Each in its place

I love wild life, as many of us do. I love wildflowers and weeds. I love the ferns that grow on palms without a care. I love the moss that coaxes life out of rocks, and all that grows between our stone pavers.

But just as the moss between pavers needs to cleared out, wild creatures need to stay out of my house.

I don’t bother the lizards out in the garden, even though they make me unable to walk on the grass once I spot them. I expect the same courtesy from them to stay off my habitation!

Yes, last night, yet another lizard was watching TV with us. It was small enough for us not to have a stroke and ask our kind neighbours to help out. But I did kill it. With enough Raid to kill us too if we had stayed in the same room.

The gorgeous cardinals wake me up every morning. It is the highlight of my morning. At least one of the family says 'Hi' to me, and flies away as soon as I see it from my window (No, they are not afraid of us. The cardinal family has sat by on the hibiscus while we swim close by). Eddie (a grey stork-like bird) walks on the fence and seems to greet us when we walk out; the Sandhill cranes (named by Rasha: Albert, Alberta, and their Albertinis) have been visiting us since the first day we were here. One had scared me into the house because he kept coming closer trying to share my tea!

I love seeing the shy alligators in our lake, identifiable by their singular grunts and swim paths. Ally (our ‘wild pet') has been ‘talking’ to Rasha since he was a baby, and has saved us from a bobcat once. True story.

We have seen coyotes, a baby bobcat, a raccoon, and armadillos sauntering around in our backyard. It is quite lovely – as long as they are OUTSIDE.

A snake in the outdoor kitchen, and under our TV cabinet, lizards … too many times to count – not acceptable. The same cute armadillo in my living room?? I would be in terrified panic.

Rasha had created a story when she was toddler (she sometimes responded with a story of her own when I told her one). Something about the sun and clouds and how they each had their place and that is why we should not use flash cameras on animas in zoos. Yes, truth from the mouth of babes. That story has stayed withe me (Side note: we never used cameras at the zoo again).

So as I sit here, feeling genuinely, deeply, unequivocally grateful for the sun on the sparkling lake, do I also feel a pang of guilt for the murdered lizard?

No. I have the right to stand my ground in my home. No lizards allowed.

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Just Be Nice

Someone once said I was nice, and I got a pleasant shock. Yes, I try, but trying is not the same as being genuinely nice. Everyone tries to do right and be correct, but I know a few wonderful friends who are spontaneously, unapologetically, uncompromisingly, and unconsciously nice. Coming over to allay a neighbour's illogical fears, texting a check-in after a weird post, a heartwarming spontaneous exclamation — we all can recognise an authentic nice soul.

 I wonder how you would define a nice person.

Niceness is a requirement for civilisation to progress. Not money, not technology, not vision. Just a few good, caring hearts in the right place. We see a microcosm of a great society where I live. Having nice people around just makes everything feel like home. It's as simple as having them in your life, and physically close by. We do not need constant texting or sharing of memes. You know they are there. That is what the strength of a tribe was, and it still is. 

I know there are some really mean, artificial people. I would not give them any space in my life or mind, but, obviously, they seem nice enough for their families and their friends. Almost everyone is nice to people they care about. Going above and beyond is normal to show affection to those we love. And it is easy to be considerate to those we like. But is it niceness if your best version is specific to certain people only?

I think you can be an evolved (nice) human only if you can extend courtesy and generosity to people beyond your circle. Donating to a charity not of your choice because they need funds, attending an occasion celebrating something you don't approve of, stretching the budget to accommodate another's needs: this is quiet work that builds the bedrock of a thriving individual, and, by extension, a thriving society. If those tribes of earlier times had extended their supportive niceness to other tribes, there would be no wars.

The other aspect of niceness is action. Just thinking about how things can be corrected is not being nice.  Niceness requires the ability and strength to go out of your comfort zone to do something. There are times I feel like running out into the street and screaming against an injustice (sometimes as simple as after watching a movie like The Pursuit of Happiness), but I don't do that. I can't imagine myself screaming, for one. ;)

To actually stand up, loudly, for what you feel, to give voice to the unheard, to support those broken down, to be there for someone who has no one: that is quintessential niceness. Just shedding a few tears, even if  your heart is really breaking, does not make you nice.

On a bigger scale, I think being nice becomes subjective and very, very important. Imagine if our billionaires were really nice. Not by measure of the maybe 0.01 percent charitable donations they make, but actually effectively nice. Maybe they could heal Sudan or clean our oceans instead of sending cars into space and taking rides to the moon. 

The simplest definition of nice is doing something helpful for someone you do not necessarily like. Giving a ride to an acquaintance in need, tolerating company you don't really want. That is why I believe niceness also comes from a place of power. It is not being nice if you have to interact with certain people because of societal pressures. It is not niceness if you get your boss the coffee because it is expected. It is not being nice when you pay your taxes — that is following the law.  These acts are all proper and correct, but it is not being nice. These deeds are important for social fabric, and maybe even kind. But it is not organic, it is not because of the altruism of your soul. 

Even if you can't say you are a nice person because you only do nice things occasionally and intentionally, the acts in themselves matter. Whether it is from a place of genuine instinctive concern or from superficial external pressure, whether it is an unbidden act of graciousness or something designed, the resultant butterfly effect is undeniable.

So, are you a nice person? Or are you just consciously 'nice'? Either way, it is really nice what you do :D. Seriously. 

Counting blessings

With the festival of Eid-al-Adha this weekend, and the day of Hajj the day before, prayer has been on our minds. I, on the other hand, don’t care.

I was wondering how merciful God really is. I mean, shouldn’t I have been born and lived on an island in Greece or Italy if he was really kind? And then shouldn’t everyone been born where they belonged, born free, born into the situations they wanted?

Why does the Creator not do that? Why create if not to bring joy? 

Then I begin to count my blessings- literally. So all problems, all loss, all angst, all failures, all broken dreams - all are wiped off by the miraculous blessing of having my daughter. 

So I have to shut up complaining. Somewhat. 

Because if he can do that- create and give me Rasha- why not all the much-smaller blessings I crave? 

Religion is largely dependent on our birth. Parents and place determine it almost always. There are few who look for answers and solace beyond what they were taught, and choose a path that works for them. Just like choosing a country to belong to, claiming your attitude to living (for, what is religion but the way you deal with life and death?) is much stronger and more profound.

Either way, it is very personal. Most of us do not realise how individualistic religious belief is. No two people have the same relationship with God. Even if it is the same group of principles, every person practices the tenets in a distinct way. The intensity of faith, commitment to belief, emphasis of a particular part or ritual, or a favourite prayer: it marks that uniqueness like a fingerprint.

For me, the holy month of Ramadan is important because of the social aspects - the special foods, the get togethers, the sharing, the giving, the forgiving. My version of God does not limit answering prayers in a particular month. He answers when asked. (not most of mine of course - but that is another topic, another major grouse)

I will not go into oppression, war, hunger, and psychopathy. That is failure of Man, not of any divine deity. It is we, as humanity, who have been unable to share, care, and correct.  Banding ourselves into illogical groups on skin colour, spoken language, personal belief, passport. What will it be next- style of laughter? Will we be politicising tone of voice, or bone density? 

Anyway, as I begin in my effort be thankful and to drag out some Divine mercy for me, I shall budget and plan a trip to soak myself in Aegean waters. And I am, in an invictus-kind-of-way, grateful that I can. 

healing

Whoever said time heals wounds was an idiot. Grief, loss, anger- rear their head when you least expect it. A dream, a thought, a smell rips open the scab.

There is never healing. The pain remains, and it takes that one touch - of even joy - to bring it up. Time just teaches you to accept it. Because there is literally nothing to do about it.

And let’s face it- God does not help.

What we can do is hang on to the blessings he has thrown our way (which are many, and I am thankful for those).

Relish the miracle of being with those we love, and recognize the good fortune to be able to do things that bring meaning and value to our lives.

Being taxed by taxes

Tax time!! And I am anxious and irritated as always.

What were taxes meant for? So that we contribute to help the community, build infrastructure, and strengthen our country. And maybe have something to lean on when we need to.

I have no problem paying my share. But it irritates me to shell out hard-earned money knowing it is benefiting people who need no relief whatsoever.It makes it easier when you see taxes at work—not to give a break to the super-rich but to help those who need a hand.

So here goes: I am happy to pay taxes in India. I know people who have benefited from government programs. A widow who gets a pension just because she needs it. Her husband never had a proper job, and she never worked. They never paid into any 'social security'. The security in this 'third-world' country is so much better than in my adopted country.

The useless enforced 'social security' that my husband paid into all his life, he could never use. And I cannot claim it till I have lived long enough for the stupid arbitrarily decided age. Here in India, we have free hospitals and free schools (quality of education is a different topic) for those who have no other resources. Twelve kilos of rice are given per individual for a token amount of Rs 12 for families who live below poverty level (which is very low). In my state, buses are free for women. All women, going anywhere, anytime.

This is being responsible. This is what governments are for. Yes, there will be corruption, there will be unacceptable political deals; but in general, our government must work for all people, and especially for those who cannot be heard. If this is the much-maligned socialism, I am all for it.

So as I pay my dues to the two countries I love, there is only one I willingly accept being taxed by. 

Existing, surviving or living?

Another year has ended. It is fascinating how every end really is just another beginning. A day ends as night begins, a flower dies to bring forth fruit. 2024 finishes only to lead to 2025.

One could argue, in that line of thinking, that nothing actually ends. It just changes into a new form. The sad part is that some things actually do not change at all; greed, strife, stress, oppression, hunger - all remain in the world. But so does love, compassion, friendships, and rainbows.

The imporatant question is how we have lived  the past year. Have we existed, survived, or lived?

When we have simply done our routine chores, however perfectly, we have only existed. Gotten out of bed on time, done our daily duties at home or at work, ended the day as planned. Even if we were at peace, we have simply been existing. But that linear existence is still better than surviving.

Some of us have gone through the year from one challenge to the next, sometimes accomplishing the impossble, sometime succumbing to life's trials. Persisting through losses and wins, we have simply been surviving.

Most of us have gone through the days of 2024 between these states - existing or surviving. We have all (mostly) had the relative calm of existing day-to-day, broken by the highs of success, and the lows of surviving exacting circumstances.

How many of us can claim to have been living 2024? We have only lived when we have made the choice and the effort to do what brings value to our lives. Sometimes there is a cost of time, money, or strength. But whatever the cost, the reward is immense. 

Did we live in 2024? Did we meet friends, help a stranger, renew relationships? Did we take time to be nice to ourselves, indulge, and expend for our own joy? When it comes to living, it is always through a conscious effort. It is not the unthinking dropping of a tip, it is a measured output from your budget to help someone with a hands-up. It is not a regular coffee with a regular friend, it is that making time for a friend who needs the company. It is not sending a well-meaning 'happy birthday' text, it is the effort to go  meet and celebrate when you can.

 We will relish many days of existing in 2025, we will be surviving many days in 2025, hopefully with success. But we must, if we are to live at all, learn living each day, in whatever way we can.

Miss Universe

The Miss Universe pageant this year was … well, like every year past. Most of the girls were beautiful, all of them were perfectly put together. 

The gorgeous winner from Denmark represented exactly what the whole show is about- shallow pageantry. Which is fine. I enjoy the glitter and glamour. I like to see how a good dress, fabulously done make-up and good lighting makes for eye-candy. What infuriates me is the way they try to portray the show to be something meaningful. 

Blessedly we do not hear how ‘world peace’ will be accomplished by the contestants anymore. This year we heard Miss Universe tell us how we should never give up and change ourselves., and it will make it all better.

How entitled can one be?? How clueless to suffering around the world?? She must to have had a great life to be fortunate enough to make that facile declaration so joyously. 

Poverty, famine, war, oppression- yeah, let’s not give up. Just be strong and you will find clean water and food. And the cure for cancer while we are at it. Let’s change ourselves so that terrorists don’t drop bombs on us.

I was happy to see the gorgeous finalists in those Facebook reels. Each of the five could have carried the crown. I was impressed. Until I unmuted the reel and heard Miss Denmark.,

She is beautiful. But that is it- she is a beauty queen. Don’t tell us that she knows or can do anything more than that.