For it is in giving that we receive

So here I was, in a lovely hotel enjoying a to-die-for breakfast in a city I did not like much. The buildings reminded me of New York, the people, of New Jersey. The city is a bunch of artificial things and even more artificial faces that seem to be at odd with its natural environs. Yes, I do not like Vancouver, Canada. Yet I was really content. Was good food all that mattered ? :) The answer struck me when I realized the flavor of the coffee was improved by the cup it was served in. It is not where you live, it is how you live that makes life what it is.


Unless of course you are living in New Jersey or New Delhi. One has rude people, the other has dehumanized animals who need to be shot. No amount peace can bring happiness in Jersey because of the mean aggression in everyone; and one, however rich, can never have even an iota of peace in India's capital because it is peopled by brutes.


But in general, the rule stands. Life can be good, or bad, anywhere in the world. It is the people you have around you, and personal accessibility to needed facilities that make your life what it is. Living in the fabulously lovely hills of Montana would be what I call 'peaceful postcard living' but one can enjoy that astoundingly clean country as long as one does not require the hospitals of major research universities that are within reach in the cities on the coasts. You could own a lake, but then if you do not have the time or ability to frolic in it, is it worth it? A house with a large ballroom and no parties to throw?


And by extension if how you live matters, and not where, should not happiness be in how you look at your situation, and not where life has brought you? So that large ballroom could make you happy, even if it is always empty, if you like to simply have it.


I do not believe in the sour-grapes theory that the wealthy are unhappier than those with less (they just seem unreasonably unhappy to those of us who can see how much they have!). Happiness is not predicated on how much of what you have. It is how much you like yourself, and how you deal with things that you do not like. Nasty people, illness, punctured tires, irate boss, whatever. It may be more comfortable to cry in Mercedes than on a bicycle, but the distress is the same. What matters is what made you cry, and how fast you bounce back. And that has no bearing on whether you cried in a Mercedes or on a bicycle.


 A TV show character said 'the purpose of life is to live as long as you can, as well as you can'. I actually changed the channel right away, it was so wrong. I cannot imagine a more purposeless life than one where the sole purpose is self-prolongation. So what, then, is the purpose of life? Of course one must enjoy it, but what exactly will bring you that enjoyment? Relishing a good pastry? Certainly. But it is more the sharing of that pastry with a friend.


I believe one has to realize that life is not meant to be prolonged, for it is defined by the fact that it ends. What one needs to do is make it count! Not by a greedy grabbing of everything. Just possessing, obtaining, 'living it up' never works. Try it for a day... do something you like to excess, and see how you feel by the end. Miserable. On the other hand, try giving a bit, sacrificing for someone, taking time out give someone a hand. If that does not help you feel better, I suggest you lie down and stop breathing because you are a psychopath.


We are mortal, and everything in the universe has a time limit. Simply 'going on' is hollow. But what you do while you go on is what matters. When I look back, the only regrets I have are the times I did not do something to help another. Yes, there are the "oh I should have bought that damn house when it was at such-and-such price" too, but the feeling of 'loss' is not as intense. It is with an implacable pang that I think of the girl who was walking down an empty road in NJ, and I did not offer her a ride because I had zipped past, and did not know how to make a damn U-turn in that stupid place. I still remember the beggar boy dipping dry bread in water. And that I did not cross the road to give him that useless money in my purse because I was feeling awkward with so many people just looking on (Yes, in India, everyone stares). When there is a fifty-fifty chance of feeling stupid or giving some relief to a human being, I will take that chance. It is a lesson learnt hard.


Chocolate cake, a good book, music, diamonds,comfortable shoes... all bring incredible happiness of course, but those joys are ephemeral. A kind act another does for us always stays with us. I have so many memories of strangers helping me out - people whose names I do not even know. Like the man in Hyderabad who stood with us quietly, till my uncle arrived, late in the night when my sister and I were stranded with a broken car. And what my friends have done for me, I cannot even begin to enumerate! All those memories sustain me. Whether we know it or not, it is the collective goodness of the world that we live on. And contributing to that goodness is what I think life is all about. Reaching out to each other to give joy and solace is not silly, or a waste, or even something you do when you 'have time'. It is an essential aspect of living. Not for the receiver but for the giver. That is an elemental truth.

Gunning for the gun

Sometimes I wonder what a person was thinking when they come up with ridiculous ideas. Does not help my sanity, but I do wonder all the same. The guy who made the guillotine and the sadist who designed assault guns. And moronic,immature parents like those who gave their 11-year-old a gun for protection. The kid used it at recess to threaten his classmates.

Everyone has voiced their opinions on gun violence. I have only one- get rid of the damn things altogether. Why do we need them at all? Those who want hunt - develop your damn skills to shoot and use a bow and arrow! You are doing it for fun anyway. Though what kind of fun it is killing something that is not bothering you is beyond me. Maybe the mental disease aspect starts there. I think there is only a very fine line between going into the wild to shoot unsuspecting animals and going into a mall and shooting unsuspecting shoppers. (Shooting kids is something too raw for me to talk about.)

I understand the need for protection. Unfortunately the same  things that we choose for protection are the ones that hurt and kill.  Why do we equalize protecting ourselves with hurting the person we need protection from? Offence and defense are two entirely different things, and must be kept that way. Of course there are cases when one needs to kill an attacker, preferably before he/ she gets set off. If we could redo things I would have no problem executing Adam Lanza. I would not have a problem incarcerating his mother either. It is criminal irresponsibility to have guns in the house with a disturbed boy.  But you do not need an iron contraption triggering little bits of metal at high fatal speeds to protect yourself. A well- placed kick, a Taser, pepper spray, a knife.....and according to airport security, nail cutters apparently!  I know my suggestion sounds simplistic, but evil will exist and we have to deal with it without becoming evil ourselves. Having more guns to offset the danger of ones that are already there is not the answer.

Guns make it easy to kill. The lack of direct physical contact with victims creates a disconnect which eases whatever qualms a psychotic lunatic might have.  (Yes, barring gun-totting on a job like in law enforcement, everyone in possession of a gun IS a lunatic. And even with responsible officers, we have too many accidental firing of guns). Pulling the trigger is simple, quick and horribly efficient. The only time for that proficiency is to prevent a heinous act or in the course of justice.

Nothing is perfect. We are flawed creatures living in an imperfect world.  There are defects and disease in our society and in individuals. But nothing ever was, or ever will be, solved by arming  ourselves. Guns are not recreation, and if you think it is you are one of those I have no problem putting in jail preemptively. Guns are not protection, they provide only a threat of damage, and that safeguards nobody. Guns are certainly not a deterrent. A deterrent to violence cannot be a thing that brings about that very type of violence. It is like the stupid idea that we should have nuclear weapons to prevent a nuclear war. ( No, idiots. The way to prevent a nuclear war is NOT to have nuclear anything) Guns are not a right.When driving is not a right, there is no reality in which having a gun is a right. We took away segregation, now its time to take away this ridiculous 2nd amendment.

My solution is drastic but needed. All guns, unless they are for law enforcement, need to be taken and melted to make, I don't know, decorative sculpture or train tracks. Let us get rid of guns, then maybe we will get rid of the idea that we need to be able to hurt to defend. 

Missing Something ?

Have not all of us felt a pang of missing something so much it feels like a real loss? It could be a time in life, a place, a friend who moved away? The sweetly sad feeling of deprivation is equally strong whether it is a home you had or just something silly like a shampoo that was discontinued or a burger joint that closed down.

It leaves us sad, of course, but there is an underlying sweetness, a delight of having known that joy. And in line with that typical sadistic conundrum that life is, the sharper the joy was, the more painful its removal. The more something means to you, the more power it has to kill a part of you when it is torn away.

Imagine a person living blissfully on a lovely island, never having had sushi.Would he or she have cravings? Or feel deprived because they do not have the latest Gucci shoes? Someone was telling me the other day that the Prophet broke his fast with a date. Well, he hardly had much choice. There were no gulab jamuns or samosas for him. And it bothers me that people do not see this. People grow face fungus mostly because the prophet always had a beard. Well, he also traveled only by camel, so why not just take a camel to work? But that is another topic. Whatever your monetary status,say, in the 12th century, you would not have known what a car was. Today money can buy you a Fiskar or a Lamborghini. Of course, like the people in the aforementioned 12th century, I do not miss having either because I have no idea what it feels like to ride in, let alone own, one. And that is perfectly alright with me.Like my father said, when you upgrade be sure you do so to a level you can reasonably maintain because getting used to something new and better is fun, but getting used to not having it again is sometimes not possible. It is very much like sleeping on the perfect mattress for a few days- you will never be happy with anything less.

I think a lot of people today are discontented not because they lack, but because they know of stuff they do not have. With the information world exploding around us we know so much more, and that opens our eyes and hearts to possibilities of what we could have,and then what might want, and then, if we are not mature enough, what we must have. Of course there is a solution. There always is,and usually one just has to really want it to find it. What we need to do is accept that the world is full of lovely things and lovely places,and find joy in just knowing it is there. I am not pulling the solution out of thin air. It works. I know there are those gorgeous islands I will not be able to go to, but I feel joy in seeing the pictures. There is that Cartier necklace I will not buy ,but it is such a thing of beauty, I am happy to have seen it. Of course if  I could pass by cupcakes with the same joy of just looking instead of hogging on them, my size might be different, ( and some old woman in some hillside Chinese village may never know, and therefore never want a cupcake)! 

With knowledge and information exploding around us and world becoming so much smaller, the number of things we do not have seems to grow everyday. Information is never a bad, too much or too little. It is how we use it that matters. If it increases our dissatisfaction with what we have, it also propels change. It shows people what could be, what they could do, and what they could have. The drive for freedoms from dictatorships would not have been as strong if people could not see, and know, what freedom feels like. Movies, media, internet everything conspires towards change, whether personal ( that university abroad you apply to, or that Facebook friend who opens news doors) or national. ( the 'Arab Spring')

Sometimes we miss something because it was with us, and sometimes we miss something because we know we could/would/might have had it. Whether it is as inane as a disgustingly expensive purse you see in some silly fashion magazine, or hear of the fabulous healthcare system in another country, you could always use the pang to drive yourself to better your situation. Enjoy the fact that it exists (or existed), or work towards getting it ( back) for yourself.

Propriety and props

This has been festering for a long time. This frustration that I feel when institutions try to police individual behaviour. It might work in elementary school, when children need the guidance for right and wrong, but not in adults! When governments begin to tell people what they should do with themselves, or not do, it is the worst kind of dictatorship there can be, for one does not need a dictator per se to oppress a people. It can happen in a democracy if we let it. We see the far-right Republicans forcing their morals and beliefs on everyone else. (Morals that, I might add, they do not generally possess themselves!) I believe forcing everyone else to follow what I believe to be right is just so.... well, wrong. Freedom only exists when people have the freedom to choose both right and wrong where their own selves are concerned, as long it does not hurt anyone else.

I see very little difference between Republicans asking  for  repeal of a woman's right on her own body and the draconian Saudi 'moral' police. The Saudi excuse that tightening official control will result in better individual behaviour is ridiculous. The way to enable moral rectitude is not by removing opportunities for imagined offences, but by enlightenment; by educating minds and opening dialogue. Bad will do bad whatever and whenever the chance comes up. And in trying to avoid giving a chance for 'bad' to happen, we curtail the space even for good. Women are not allowed to drive in Saudi, presumably to avoid giving them the opportunity to 'sin' (very Republican, I think). This simplistic form of control probably only stopped the flowering of women scientists, entrepreneurs, writers. And it certainly prevented a whole lot of mothers going out with daughters, or friends meeting over coffee. It saddens me to imagine the things that may have been. Because by eliminating chances for exploration we eliminate chances of progress. And frankly, the women who want to march to a different moral beat, do so even now! The tangential topic of men and their freedom and what they do with it would need a book, not a blog.

Of course I believe in government. We need law and order, we need the structure of bureaucracy, we need the infrastructure government provides, and I am very appreciative of social security. But that is what government should be doing:  governing the civil and financial aspect of society. Period. Not dictating morality, or biology, or sexuality, or religion.

Speaking of unnecessary moral policing, where do people get the idea that social networking is a step towards the breakdown of society? I have heard people say 'they divorced because of Facebook' - apparently that is where the unfaithful husband met his new love interest. Seriously? He would have been a gem of a guy if there was no Facebook? Why do people blame something so abstract for an act that is  based entirely on individual will? Can we really believe that the woman who had an extramarital affair with someone she met in an online chat room would not do it with someone she met in the supermarket? or at the PTO meeting? The child who got lured by the abuser actually physically went to meet the pervert. Simply keeping the contact online would be safer.There are a  whole lot of other, more important dimensions at work here. Let us not belittle those dangers by blaming it all on the Internet.

All I am saying is that behavior is always an individual choice, dictated by personal situations and choices. It is predicated on personal principles not societal laws. Propriety that needs legal props is neither proper nor stable. It is pompous officiousness to try and have it regulated.

Birthday thoughts

So I think birthdays are overrated. If the day you are born is the one you need to celebrate OVER others, then it is a sad life; and maybe one you should not celebrate anyway.

Every day that one is blessed with is a special day, and if most days go by without some acknowledgement by you then making a huge deal on the anniversary of taking a first breath is meaningless.

So why celebrate? Life' s days are the same, right? Wrong. Life holds meaning every time a sunset takes your breath away, every time a friend makes you smile. Your birthday should be important to people in your life, and if that is so, then celebrate every day!!

The sun rises, glowing anew 
Into the day I drag my feet 
With my heart so bruised and blue 
I cannot another challenge meet. 
Each breath I take weighs on me 
Like something I have that I deserve not 
In my life for all to see 
Is a world by dying dreams wrought. 
\And yet I smile and walk and talk 
Struggling on in a wild belief 
Waiting for Opportunity's that one knock 
Tiny hope always alleviating crushing grief. 
For this I know and this I will state- 
Life will not pass by those who wait.

You, Now

It is ironic that it is after I wrote an article about how life tests you, I am thrown one of its biggest trials. And like I had said in my write-up, it is not pleasant. I cannot begin to imagine what it feels like to be told you have an advanced stage of a deadly disease. I do know its horrific enough to hear it for someone you share your life with.

All of us know we are mortals. Actually everything, including the universe in all probability, comes with an expiry date! We all know we are, after all, born but to die. But when we are faced with a definite and specific likelihood of how life is ending, it is traumatic, and unbelievably, it is shocking.

It was not easy trying to make ourselves get to deal with my husband's advanced lung cancer. It seemed for a long while that everything was WRONG. But it is not wrong. It is just the way it is. It is human arrogance that makes one believe life is not going to get tougher for us. 'Not me' is as escapist solution, but it does work while it does. If we begin to think of all that could go awry, we would be immobilized by fear. I believe we need to concentrate only on what's right, right now. And then it is not that bad, after all.

We are dealt a hand we can deal with, or rather we learn to deal with because nothing prepares you for the worst trials. So how do we rise to meet something we are just not prepared to deal with in any way? Something we really do not WANT to have to deal with?

- Learn from others. I have a dear friend who has been struggling so quietly and so bravely with this goddamned disease, I felt stupid collapsing into despair or fear. Then there are those at the cancer center who joke about the weight of their health files. Men and women who dress their best, and smile as they walk in to take their infusions.

- Know it's not the end. The intimation of bad news is not bad in itself. You still have the same things you had before you knew. In my husband's case, things got so much better after a harrowing chemo week, that it was easy to see the positive.

- Have Faith. The one thing you CANNOT do without. Faith in God's goodness and His mercy, faith is the support of friends and doctors. It is the most important thing you can have. Faith that life never gives you what you cannot handle. Faith that things do turn around, you just have to get through them. 

- Learn. I think that is probably one benefit we really do not see, an advantage we do not add to ourselves. The cliches of misfortunes making you stronger is utter nonsense; nothing makes you stronger. It is how strong you are to begin with to take the chipping off of your soul. Your strength of character is something that you have always had. But what changes is that you learn life. Things become very clear once the trifling nonsensical little things are peeled away - time schedules, unnecessary, fawning people, things that you do because of others, things you tolerate out of politeness. And you also learn what is really important to you. The big painting that still gives you joy, the trinkets that give you solace, the family you could not have survived without, the friends who prayed for you. The people you reach out to at such times are your real 'family'. Period. You know where everyone stands in your life. Those you seek out in your hell are those that make up your heaven. I always knew my friends and their worth, but now I know how much more they are to me. And I know exactly which part of family was and is always there for me. The rest will never matter again. 

- Live. The most important. The only attitude children should be taught. Each day is one unto itself. Each moment precious.Do not put life on hold. Have that extra cupcake, take that trip. We are all terminal. All we have is now. I don't mean we should be grinning for ear to ear everyday, or jump around and all the time. But relish each moment, the thrills, the sorrows, the joys, the shocks of pain and of pleasure. It is what your life is, it is what you are while you are on this earth. Each thing you like or dislike is what makes up your consciousness, and that, according to all religions, and according to my own Higgs boson-propelled theories, is all that's there - you, now.