything is incomplete. Irrespective of it being public or private it will give meaning to your life, for yourself.

Of course it is easier to find meaning when you can make a difference outside yourself, but there are times when your happiness source does not touch anyone else, but is relevant only to you (like my writing!). Bottom line, happiness is within you - it is simple, it is independent of what or where you are, and it is accessible .

So am I happy now? Right now - yes - I am writing this, after all!!

In close proximity

One of my very dear friends suggested I write on this topic.
It was very apt considering how close we are even though we live on opposite sides of the globe.

It got me thinking on what closeness actually means. We all have someone we like to be with, someone we want to share our thoughts and experiences with. If we are lucky we can do that on a daily basis, if not it is whenever we get to meet up with that person. Today's technology has made interaction so easy, and people so accessible, that physical proximity is not even necessary to trade stories and secrets.

All of us have at least one person we think about almost everyday, from our past or present, who in their very imago influence even our most banausic goings-on. We might buy something for a sister even when we are not sure when we will be meeting. We look at something a friend would have hated and smile. We think of something an old classmate said years ago and make a decision she will probably never know of.

Genuine intimacy is not just venting about what happened at work or at the gym. It means being able to understand what your friend is saying and going through. Sometimes you need the words, sometimes its just knowing the person and the predicament that he/she is in. Regular interaction is not even necessary. I have friends and cousins I meet very rarely but when we do its like there was no gap in our connection. We pick off not where we left off, but right where we are! The ease of talking is only matched with the contentment of knowing that you have someone who knows you, who actually cares.

Some of us have the unmatched blessing of living with our closest friends - be it a spouse, a parent, a sibling, or a child. But then we have close friends who live nowhere near us.

And that is where real friendship is tested. It's not only that they are in your thoughts. It is that you have them in mind even when you make decisions. You imagine their reactions or advice even when you might not have them at that time. I have many times discarded an outfit knowing my mom would not approve. It is the same as my daughter making me buy a shirt I probably would not have considered. My daughter is with me, my mom on the other end of Earth - but they have the same effect on me! (It's a different matter that if both were shopping with me, I would simply be the unimportant, non-participating person who holds the credit card!)

And how can we talk about any kind of social interactions without mentioning Facebook? Yes, I am a Facebook addict, and happily so. I have met friends I had lost touch with for years. And with so many of them it is as if there was a blinking of time that we were not in touch - because they were always in my mind. All that was needed was filling in gaps of where one is in life now. There was no need to build a relationship. Actual closeness means just that. The relationship never fades.

Then there is another kind of camaraderie, probably a new kind , that is engendered by this wonderful networking website. I have friends now who mean a lot to me, people I have never really met but have a deep affection for nevertheless. I learn so much from them as I learn about them, that bonding falls in place naturally.

Togetherness does not require that people be together physically. Of course nothing will ever compare with actually giving someone a hug , or seeing them smile or sharing a coffee. But it is nice to know that someone we love and care for, if not close by, will always be close to us in every other way that matters.