Existing, surviving or living?

Another year has ended. It is fascinating how every end really is just another beginning. A day ends as night begins, a flower dies to bring forth fruit. 2024 finishes only to lead to 2025.

One could argue, in that line of thinking, that nothing actually ends. It just changes into a new form. The sad part is that some things actually do not change at all; greed, strife, stress, oppression, hunger - all remain in the world. But so does love, compassion, friendships, and rainbows.

The imporatant question is how we have lived  the past year. Have we existed, survived, or lived?

When we have simply done our routine chores, however perfectly, we have only existed. Gotten out of bed on time, done our daily duties at home or at work, ended the day as planned. Even if we were at peace, we have simply been existing. But that linear existence is still better than surviving.

Some of us have gone through the year from one challenge to the next, sometimes accomplishing the impossble, sometime succumbing to life's trials. Persisting through losses and wins, we have simply been surviving.

Most of us have gone through the days of 2024 between these states - existing or surviving. We have all (mostly) had the relative calm of existing day-to-day, broken by the highs of success, and the lows of surviving exacting circumstances.

How many of us can claim to have been living 2024? We have only lived when we have made the choice and the effort to do what brings value to our lives. Sometimes there is a cost of time, money, or strength. But whatever the cost, the reward is immense. 

Did we live in 2024? Did we meet friends, help a stranger, renew relationships? Did we take time to be nice to ourselves, indulge, and expend for our own joy? When it comes to living, it is always through a conscious effort. It is not the unthinking dropping of a tip, it is a measured output from your budget to help someone with a hands-up. It is not a regular coffee with a regular friend, it is that making time for a friend who needs the company. It is not sending a well-meaning 'happy birthday' text, it is the effort to go  meet and celebrate when you can.

 We will relish many days of existing in 2025, we will be surviving many days in 2025, hopefully with success. But we must, if we are to live at all, learn living each day, in whatever way we can.

Miss Universe

The Miss Universe pageant this year was … well, like every year past. Most of the girls were beautiful, all of them were perfectly put together. 

The gorgeous winner from Denmark represented exactly what the whole show is about- shallow pageantry. Which is fine. I enjoy the glitter and glamour. I like to see how a good dress, fabulously done make-up and good lighting makes for eye-candy. What infuriates me is the way they try to portray the show to be something meaningful. 

Blessedly we do not hear how ‘world peace’ will be accomplished by the contestants anymore. This year we heard Miss Universe tell us how we should never give up and change ourselves., and it will make it all better.

How entitled can one be?? How clueless to suffering around the world?? She must to have had a great life to be fortunate enough to make that facile declaration so joyously. 

Poverty, famine, war, oppression- yeah, let’s not give up. Just be strong and you will find clean water and food. And the cure for cancer while we are at it. Let’s change ourselves so that terrorists don’t drop bombs on us.

I was happy to see the gorgeous finalists in those Facebook reels. Each of the five could have carried the crown. I was impressed. Until I unmuted the reel and heard Miss Denmark.,

She is beautiful. But that is it- she is a beauty queen. Don’t tell us that she knows or can do anything more than that. 

Sleepless night rambling on faith

 It’s 3:40 AM. I had a long nap in the day so I am up staring at the ceiling tonight. Had a snack, a calming tea, played futilely at a jigsaw. It is also a good time to pray. But I don’t.

Your belief system is what makes you YOU. Because faith, whatever the religion, is as unique as the individual. It can range from a general quiet thankfulness for being alive, to an intense fixation on the dos and donts of the doctrine.

Faith, I think, is of three types:

1. Faith of love. When you believe that God created everything in love, does only good for you, and listens to your calls.

2. Faith of despair. When you need that Power desperately. You call.on God for help constantly, and you hope (and still believe) that there will be a tangible improvement in your situation.

3. Faith of loss. When you stop your praying and pleading. But you still go through the basic motions of your faith to try and avoid hell. And this is where I am. Those of you who cannot relate - you are more blessed than you know.

What you have today

How does one combat depression? I am not talking of mental illness that requires clinical, professional help. I am talking of those feelings of of helpless frustration and sorrowful ennui and hopelesnness that plague all of us - sometimes for a day, sometimes for years like a low-grade fever. It is the result not of chemical imbalance or major psychological issues, but simply the result of life's blows on your soul.

The general happy solutions do help: time spent with close friends, an outing with new acquaintances, soemthing that forces unbidden laughter, a good cup of coffee, forest bathing, or working on a hobby.

What is important is you rediscover yourself - either from your younger days ( or should I say older days?), or from yesterday when you smiled more easily. A quote by Marcus Aurelius hit me the other day: "Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now take what's left and live it properly." It is not just an exhortation to live life fully in the present; it tells us that the boons and banes of the past are now disconnected from your life, and it is only what you do today (with today's joys and pains) that matters.

I never cared for the night sky till my daughter forced me to point out and explain stars to her. I always thought it was the domain of 'smart and lucky' astronomers. But the shine in her eyes that the first time, and the joy she derives from looking up at the stars even today, has made the night sky a priceless part of living. You could look up and lament that you are not 'up there', as I used to before, or be here and relish what is given. The stars are there for everyone. You just have to recalibrate how you look at it.

Fate is what comes to you, and living requires you accept and live with it. Not 'deal with it' or fight it or fix it. Just live it. If you keep looking at life through a prism of what it brings, of what we become, of what we have, and what we need, it is bound to disappoint. And then those feelings - of life giving you only punches - come up to suffocate you. Life gives you both roses and thorns; but you get what you look at most. Joy is not around the corner after you pay off something, or after you buy a house, or when you get that job. Joy is here, you need to switch it on within you. It certainly is not as easy as it sounds. But it is the only way to be happy: now, here, for, and with yourself.

Social media is for social connections

I am quite sick of people vilifying social media.

It is a platform for you to use as you deem fit. Maybe it shows you what you don't want to accept in yourself. Jealousy? Over-competitiveness? It is not Facebook's fault. It is yours. 

Love seeing baby elephants frolicking in a tub of water? You would feel the same way whether it was online or right in front of you.

The connection and accessibility social media provides is a blessing. Period. I find it amazing that I can share good moments (and tips) with people I care about. Good food, roses, new plans. And, also reach out for help with lizards in the house!

Obviously, everybody's life is so much more than what their timeline shows. What a person puts up on their social platform is a minuscule vignette of their journey that they want to share with friends. Being a friend on Facebook is as much a privilege as being one in real life.

I delight in the joy of seeing my neighbor from across the lake wave at me when we are both reveling in the miracle of a full rainbow, but the same joy fills my heart when I share photos of the same rainbow with friends I connect with only online. If there are those in my 'Friends' list who are not happy seeing me enjoy whatever it is I am sharing, or not commiserating with what I am complaining about, then those are names I need to delete not only from my list, but also from my life. 

The internet is a priceless tool for.... well, just about everything. I can tweet to get the attention of the courier service that's not responding to calls, or I can tweet to eviscerate someone unnecessarily. The internet and social media have made finding things much easier - the good and the bad.  Find the story behind a Bernini sculpture, or find pornography. 

You can connect with wonderful people, but you can also come across the criminal and the insane. I do feel though, that it is so much safer when it is just online. The real danger is not the internet, it is actual contact with someone with malicious intent. 

The internet has not made the world dangerous. it has just brought its dangers into the light and the imperative need to address them. Social media does not make people unhappy, it drives the need to define our own happiness. It does not alienate. It can be invaluable means to fight the loneliness modern lifestyle brings about. The onus is on us to recognize and utilize our unique place in it. 

Humanity and society can grow and progress in wonderful new ways if we can all use social media for what it was made for - being social. 

Relationships

 Relationships are lovely, strange, and unique. They define our humanity, they are the glue that cements our civilization. Whether it is a friend, a colleague, a sibling, or a spouse, the relationship is only as supportive, or as restrictive, as you allow it to be.

Let's get this straight: being needed is not the same as being loved. It may be enough for you and maybe even what you want, but do not confuse compromise for contentment.

I have seen so much confusion and misconception among some of my friends that I needed to put my views forth.

Any alliance, is at its core, a deal. If you do something that your partner likes, there has to be something he/she does for you. This is the basis of all human bonds. It is more than a tit-for-tat. It is an unspoken, unbreakable, unambiguous, unchanging rule. That is why we invented 'thank you'. A person who respects that connection - fleeting or long-term - responds with at least a verbal acknowledgement of the favor or kindness shown.

The stronger the relationship, the stronger the need for this give-and-take. A thank you is inadequate when you are close - through regular interactions, blood or soul. That kind of relationship requires a display of caring and love continually. It comes unbidden and with ease when there is love. The smallest demonstration of love is letting be who you are, and giving you the space to do what you want to. Sometimes, it might be something only you like. You should not feel that you have to cook for your family, it should be because you want to. You should not travel with someone because you feel like you have no choice. Whether it is with a friend, a spouse, or a child, you should be choosing the when and the where together.

If a friend is around only to party with you, and never to cheer you up, that is not a relationship you should nurture. Just because your partner keeps you around to do the chores that need to be done, it is not caring. If he decides on loud TV when you want to sleep, he is not your best friend; in fact, he is no friend at all. If you are the only company he has, make sure it is his choice, not his need. And that the relationship is your choice, not your desperation. 

Friends who make me, me

This morning I got up feeling a little un-human. That is the only way I can describe it - no motivation though not depression, no joy though not sadness, no hopefulness though not hopelessness. And mostly, and most importantly for me - no connectedness, no empathy. It must be horrible to be an uncaring person if this is what it feels like. 

The sun still shines on the rippling water, the dragonflies flit about the overgrown grass - and I looked on without being stirred. It was deeper than just needing my morning cup of tea. I felt stagnant though not stuck.

I am so blessed to have amazing, extraordinary, smart, caring people I call my friends wherever I have been. Friends who have been there for me through good times and bad, in need and in fun. Friends who have defined where home is.

Today, I am especially missing my friends in New Jersey, and their warmth and wisdom. That is the thing with friends of your soul: one does not need to have long conversations. A salaam was always enough. Being wrapped in their deep faith and genuine kindness was solace enough. 

Every day I got back from Nooruliman School, I felt I was a slightly improved verison of myself. And that is what I am lacking today - improvement and growth.

It got me thinking of how everything is always right for you. Mostly, at least. As long there is full freedom, a good amount of health, and the required amount of wealth, it is all perfect for you. I hated everything about New Jersey - the weather, the driving, the jug handles, the smells, the dull look of the sky, the culture and attitude. But that is where I worked with some of the best women I will ever know. Friends who bring a smile whenever I think of them, and who helped me this morning through a dead awakening even though they are not around. 

 It is one of life's most enduring truths: it is the people in your life that define your living, both present and future. It is the family, friends, and even those that simply exist by your side, that make your life.