Strong Ideals

I wrote for the Viewspaper recently about youth and its idealism. The strength of an upcoming generation lies only in its idealism. It is that which drives its energy, it is that that gives it its identity.

But this very characteristic that seems to be the evolutionary material for society, the stuff that ensures progressive betterment of the world, is lost somewhere along the years. As youth matures the idealism is not concretized to action, but turns into a jaded dream.

So how is the world going to move on? What we need is the strength of character in youth to push their ideals through to their 'age of reason'.

I believe all of us are born with stars in our eyes. It is the adults around us, sadly, that make us look only at the ground on which we need to trudge. Of course I am not taking into consideration the inexcusable and unfortunate conditions a large part of the world is in. Those born in strife-ridden, war-torn areas, and in debilitating poverty. Sadly, all their emotional and physical resources are tied up in simply surviving. It is a resounding indictment of us all that such dire predicaments exist at all - but that is for another blog. :)

But for those of us who live in relative comfort, it is even more imperative that we recognize our responsibility not to flitter away our lives, when we are blessed enough to have the chance to dream. And I do not mean the aim of getting into that fancy school, or to be in a position to earn a five-figure salary. That is not what I would classify as a dream. How is that any different from wanting an expensive purse or getting a nose-job? It has nothing to do with your emotional intelligence! Sure, go ahead and be that CEO, but do it because that is what you feel like doing, not thinking of being. Do it because you want to make a difference like Iaccoca or Ford, not to make a mansion like Ambani. Because if position and power are your driving force, it is just a step away from swindling people - like the Enron executives, and like doctors who 'operate' simply because they do not know what else to do! If that happens to be the dream, then one is simply a waste of oxygen for this planet.

So for that rare young person who is out there somewhere wanting to do something to make difference not only in his own life, bit in at least one another. How would you hold on to that idealism? For it is imperative that you do.

One way of course is perseverance. I have never believed in 'try until you succeed'. It is rotten nonsense and a waste of time. Give something a shot twice at the most. Then move on. What perseverance should be is akin to preserving. You have to continue to believe in those principles. And that you can - as you certainly can - move the world. Anywhere, anytime, anyhow, just by being who you are. Just by living that dream in any small way everyday. You may not be able to open that orphanage, but you could talk nicely to a kid you see on the roads. You may not be able to send chartered planes of food to Africa, but you could volunteer in soup-kitchens. It is exactly the same, because it will give exactly that same sense of purpose, and more importantly a sense of triumph. A life of meaning does not have to be big. Idealism does not have to be flashy or glamorous. It does not crave to be acknowledged. It need only be honoured and fostered by the person holding those ideals.

The kids working for Teach for America/ Teach for India do not do it for recognition. It asks too much of commitment for people to do it just for 'look good' college application. It is tough, emotionally taxing, monetarily unrewarding. But I have yet to see a more grounded, happy, optimistic bunch of kids. That to me defines youth. What keeps them that way is idealism that has not been smothered.

When Gandhi took on the British raj, he did what he believed needed to be done. He did not do it for the cameras. He did not even ask anyone to do what he was doing. People followed him because right is always recognized. One has to just have the will to keep putting it out there.

My message to young idealists - go ahead, live those ideals everyday. Once they become a natural part of your personal grammar, you will also develop the strength of character to see your dreams through.

Belonging

One may be at one place for years, then decide to move on without even pang of loss. So how did something that did not even warrant a fond reminiscence hold one for so long?

There are many things that make a person bond with an external entity- be it a place, organization or another person. We find ourselves feeling a kinship because of a common culture or background. We associate easily with people who are on the same wavelength of thought and growth, who are intellectually compatible.

But the strongest bond anyone can feel is an indefinable feeling which I will call a 'sense of belonging'. No other kind of linkage or association has the same compelling strength. Not love , not money, not convenience. We automatically identify with things that we believe we belong to. Whether it is parks, memories, people, books or institutions - they become an integral part of our selves. Nothing else can measure up to the strength of this bond, because it connects with our intrinsic nature. The only thing that splits that firm connection is the loss of that indefinable feeling of belonging. One may work at a company for the money and the perks, but then all one needs to leave is a better opportunity, or even sometimes just a change of scene. And then there are those who work far below potential because one finds somewhere/someone there that is more aligned to their moral compass. It may be the people they see everyday, or it may be what the work ethic of the organization, or it may be the elemental business of the organization. What makes us commit is that we see there what we have in ourselves too.

I think a sense of belonging is also crucial in determining the quality of human relationships. A marriage works only when belonging applies both ways. This belonging is defined by feeling belonged not that one feels the other belongs to them. And that is the crux of the power of belonging. If you want your spouse to feel a sense of belonging in the relationship you have to give of yourself. That 'compromise' everyone talks about? That is basically empowering your partner to be herself or himself, to be able to bring to the relationship something meaningful to him/her. The 'compromise' is actually the acceptance in your own life of something that may not be an integral part of your internal compass. We all know that the more core values shared in a relationship, the smoother it makes life for those involved. I believe it is because that engenders a feeling of belonging more easily. It is a connection between core psyches.

And that is the connection a successful organization makes the employees feel . When one can decorate a cubicle, it is a small value, but when your principles match (as in a common charity), it is a considerable one. Belonging would exhibit in one feeling that one is an extension of what one belongs to, or that that is an extension of you. When you start using 'we' instead of 'them' , you belong.

I think the strongest display of the sense of belonging is our dwelling. One can feel belonging at home more intensely if there are things in there that reflect one's likes and values. We put into our homes things that make us comfortable, things that say what we want them to portray. It is what envelops us with calmness and contentment we need in our place of repose. And that is precisely why we can come from the most gorgeous resorts back to our houses and still say "Home Sweet Home". It is misconstrued that home is important to us because it belongs to us. It is important because we belong there.

Rasha' s essay

Civility is kindness, compassion, decorum, and propriety of action and expression. It is the best of virtues in all its forms. Aristotle once said “It is not enough to know about virtue but we must try to have and use it”, and so it is with all facets of civility. Everyone knows what is right, but not everyone practices it. Just as it is enough for good to do nothing to allow evil to win, all it takes to be rude is to not be polite. I believe that we are defined not by our background, education or occupation but by our behavior. Human society is based on interactions – social or otherwise – and civility must be the basis of all such interplay. I try to maintain this civility in all aspects of my deportment, from my tone of voice to my responses to strange queries. It is one of the most important principles of my moral compass.
Our society today is disturbingly rude. It is a sad comment on ourselves that we see so many unsmiling faces, even those familiar to us. Aggression is looked upon as strength, and politeness is considered akin to weakness. However, the real weakness is an appalling ignorance of the power of civility. Politeness does not mean that we should not hold a view; it only means that that view should be expounded without giving another person reason to be offended. What courtesy adds to the argument is that little magic that makes certain the opinion will be taken in the best way possible, because it is delivered in the best way possible.
Rutgers is a large family. It is like having a last name one can connect with. I feel this bond wherever I go – while at campus lunching with other rushed students, or at the airport chatting with the immigration officer who recognized my Rutgers sweatshirt, or feeling a connection when I see the red “R”s on cars I share the highway with. If we cannot be civil within this family, then there is something greatly lacking in our education. Once we have also learned to “practice respect, restraint, concern, and benevolence”, as P.M. Forni says in his book Choosing Civility, then we have inculcated proper behavior for the rest of our lives. And that is the most important thing we can carry to the rest of the world (Forni, P20).
But to be able to carry it to the rest of the world, we need to have imbibed it within ourselves. Like everything that is genuine, civility begins from one’s soul. Our actions have to be predicated on thoughtfulness. Civility has to have deep meaning for ourselves to have any significance at all for someone else. Even regular etiquette is derived from intent to please. Proper placement of forks on the table becomes a facile facade if it is not to make its usage easier. Decor becomes ostentatious if it is more for exhibition than for pleasure. Similarly, our behavior has to have bearing to our own conscience, for only then will it have any meaning to the outside world.
Civility ensures that our social environment is pleasant. At its very basic, civility is being considerate and unselfish. It is the proper decorum of greeting people we accost. It is saying thank you, please or excuse me. It is holding the door for the person following us into the mall. It is a show of genuine gratitude for favors asked and unasked, or a concern for acquaintances close and distant. The rules of civility require that we show our companions respect, whether they are present or absent, and consideration for those around us. Civility also demands that we accept another’s style of living. The maturity and magnanimity needed to recognize that this is a shared world is an integral part of being civil. For not only must we understand that there are myriad kinds of people living their different kinds of lives, we also need to respect those very differences.
At its most developed, civility is tolerance, understanding, and altruism. It takes a highly developed emotional intelligence to be able to put what one must do over what one wants to do. I really might not feel like smiling and saying hello to my classmates today, but etiquette demands that I acknowledge people I am acquainted with. I think the ultimate civility is being civil when others are not. There will always be times when we have to exhibit the right behavior with someone who does not even acknowledge a kindness.
So why should we be civil at all? In Choosing Civility, P.M. Forni puts it succinctly: “Good relationships make our life good, bad relationships make our life bad… To learn how to be happy we must learn how to live well with others and civility is the key to that… A training in civility is part of our basic training as social beings,” Forni tells us (Forni, P6). “First manners, then love” (Forni, P20).
There is no situation which civility does not improve. It may only be an option, but it is imperative that we take this option if we need to make any impact at all. When Alexander the Great defeated the Indian king Porus, he asked him how Porus would like to be treated. Hands in chains, Porus raised his head and said “As Kings would treat Kings”. Alexander, in a gesture of ultimate royal civility, released him and returned his lands to him. Today there is no sign of Macedonian control in India but Alexander’s Hindi name, “Sikander”, is a synonym for conqueror, or victor. His conduct earned a place for him in history and Indian culture that no statue or palace could have ensured. What better way is there to conquer a people than to rule their hearts for all time to come?
True civility is continual and independent of responses. It is something one does for oneself – because it says more about the person being civil than the recipient of the politeness. It is not genuine civility if our behavior changes with who it is directed towards, or because of a lack of polite reciprocation, or on our own moods. Civility is most effective when it is an inalienable part of our identity. Whether dealing with a stranger or close friends, the rules of civility have to be displayed always. Saying “thank you” to a superior and not bothering to thank subordinates is detrimental to our own sense of self-worth. Being more polite to someone who is better-dressed is, simply, egregiously bad behavior.
So how does one teach civility? I believe civility is taught, and learned, unconsciously. It is one of the very few things that are taught only by example. We have been told again and again to open doors for others, especially the elderly, and to give way to others, but it does not happen often enough. There are signs on Rutgers buses reminding us to give up our seats for those who need them more, but no one actually does it. However, it takes only one person’s courtesy to affect us, and make us want to show the same solicitude to others. When a girl got up to give her seat to a boy on crutches on my bus, there were others who made the same move a few minutes later. One kind act sets off a series of goodwill gestures. And even if it does not go that far, it certainly would have touched that one person who received the gesture. Civility, after all, arises from an inherent concern for others. And it is the manifestation of this concern that is imperative for all successful communities. It is the most polite, non-interfering way of saying “I care”.
A simple, civil act has the amazing effect of assuaging hurt and sweetening interactions. How many times has our anger been mellowed when the person who cut into our lane waves a thank you or sorry signal? When I say thank you to the cashier at the store, I am sure the cashier feels better about serving me than he or she would have felt if I had not taken a few breaths to be polite. Even I feel better about it. And therein lies the magic of civility: it makes a difference to the person being civil too. The practice of civility polishes one’s own deportment; it pleases others, and it pleases us. Drafting a course of life that is civil makes us a better person, helping us develop with every display of thoughtfulness. And there is no better way to improve the world than to change ourselves first.
After all, what defines our progress as a civilization is not our technology or the fancy dwellings we have built for ourselves. It was, and always will be, how we behave towards each other.
 

Live your values

I signed in today to see if I should just close down my blog. It's been one of those weeks where everything seems pointless. As far as I can tell, I have done no major memorable thing. Thankfully nothing bad, but sadly nothing good either. It reinforces a deeply held belief of mine - life is meaningful only when you do something for others. But this week's rut of work, work and work (at home and school) has not given me time for anything else. One thing is certain - this is no way to live. But then, busy or not, should not I be able to live my values if I value them enough? Should not our morality compass be strong enough?

It is difficult to carve a life for ourselves according to the dictates of our core values. With increasing demands of simply living, we tend to discard those little, very important things that make life worth living. I believe a successful life is one where we have been able to incorporate our values into everyday living.

We care so much for where we live. We find places which fit into our way of life, or at least a place where we can fit in the existing way of life. I do not mean just the geographical location, but also how we situate our beliefs and values vis-a -vis our environment.

I believe it is easy to hold onto your values when your surroundings match them. It requires no great strength of character to be, say, Islamic in your bearing when you study in an Islamic school, and all your friends adhere to the same belief. And its even easier if you shun all that to not conform to that set. (That is not Islamic, or logical, or natural - and also, that is another topic.) But the ease of living your beliefs does not contribute to its strength, or to the required emotional maturity to hold onto them. My daughter was told by a friend that she is missing the fun of getting drunk. It is a statement of her maturity that the friendship continues undamaged even though she decided not to try the "fun". (I would have been sorely tempted!!) How can we equalize the depth of these values with those of someone who has not faced an opposing, easier and more "fun" way of life?

Real emotional maturity becomes evident only when we live in an environment that is not familiar, and may even be slightly hostile to our set of core values. The depth of our values and the strength of our principles is demonstrated when we hold onto them because we believe in them, even though it may not exactly be convenient or 'cool'.

And when our values become that much a part of ourselves, then we can try and carve a life that will facilitate living those values too.

Women and work

I am trying to figure out why women are generally such an unhappy bunch. I think it is because we have drifted so far away from our natural selves that every day has become a burden. We are unhappy because we never seem to achieve what we need. We do not achieve what we need because we do not seem to know what we want. We do not know what we want because we have our priorities all confused. And we have our priorities confused because we have lost track of the reason we were made: as WOMEN!

The role of women, and men, was designed by our genes. Our gender differences, aptitudes and weaknesses are dictated by our very beings. And whether it is a bane or a boon, the capacity to bring forth the next generation was given solely to women. A power much higher than our limited intelligence put that into effect. God, aliens, or selection by natural evolution if you must : the result was THIS. The primary responsibility of bearing and rearing children was given to the female of the species. It falls in the natural order of things that it is the female who is the homemaker too.

I believe that it is disservice to humanity if we belittle or dismiss a woman's role. It is even more destructive if women themselves denigrate their real purpose in life.

For the life of me, I have never ever understood where the glory lies when riding into the sunset of our lives trying desperately to match a man's career path. A man can never be another man, why then should a woman try to be a man?

I have inveighed against women and careers before - "Woman, be thyself!" But that does not mean I believe we should all be doormats or wallflowers. I am, of course, all for independence. If we look for independence outside ourselves we will only be following a mirage. The only independence that matters, that emancipates and strenghtens, is that of the mind. It is wonderful if you are learning, or earning. There is no substitute for either of them. Financial independence if always empowering. But do it for yourself, not for parents, or husbands, or friends, or fashion. I respect the woman who is out funding herself, or providing the necessary income for her family, just as I respect the man doing the same. The operative word here is necessary. And an extra car, a bigger bigger house or a backyard swimming pool certainly does not qualify as a necessity!

Real emancipation comes from confidence; a recognition of one's own strength, an understanding of one's function. However, the belief that women need to go out and compete with men in exactly the same fields, in exactly the same way, just because it is a male bastion, reeks more of subjugation to me than of liberty. It seems to me that women again are succumbing to pressure from society, which has always leaned more on us. We have always borne the brunt of the confines of societal rules. Women have been required to bring in a dowry that would determine their worth; now it has not changed to assumptions that women should bring in, if not the bread, at least some cake! We are, all over again, being forced into a mould that is not to our benefit. It is a facile proposition that self-actualization is dependent on a career. If the need to 'work' is predicated on a lack of self-esteem, or a desire to 'prove oneself', then even heading a multinational company is never going to be satisfying. We can not be free until we are free to think for ourselves. And adhering to images that others have created for us, and expect from us, is not liberation. I can understand throwing away corsets for a more humane form of undergarment, but then do we have to throw off all our clothes in the process? I value freedom and liberty more than anything else in life. It should apply to all aspects of life, to all strata of society, to all ages and gender of people. Women's liberation is not something as trite as burning bras, or arm-wrestling contests. It is an awakening of womanhood- in all its glory, in its own skin.

A quick, albeit superficial, observation of the world tells me those cultures are quicker to accept women leaders where women still mainatain, by and large, their traditional role. Sri Lanka, India, even Pakistan, have had women leading their countries. In the US, there is still tremendous reservation in the concept of having a woman for President. In a liberated society where women believe they can do exactly what they think they should, there is a startlingly large percentage of abused women. How horribly sad it is that there are, here in the United States of America, more shelters for animals than battered women! So wearing pants or having exactly the same crepuscular roles between men and women ("You want to do dishes or take out the garbage?" "will you pay for utility bills or groceries?") does not ensure contentment - or even respect.

Then there is the rant I hear often - “it is not fair” - everytime we learn that women are paid less, or hired based on looks. Let us face it. We will be judged by what we portray. We display our physical characteristics more, then it is those very characteristics that will be acknowledged first. And women do have other concerns they are respsonsible for. They do take off from work for children, to have babies, to get married. It is a fact. Employers will take that into account. Don’t go by averages and statistics. If individually your work is good, you will get the recognition - and the pay to match. Stop whining! Either accept your uniqueness and revel in it, or complain and make yourself unhappy. It will not change facts. The fact that the job market reflects the inherent, inalienable difference between a man and a woman, and their approach to any task, is a actually very fair.To be treated equally is not always fair. One must acknowledge differences and treat people accordingly.

We know we are special. Do not go about ruining it by making us 'equal'.

Generous Charity

How would you define charity?

In an earlier article, I had pointed out that parting with any excess we may have been blessed with is not generosity, and it is certainly not charity. Purging your closet of extra, unused clothes may be a nice thing to do, it may even be an expression of the desire to help someone in need - but it cannot be classified as philanthropy.

So how do I define charity? Charity requires, by definition, a little bit of self-denial and sacrifice. I can be big-hearted and give a lot of stuff, but real charity does not constitute disposing of something I have enough of (and feeling good about it). Real charity is giving from what is not in reserve to aid someone else. When asked to share their snack with someone who had none for the day, two of my first graders offered half their bag of chips. One child had a lot of other snacks in his bag, one had just juice and the bag he proffered to share. There is a very concrete, definable difference in their otherwise identical kindness. It is defined by what they had to offer to begin with. One may be generous and not charitable, but one can never be charitable without being generous.

So if Melinda Gates decides to hop around the world making sure that poor kids get immunized, she is being generous. And she well can afford to be (and maybe she NEEDS to be)! But it is not real charity. Not according to me. Seriously - big deal! Nice of her, of course, but can we please stop acting as if the world needs to take its collective hat off to her and her trust? The Gates picked something close to their heart. I applaud the fact that they are taking out time and money to help better the world, to help make it safer for others, us, and themselves. Very generous. But charitable??? Hmmm.

I think the essence of charity is looking at what your recipient needs, not what you want to give; to consider what is imperative and pressing (like children chewing on bark in Africa to stave off hunger pangs), rather than what catches your fancy. The Gates think fighting disease is important. It is their priority, but it may not be all-important to kids who take the shots. How about ensuring clean water and environment first? Lawrence O'Donnell raised more than 2 million dollars to buy desks for children in Malawi. Desks! In a country struggling with food shortages, bad government, and rampant AIDS. PLEASE!! Am I the only one who is actually a little annoyed? Everyone else is patting themselves on the back that kids will not have to sit on the floor while learning at school. Do we know if there is enough clean water or food for them at home? Or proper sanitation? Or lunch at school ? Or even if they have enough books or pencils? Is where they sit to learn really that important?

I believe that charity is morally incumbent upon each one of us. Not just generosity, for that is largely dependent on one's nature. The frequency of giving is predicated on things like ability, opportunity and environment. But charity is, for me, something that is required for the purification of one's soul. Once you begin to give because someone else needs it, it ennobles your spirit. When you give of something you cannot spare, it demonstrates how immaterial material things are. It makes you more than the sum total of your possessions. That is a very empowering feeling.

That also means that charity is independent of a person's resources too. How much you have has no correlation to how much you can change someone else's situation, because you will be fulfilling someone's need at that moment. Maybe it is $10, maybe it is a $1000, or maybe it is a snow shovel to borrow. Or giving a push to a stalled car.

I think it is charity when you can smile and wish someone a good day when all you feel like is kicking something or someone(!) real hard. You have to draw on draining emotional reserves to do the right thing. I think that is what the Prophet Muhammad meant when he said 'Smiling is charity.' He was not talking of the mindless grinning to look good, or smiling to look pleasant and make an impression. He was talking of smiling to make the other person feel better.

Oscar Wilde said that no good deed is unselfish. Everything we do is to make ourselves feel better. Are we all so jaded that that is what the definition of good is reduced to? Real charity, I have always believed, is something constant - irrespective of your means, situation, or your life plans. If you are giving $100 to a soup kitchen when you earn 5000K a month, please do not donate a million to UNICEF when you get that 15 million dollar lottery. Make the equal percentage donation to what you know in the heart you always needed to do.

I guess I may be envious of people who have too much money and time to know what to do with themselves - the royalty by accident of birth, the rich by marriage, even the stock market gamblers. So when I accept their generosity at face value as 'charity' - that they are doing this for others and not for themselves, it is I who is being my charitable best!

Just enough

With the new year around the corner, there are lots of wishes and resolutions going around. Happens every year, with everyone , in some way or the other. We pray, we resolve, we decide, and usually we forget. Tennyson ended a poem of his on a line of hope - "and the new sun rose bringing in a new year." But the sun rises every day bringing in a new day - and we ignore that new beginning that is gifted to us.
However, there is something about changing the numbers on the 4-digit part of the date that makes it special. We feel the need to match such a change with a change for the better in our lives. So the 'resolutions'. Of course the new year gets old within a week and the importance of the keeping those resolutions fades away.
Well, it is that time of the year again. I am praying for lots of things that I hope will happen in 2011. Probably the same things I had hoped for in December 2009. I do believe, though, that they will have to do with money somehow. My prayers usually do. But since my prayers are going to be about the same, there definitely was no 'Aha' Prize Patrol moment this passing year. At the same time, I am happy enough, thank God.
And that brings me to what I want to write about today. I did mention the importance of finances for happiness in an earlier article . But I did not impress upon the reader how very important it is. Not having enough money can destroy whatever little joys you might want to gather for yourselves. A vacation with family, a gift for a friend, a drive to the park, a box of chocolates - everything would require expenditure. So granted, financial security is an all-important aspect for happiness.

But how would you define financial security? How would you mark that elusive 'enough'? And therein, I think lies the control of our own lives. We know of enough famous-and-rich people who fight depression with drugs and worse. And of course, more than enough of those struggling to stretch their paychecks to meet the next. A whole lot of wealth is not ideal, and a paucity of funds is certainly not.

I think that what gives us contentment is not the physical accumulation of wealth, it is the knowledge that we have what we need. That we have enough. What is enough is for each of us to decide. We all have a bar of what is ideal for us. We just need to identify it.

Let us not make the mistake of taking a facile decision of saying 'the more the better' because it really is not. It only lends to a dissatisfaction with whatever we have been blessed with, and puts us in a mad race against everyone we think has more than we do.

Each of us can decide to live within our means. And that does not mean we must not try to enlarge our provisions, or try to earn that extra buck. But our requirements must dictate if we need that extra wealth. I know of people who have bought a huge house because they wanted to show that they can afford to! They call a whole bunch of people every weekend to show-off their home, and those are the most tortuosly boring get-togethers I have been at. The fanciest parties that I have been at, where I have learnt and tried new things and met new friends, has been at a beautiful yet unpretentious home. My friend gives million-dollar parties without, I am sure, spending that amount.

I believe that it is very important to have a need for more, to enable the capacity to hope. I do not mean that 'need' to own a 10-bedroom house; rather, the need to save for a fancy vacation, or an expensive car. To need to work towards an indulgence makes it all the more valuable, all the more memorable. It gives us a feeling of fulfillment and success that could not have been engendered with permanent financial comfort.

So, this year I am not praying for the multi-million dollar lottery. I am praying for enough money for all my needs, a little more for stability, some more for celebrating life, and more importantly enough peace to enjoy it all. My resolution? To remember how much is just enough.