Birthday thoughts

So I think birthdays are overrated. If the day you are born is the one you need to celebrate OVER others, then it is a sad life; and maybe one you should not celebrate anyway.

Every day that one is blessed with is a special day, and if most days go by without some acknowledgement by you then making a huge deal on the anniversary of taking a first breath is meaningless.

So why celebrate? Life' s days are the same, right? Wrong. Life holds meaning every time a sunset takes your breath away, every time a friend makes you smile. Your birthday should be important to people in your life, and if that is so, then celebrate every day!!

The sun rises, glowing anew 
Into the day I drag my feet 
With my heart so bruised and blue 
I cannot another challenge meet. 
Each breath I take weighs on me 
Like something I have that I deserve not 
In my life for all to see 
Is a world by dying dreams wrought. 
\And yet I smile and walk and talk 
Struggling on in a wild belief 
Waiting for Opportunity's that one knock 
Tiny hope always alleviating crushing grief. 
For this I know and this I will state- 
Life will not pass by those who wait.

You, Now

It is ironic that it is after I wrote an article about how life tests you, I am thrown one of its biggest trials. And like I had said in my write-up, it is not pleasant. I cannot begin to imagine what it feels like to be told you have an advanced stage of a deadly disease. I do know its horrific enough to hear it for someone you share your life with.

All of us know we are mortals. Actually everything, including the universe in all probability, comes with an expiry date! We all know we are, after all, born but to die. But when we are faced with a definite and specific likelihood of how life is ending, it is traumatic, and unbelievably, it is shocking.

It was not easy trying to make ourselves get to deal with my husband's advanced lung cancer. It seemed for a long while that everything was WRONG. But it is not wrong. It is just the way it is. It is human arrogance that makes one believe life is not going to get tougher for us. 'Not me' is as escapist solution, but it does work while it does. If we begin to think of all that could go awry, we would be immobilized by fear. I believe we need to concentrate only on what's right, right now. And then it is not that bad, after all.

We are dealt a hand we can deal with, or rather we learn to deal with because nothing prepares you for the worst trials. So how do we rise to meet something we are just not prepared to deal with in any way? Something we really do not WANT to have to deal with?

- Learn from others. I have a dear friend who has been struggling so quietly and so bravely with this goddamned disease, I felt stupid collapsing into despair or fear. Then there are those at the cancer center who joke about the weight of their health files. Men and women who dress their best, and smile as they walk in to take their infusions.

- Know it's not the end. The intimation of bad news is not bad in itself. You still have the same things you had before you knew. In my husband's case, things got so much better after a harrowing chemo week, that it was easy to see the positive.

- Have Faith. The one thing you CANNOT do without. Faith in God's goodness and His mercy, faith is the support of friends and doctors. It is the most important thing you can have. Faith that life never gives you what you cannot handle. Faith that things do turn around, you just have to get through them. 

- Learn. I think that is probably one benefit we really do not see, an advantage we do not add to ourselves. The cliches of misfortunes making you stronger is utter nonsense; nothing makes you stronger. It is how strong you are to begin with to take the chipping off of your soul. Your strength of character is something that you have always had. But what changes is that you learn life. Things become very clear once the trifling nonsensical little things are peeled away - time schedules, unnecessary, fawning people, things that you do because of others, things you tolerate out of politeness. And you also learn what is really important to you. The big painting that still gives you joy, the trinkets that give you solace, the family you could not have survived without, the friends who prayed for you. The people you reach out to at such times are your real 'family'. Period. You know where everyone stands in your life. Those you seek out in your hell are those that make up your heaven. I always knew my friends and their worth, but now I know how much more they are to me. And I know exactly which part of family was and is always there for me. The rest will never matter again. 

- Live. The most important. The only attitude children should be taught. Each day is one unto itself. Each moment precious.Do not put life on hold. Have that extra cupcake, take that trip. We are all terminal. All we have is now. I don't mean we should be grinning for ear to ear everyday, or jump around and all the time. But relish each moment, the thrills, the sorrows, the joys, the shocks of pain and of pleasure. It is what your life is, it is what you are while you are on this earth. Each thing you like or dislike is what makes up your consciousness, and that, according to all religions, and according to my own Higgs boson-propelled theories, is all that's there - you, now.

Enjoy that test

Every entity in this world goes through a test period - an individual, an organization and even relationships.

We may not recognize the 'tough time' that is a trial of our character for it is only in retrospect that we  see how it has defined our path, and sometimes the very structure of our life. It is a forging by fire.

The success of that forging, and annealing, lies not in the outcome of the situation but in how we come out of it. Is it a more bitter person or a more patient person? Is the new you more empathetic, or more judgmental? I have seen people who have only contempt for anyone going through pain because they have gone through 'worse'. But the  only reason it seems worse is because they look back from a lower level than when it hit them. If we rise above the situation, it becomes just that - an experience, a situation.You may loose the company, or break the relationship you were fighting for, but how you have grown, and what you have learnt and ingrained in the process measures the success of that test.

Unfortunately, the tests are usually unpleasant experiences. Ah if only we were all tested by a lottery win! But it will more likely be a job loss that will enable the soul-searching and, yes, the requisite soul-searing. Sometimes just carrying ourselves with dignity through a sudden change of fortune defines us. 

Dignity in distress, and even in delight, is not easy to achieve. It is sometimes just a matter of  taking one day at a time, one moment at a time. I think it was Winston Churchill who said ' the only way through a difficult period is through it'. It is easier to pass through when you can cull some lovely moments and enjoy them. A stop for Starbucks coffee could be a big joy when you do not have the time or money. But I can promise you you will never enjoy it as much when you do get back on the wagon you are chasing. And every cup of coffee after that will remind you of the time when you did  that extra stretch to give yourself a cup. The best part is that it usually is going to be a memory for those you are sharing that coffee with too.

My point: enjoy that cuppa you are rewarding your self with. Whatever the slump you are going through, getting through it is the only way, and how you go through makes the slump a crest in itself.

People say life is not fair. It is not, and that is it's beauty. Can you actually imagine a smooth life, with no problems? There would be nothing to look forward to, and nothing to look back at! And then, without the tears how would we cherish the smiles?

Being Loyal

When Greg Smith exposed how his company was bolstering profits by giving clients wrong advice, everyone on that conscience-deficient Wall Street immediately denounced him as 'disloyal'.

How would you define loyalty? How important is loyalty on the landscape of life? Sure, it is great to be loyal to your country, but then even the Mafia demands unequivocal loyalty.That quality of being faithful is very restrictive. Loyalty to one entity by definition excludes others. When one chooses one value over another, it is then the mettle if a person shows up. Smith chose honesty. I am not surprised that it is Wall Street that is touting the 'loyalty line'. It takes a rampant kind of moral decrepitude that allows such a distorted versions of values. Loyalty over honesty? Certainly not copacetic.

Loyalty, by itself, may be the least honorable of the noble values. It is self- serving by it's very nature. Loyalty actually says 'me and mine are above you and yours'. And that cannot be acceptable. Loyalty is appropriate as long it does not infringe on an other values . It is an honorable value only if it is in conjunction with other higher ideals like love,honesty, kindness, or justice.

I cannot think of any other quality that engenders groupism as much as loyalty does. White collar groups, corporate executives, the police 'blue wall', feminism... the list goes on. Everyone thinks they are doing the right thing by banding in a  group they belong to. Great, but not at the cost of truth, or even openness. It bothers me when women band together for no other reason than that they have a different chromosome. I do not support Hillary Clinton because she is a woman, I support her because she is brilliant.  I do not cry for victims of acid-throwing because they are women, I cry because of the injustice and pain. And would shed the same tears if it was a man whose face was burnt. Women who add the cause of  feminism to issues like this are negating the horror of the crime itself.

I am sure Iranians are being loyal to their country by calling us the Great Satan but it is both untrue and mean. Dick Cheney was being loyal to his shareholder friends by sending young Americans to an unnecessary war, and that certainly is the opposite of every human ideal we can imagine! I am sure a lot of us have been a loyal friend by supporting or ignoring something wrong the friend is doing. Oppressors all over the world get away with their crimes because of teams of people who are simply being 'loyal' to them.

Being loyal to friends, family, and country is admirable of course, but eventually loyalty to your own moral propriety is all that matters .

The end or the means?

Today Shakespeare really irritated me. 'All is well that ends well'. He picked such an inane platitude as a title for his play. By that yardstick everything in the world is rendered meaningless because everything- and everyone - actually ends! The end should not be an issue at all for it is the path, the journey, the process, and how you go about it that matters. And just as it is the living that is important not the dying, so also it is the means to an end that is the all-in-all, and the aim is quite immaterial.

Ancient wisdom has always guided us to live in the moment and not think of what is to come. This does not mean 'live it up now' and everything else be damned. It simply means that one must live each moment in the best possible way. The Gita says that 'the fruits of work should not be your motive'. The end result should not be our concern, for it is the doing of our duty that defines us. Our duty as friend, spouse, sibling child, fellow human.

If it is the aim to be a doctor, it is a poor, sick choice. If it is the process of healing, the living as a doctor that matters, then you have got it right. If you are going through the grind of college for that degree, seriously, it is not worth it. The 'grind' of education is exactly what should have meaning for you, or there will never be any learning involved.

Finally, and completely, it is only the doing that matters. What and how it is done. Steve Jobs gave us some wonderful iPhones. Great goal, good result of course ( I am an Apple fan). A month before the launch of the first iPhone, he insisted on changing the cover from plastic to something 'unscratchable' . Wonderful idea, most certainly. But waking up scores of young Chinese workers in the middle of night and handing them a cup of coffee and a biscuit for a mandatory 12-hour shift is simply not the right way to go about it. Does it make getting the right product ready at the right time worth it? No one with a head that works will say yes. They say success comes naturally to those who do what they love doing. But that is not enough. I believe what you love doing should also be done right.

It brings me to a related saying 'the ends justify the means'. So, if the end is good, whatever the means are applied to that 'good end' are acceptable? In what kind of perverted universe would that be fair? Can you go about lashing people so that they learn how to behave? Can draconian laws be in place because they offer security? Or you can bribe your way to a public office because you will be doing more good in that position?

Going about things the wrong way, morally, ethically or legally, can never, ever be justified. Period. The world is not worth saving if even one person has be hurt intentionally for it. We have enough pain going about in the world without people starting to use silly phrases likes 'the ends justify the means' to add to it. For any noble end, the means have to be equally noble.

The conservatives in the US want to prevent abortions. Though personally I cannot fathom how anyone has the dimwitted meanness to make a public issue of such a personal decision, even the end of saving a "life" has been made into a disgusting joke because the means they are adopting. Forcing women to undergo invasive unnecessary procedures is just a little less bad than legislating away their right to choose to terminate a pregnancy.

 All is not well just because it ends well; all is only well when all is well- that means from beginning to end.

Who you are should be what you are

For once I could follow up on time on the tragedy of the plane crash in Russia that killed young hockey players. The investigation revealed pilot error. That was just a euphemistic way of saying that the pilot was cocky and overconfident, and the copilot was drunk. The cockpit recordings revealed that the copilot was actually egging the pilot to go ‘faster’, and the pilot obliged. Then they made the rash decision to land even though visibility was close to zero. A trained pilot and navigator making a peurile, immature choice. Making silly decisions is usually born out of arrogance. That brings us to my question – how far can training override personality?

I believe that when times are tough, and in stressful situations, it is only one’s character that matters. You either have the wherewithal to do it right, or you don’t. It is not training that inculcated that ability into you; it is a lifetime of learning, most of it being unconscious and involuntary. What a person learns specific to the job he or she is doing can be ingrained only as far as it is aligned with the principles the person already has. Of course the pilot was trained to fly, of course he had experience, of course he knew the warning signs of all defects in the craft. Of course he believed that he could go faster and be safe, that he could certainly land the plane. What he did not have is the sensitivity to realize that he had to be overly cautious because he was literally carrying 50 lives.

What kind of a person would take that lightly? That is precisely what I am trying to point out. It is eventually the only thing that defines our work – the kind of person we are.

I remember the captain of our British airways flight refusing to take off from Mumbai even though the mechanical glitch had been fixed and the plane certified to fly, because he was not comfortable taking off in the craft in a repaired condition. British airways put us all up in a hotel for the night till the new craft came in. That was a good pilot of course, and I am sure a great man too. He exhibited a simple, yet all-important, value called responsibility. Training and experience may make a good pilot out of an irresponsible person , but when that irresponsibility does show up, it does so, sadly, with deadly effect.

It strikes us viscerally when people lose lives because of simple character flaws of another, but we do see – and often ignore – this phenomenon in all walks of life. Professional ability rarely overcomes character. We know of doctors who do not care, we know of accountants who play the books, we know of Presidents who never had the brains or the heart to lead. Sometimes the world gets lucky, and these inadequate people finish their tenures and move on. However, when a crisis does strike, everyone involved suffers.

Whatever you are, a hot dog cart puller, or an ambassador, it is the ‘who’ you are that matters.
A woman who can override personal issues to help a friend will be the same woman who can be a great first responder, or a successful CEO. Silly girls will always be silly, whether they are rich housewives, working to support themselves, or studying to better themselves. We cannot change who we are by adding course work, or even a degree to our portfolio. We change when we experience, and learnimbibe life’s lessons.For better or for worse, sometimes life does not bother to test, and thereby teach, some of us.

It is said that ‘when the going gets tough, the tough get going’. Unfortunately when the required strength is not available, the going just goes tragic. India is what it is today because when the going was really tough, we had Gandhi to guide us (oh yes, it takes great moral strength to be non-violent!). However, at the other end of the spectrum we have many countries wallowing in chaos and oppression because the people who lead them are not leaders in any other way but in their position.

So, do we wait for good fortune to throw our way the right doctor, teacher or taxi driver?
What we really need to do is take into account a person’s emotional intelligence along with those degrees and certificates. A lot of major corporations in India used to give candidates aptitude tests. Maybe that was really a good idea. For high-stress jobs a talk with a psychologist would be a good idea.

I would definitely be comfortable with an airline that checks a pilot’s mental health along with the required physical! Of course my favorite spiel – let your children do what they want to! What draws them is their natural calling. An occupation they find fulfilling will be one that is a good fit to their personality. Do the world a favour and let them follow their hearts!!

Published earlier in www.theviewspaper.net