Indistinct Distinction

Why is the system here so keen on making sure every person is special?? In the movie, 'The Incredibles' the mother tells her son, Dash, that everyone is special. Interestingly, the movie traces the story of heroes with superpowers who are not like everyone.

In classrooms across the country well-meaning, misguided teachers will not tell little children that they are wrong. A teacher is supposed to say "that is an interesting way to look at it", or at worst, "oh that is not entirely correct". When are you going to tell the child he is wrong? If he says that Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandmother's house to pay Scrabble - it is wrong! It is not in the story. Ask the student to write another story about Red Riding Hood and Scrabble. Do not play around with his brain saying he is right when he is not. I make it point to say, "No, that is incorrect" when I have to. I swear that children beam much more when they do finally get it right. I point out those kids who have done their work really well, but I am never going to go crazy trying to find something to say about every work that is placed in front of me. It is important for us to learn that treating everyone fairly is VERY different from treating everyone equally. I prefer being fair.

When it comes to work, by children or adults, treating everyone equally is not equitable. How can we condone this injustice to the really special individual? What motivation is left for anyone to try anything? The really extraordinary child will not be motivated to show his talents because it gets the same reaction as everyone else's mediocre accomplishments. The average kid is not going to be motivated to work harder and reach for the stars because he is content with where he is! This desperate, injudicious desire to evaluate everyone with the same yardstick-and blanket everyone with the same determination- is one reason why American children are unable to compete with the Asian children. In India, you have to prove yourself. You are not special just because your parents think you are. In China you have to prove it even to your parents! We all know where those kids reach.

President Obama is concerned - as he should be - about Americans being left behind, as they are now, because our education system needs to be overhauled. Yes it does!! Finally a leader sees the truth! It is essential to understand that education does not start and stop with schools. Like Hillary Clinton's book says 'It takes a village'. So also it will take a whole societal change for the next generation to wake up to its full potential. When guests visit with children we are supposed to grant the same freedoms to the out-of-control spoilt brats that we do to well-behaved kids. Parents send their kids to parties because all kids go. Why not see if your child has the maturity to handle the trip to that NYC club? Its the same ridiculous concept-treat all children equally. Does that not go right against the undeniable truth that no two children are the same?

I could never stand the sight of Michael Phelps. Mainly because his swimming trunks are offensively low on his hips. But what really ticked me off was his reaction on winning the record-breaking gold medal. He pumped his fist in the air and there was a disgustingly wild look in his eyes. But I also see where that arrogant aggression may have come from. Of course he is special (yes, even with that sartorial debacle of a swimsuit), but I am convinced all his coaches/teachers would not not have given him the acknowledgment he needed. Or gave him as much as they gave to lesser swimmers. Obviously he needed to shove his victory into the faces of the millions watching him. Any surprises he turned to drugs? I am not a psychologist - but someone with that kind of learning really needs to address this (Faisal?? Remember the theory has my patent!!;))

It is unacceptable that we play down the specialness of the gifted. But the attempt to make everyone feel exceptional is worse. Mrs. Incredible, like so many American teachers and parents, has it all wrong. EVERYONE IS NOT SPECIAL. And by pretending that they are, we are doing a terrible disservice to to those who actually are, and an even more terrible deception to those who are not. How can it be right? Does it make anyone feel, or be, better? Certainly not me. Tell a child the unvarnished fact - the honest truth about what he is - maybe he is a little slow in reading, maybe he cannot run. He has to learn limitations if only to deal them. Or maybe to overcome them. But do not say that he lost the race because the shoes were too tight. Or the killer phrase "It does not matter who won, you ran your best". Any idiot who has run a race knows it matters who won. Teach the child to appreciate a winner and be gracious about losing. It makes the winner feel good - and he deserves it. It makes the slower ones feel good, and they need it too.

I know there is always some talent that is unique to each one, some niche in which a person can excel. But one can never find it if we gloss over everyone with the same brush. You did something fantastic if you struggled through geometry and got it right, even if with a C. But that does not mean you are equal to the kid who breezes through with an A. Maybe the A geometry kid cannot write to save his life; well he is not special there, so do not tell him he is "good" in English class when he isn't. The volunteers in social work organizations deserve a lot of respect-but do not treat them on the same level as Mother Theresa. And just because I enjoy writing does not mean I deserve the Nobel prize for Literature. That is for someone actually special.

So please stop lying. Stop confusing kids. Stop telling them life is a bed of roses that will be laid out for them. How will we ever teach them the value of moral rectitude if we cover faults that are obvious. Dash's answer to his mother's forced and facile statement sums it all up ."Everyone's special, Dash," she says to him.To which he grumbles, "Which is another way of saying nobody is." Precisely!

Be fit, or fit in?

Why is it so important for people to look like someone else's idea of themselves? Why do we break ourselves to fit into a mould that does not belong to us?

We buy colours that are in fashion, whether we like them or not. We buy cars that go with an image created by some overpaid advertising company. We eat foods that the latest article says is the right thing to eat. We are proud that we have shunned the fetters of earlier societies, that today we have the liberty to choose to be as we will. We are free to wear, buy, and be what we want, right? Unfortunately, along with gaining the independence we prize, we seem to have the lost the ability to think and choose. Freedom of choice makes no sense if your choices are so tightly bound by the dikats of prevailing taste.

The Renaissance era paintings show full-figured women, sometimes with bulges along the waists. People say it was the 'fashion' then. I do not believe the artists were trying to delineate the trends (do artists ever?) The emphasis of pulchritude was in the poses, in the softness of expression. The allure of the portraits lies in the portrayal of comfort women had with their own bodies. Today, Barbie has made us about as plastic as herself. The impossible dimensions of the doll have become the ideal demented women to aim for - and even more insane men to expect!

The worst casualty of fashion has always been our bodies. From terrible physical trauma(running 10 miles five times a week) to sheer deprivation (pure liquid diets), we put ourselves through so much to fit into what some magazine has decided to be the look of the decade. As usual, my caveat again - if you really like to make the survival instinct of running a daily regimen - go right ahead. Enjoy the high that comes with it, but do not do it to look for something in the mirror. I love to swim. I enjoy the feel of water, and the buoyancy it gives me. I delight in the way it eases my breathing into a smooth rhythm. A few years ago, I decided I would watch the pounds fall off me too. And while I watched my weight and swam to lose those calories, I stopped enjoying my swims. It became a chore, a race with myself. I snapped myself back. I have not stepped on a weighing scale for ages now (except at the doctor's office, where I make it a point not to look at it). I do not know how much I weigh and I am very happy with how much ever it is.

One of the joys of life - eating - has been reduced to what is good for you and what it not. I have had to kick myself more times than I care to enumerate - before I could get myself out of 'this has antioxidants' rote before eating chocolates. I am not eating Swiss truffles for the antioxidants. I am eating it because I love them and because they taste great. I swear they taste better when I relish them for what they are.

Yes, we need to eat healthy, we need to eat well. It is good to add something salubrious to your daily victuals. But when we eat we should savor the food. Our diets are to nourish our bodies and to delight our palates, not medicate ourselves. Add the salad to your diet, but enjoy those fries too - at least while you still can. The physical body is going to deteriorate - whether you like it or not - whether you postpone it for another decade - there will come a time when it will disintegrate. Enjoy the candy while you have your natural teeth. And yes, brush and floss too.

Even though it is women who are more susceptible to the changing fashions of what 'you - must -be -like', men have had their share of distress. One has to be tall, and have a full head of hair (or none at all). One has to have a certain number of well-defined abdominal muscles to be considered 'fit'. Though 'fit' and 'cool' are so often interchangeable today that it becomes difficult to see what one is actually aiming for.

My husband is fixated on his belt. He moves back to tightening it and he thinks he has conquered the world. He tells me this with a shine in his eyes he has never had when I look my best! It is good to loose the extra weight that is deleterious to your well-being, but do not lose equilibrium in the process. Keep sight of what is important in life too.

As long as the body looks good, it hardly matters what is inside that head. And it hardly matters why you do what you do - as long as it gets you the right car. I was shocked when I realised that a certain type of person is expected to drive a particular kind of car. I can understand the love for a car - or to even buy a car for its value on the 'cool' meter. But to have one because 'it is what we look good in' or because it apparently says something about you is downright ridiculous. The only thing it says my dears, is that you do not have an iota of sense, or self-respect. My choice of car is dictated by what I need and what I can afford. Period. I wish I had the money to buy a helicopter. But I hope I would have enough sense not to buy it even then. I guess I can afford a Mercedes - but I am so happy with my Camry - I see no reason to buy another brand. So my second car is - yes - a newer Camry! I was told our family is the 'Lexus' kind. Apparently college-going kids should have two-seaters or convertibles. Why? And everyone should have at least a Blackberry. Again, why? My husband's Blackberry Storm only makes his work day interminable. But I can see he needs it. I do not. And the 11th grader certainly does not, however fancy he thinks it makes him.

One friend of mine went straight from 'close' to 'avoidable' when she did not buy what she herself called a 'perfect car at the right price' because it was silver and silver was so 'yesterday'. Good God! It is a COLOUR! How shallow can one get? She is a nice lady, in may ways a better person that I can ever be, but superficiality is something I have never been able to deal with. The infuriating part was that she left a chance a help out a friend with he commission he would have made on that great deal he was getting her (in these times!). Coincidentally this is the same friend who spoke of nothing but the state of her diet EVERY TIME we met! It is tiresome to hear a litany of foods one had ingested which one, apparently, should not have.

So, my very dear readers, look within yourself and look for what you want ,what you need-and go for it. Do not make yourself as two-dimensional as those lovely and meaningless magazine pictures! George D. Prenctice put it very succinctly when he said ' What we call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease'.

A sonnet

The sun rises, glowing anew
Into the day I drag my feet
With my heart so bruised and blue
I cannot another challenge meet.

Each breath I take weighs on me
Like something I have that I deserve not
In my life for all to see
Is a world by dying dreams wrought.
And yet I smile and walk and talk
Struggling on in a wild belief
Waiting for Opportunity's that one knock
Tiny hope always alleviating crushing grief.
For this I know and this I will state-
Life will not pass by those who wait.


(for more poems- visit- http://www.poetry.com/dotnet/P1898003/999/6/display.aspx )

To be or not to be?

People tell me that naturalization is a change of passport. Period. That citizenship is a piece of paper that outlines your privileges. That it is a glorified travel document. And that having one of the United States of America is a wonderful, prestigious asset. They say a passport and a piece of paper does not make you someone else.

So now I can apply for US citizenship. I can now get the sought-after citizenship. But I cannot comprehend the ease with which people switch their countries. For if that is all it is for someone - then maybe they should not have that paper at all. If being a part of bigger entity or having a specific identity holds no emotional meaning - maybe one should not have any. From anywhere. For me it is not as simple as changing the colour of your passport. For me it is a changing of who I am because it changes where my primary responsibilities and allegiance lie. It changes the 'they' and 'us ' for me. It is not a decision I can make facilely.

My nephew was born in the US and it is easy for him. When he says 'I wonder who we will elect?' I think he is talking of the Indian elections, till he clarifies that he is talking of the US ones. I say "Why don't they get it that George Bush is an idiot?", ( I am talking about Americans) and he replies, "I am sure we understand that now"(he is talking about Americans too!) Yes, its not an easy conversation for an onlooker!

Yes, we donated and campaigned for Obama. I am a die-hard Democrat. But that is because it is my country while I live in it - and I owe it my loyalty, along with the taxes. But if I promote myself from the Green card status to US citizen - I am making a major commitment. Am I ready?

In my class, the 6 and 7-year olds are mostly from immigrant families. When they say "I am Pakistani/Egyptian/Bosnian", I always and firmly correct them - "No, you are American" (they were all born here). My American colleagues find it funny that I am so particular about it. But it means something; something important - and the kids should understand it. EVERYONE should. I am glad my nephew has got it straight.

But it is not so straightforward for me. Where do I belong? I think American, I know that. Freedom - of beliefs, thoughts and words, pursuit of happiness, equality of men - these are an inalienable part of my moral compass. However, my psyche is Indian. I smile at strangers, I offer 'chai and biscuits' to everyone who comes to my house, including the plumber (granted that sometimes its soda and cookies instead). I am offended when people talk to me through doorways without inviting me in. I do not consider it a party unless everyone is dressed to the teeth. I call elders Uncle and Aunty and expect the same title from my friends' children.

This is the country that gave George Bush two terms because as long as someone else was getting bombed it seemed ok to them - until it backfired. But it is also the country that elected Barack Obama. This is the country where for most people, the world begins and ends at the two US coasts, but which ranks highest in charitable giving by individuals.

And now its time to make a decision. I love this country enough to have called it my own - but do I love it enough to repudiate my ownership of the country I was born in? Is that even possible? There is an saying in Indian that we are made of the mud of the country we are born in. Well, there is no changing the fact that I am, and will be always Indian. I cannot, will not, and do not want to change that. So will I be disloyal to India if I become a citizen of the United States of America? Worse - will I be disloyal to both countries by changing my citizenship? Yes, it probably makes life easier. But what exactly defines ease? Can I do without the luxuries and undeniable comforts of a wonderful developed nation? But then can I do without the warmth of my own people, the dust and smells I was born into?

Here in the US, you have clean, fancy doctor's offices where appointments are easy to make - but then the doctors are not a part of your family like in India - and personally, I would say, not as competent. The ubiquitous and essential credit cards make everything affordable - but then insurance for everything is like an eternal noose around your neck.

I have loved living in the country where circadian things like paying bills and addressing regular issues like insurance or registration renewals can be done without hassles. It has been wonderful to be able to get things done without bribery or rudeness. Its nice to be certain that there will be running water at home and someone at the end of the line if you call 911.

But you cannot walk into a friend's house for an informal chat. If you fall sick no neighbour is going to drop by with a cooked meal. Everyone is civil but not friendly. People smile and say hello, but if you ask one extra question they label you 'weird' and back away. In India, you can make everlasting friendships with total strangers during a short train trip.

Changing my citizenship tells everyone - and me - that I have accepted that one style of life is better than the other. And I do not know If I ready for that. Am I ready to live the rest of my life here? How can I relinquish the fealties I was brought up with? How can you forsake the culture that taught you to be who you are? Is it really so easy to tergiversate - even with such an important part of who you are? So is it really fair to yourself to get a stamp of something other than that which defines you?

I cannot deny all that I am - I am proud of being Hindustani. I would not change it for the world. I cannot change it even if I wanted to. My thoughts, ideas, attitudes, traditions are too ingrained - and I have no plans of scouring them out. So is it disloyal to change my passport?

Hey, parent! Leave that kid alone!

I was at the pediatrician's office the other day. And while I was waiting in the reception area I was treated to a new drama of new-age parenting. It was all I could do not to cry, gag and laugh at the same time.

A cute little kid came in with the mother and grandmother. And then started a continual, continuous, stream of chatter AT the child. I always thought that whatever a child's age, you had to talk to him, not at him. Well this was the most at, and down, -talking I have ever heard. "Jack, look at the umbrella", and before poor Jack could look, let alone process that there was an umbrella in the middle of the room, the next piece information was thrown at him. "It is green". And before little Jack's retina probably even recognised a possible new shade of green instruction number....I don't know.... maybe, 896th for the day... "Jack will put his hat on the frog". Poor kid was still trying to actually look at the umbrella, so obviously he took a little time. And then the grandmother put the hat on the umbrella for him. (I was feeling rushed just listening to them. It must have been downright discombobulating for the kid!) Then there was "Where is Jack's hat?" And I am not sure Jack even knew his grandmother had placed his hat on the umbrella. By this time I was very sorry for Jack. He clearly seemed a little more interested in the bright patterned carpet but, no, the mother and grandmother would have none of it. Clearly the green umbrella had more educational value than what Jack wanted to explore. When they had deconstructed the umbrella to the death, the tracks changed. "Jack look at the truck outside. Mommy will open the blind for you" (yes, third person speech. Talk of confused grammar!). "Did you see that?" grandmother chipped in. "Mother opened the blinds so Jack can see the truck. Isn't that a big truck?" From what I could guess of the future, the best case scenario - cute little Jack will have ADD, at worst - he will hate women for the rest of his life! It was quite harrowing really. The poor kid will never have time to make a decision, or pick his own choices - or be left alone to think on his own. The child will await directions all his life, and the mother will be a basket case herself soon. No wonder women need a 'break' from their children. If they make it such pointless drudgery, motherhood would be a strain for a day.

Please understand that in no way am I being contemptuous of the genuineness of the affection and the care that the kids were receiving. I am sorry it sounds that way, and that is because it was so very strange to me. The mother was really trying to do whatever she had been told was the right thing to do. It was a lot of work, required total commitment to the kids and unflagging attention their surroundings. It was a great effort - but it was wrong! Telling a child constantly what to look at, and worse, why he should, is not right. Period.

But today's parents do not want children; they want trophies. And if God has blessed them with a normal child they will teach it, bend it, break it, to rebuild a child that would fit some preconceived, warped ideal they have. And so it goes on, in varying degrees, through life. Summer holidays are busier for kids today than school terms. If they are not learning 10 new things for their 'overall development' they are taking extra classes to get a head start on math for next year. What happened to enjoying your summer holidays? Getting up late, walking down for ice cream, biking in the park, making new friends? Sadly, parents have begun to think that 'ballet class', and 'Accelerated Math' sound better in adult conversation! They also believe that teaching little Jane and Joe the many kinds of music or art or martial arts will help them find something they like. Unfortunately the only thing the kids are learning in this harried process is that nothing is important because everything can be done in small measure - over a few years or even a few weeks. They are only learning what I would call non-commitment. How many girls are really talented, or even really interested, in ballet? And I guess we all know that many parents are! And how many who learn ballet can possibly also like tennis and karate and piano. All at the same time in life? Is it possible to like so many things equally? This is where parents need to back off. Kids today are required to do everything, supposedly to 'find' their right fit. But it is only parents trying to make up missed time. I realised somewhere in my 30s that I really wanted to learn to tap-dance,and I almost made my daughter learn it. Fortunately, she always has had a mind of her own and told me to go enjoy it myself. She would rather sing - and she did. She still does, and beautifully well. But I could see how easy it is for a parent to foist their wishes on the child.

We have to understand that a child is a little human being. He or she comes with a genetic makeup, and with an inborn intelligence to learn, watch, and develop. What a child needs is nurturing, not directing. Because telling a child what to do is not going to increase his mental acuity, it will stunt it permanently. I teach first grade, and the kids who are the fastest to learn are the ones who, to the best of my knowledge, have been doing things at their own pace.

Solitude is essential for the mind. Not loneliness of course, but some amount of time to ourselves. We need it as adults, and even more so as children. To read, or watch the snow, or play with the rays of sunshine filtering through the curtains. It is an inalienable part of childhood. That time to take in the world in our own individual way is imperative for normal growth.

A few days ago, one of my first-graders broke down during snack-time. She said she is too tired because she has after-school activities everyday. That day, Wednesday was the only day she went home from school, and for that one week, that one Wednesday, her mom had decided to leave her in after-care painting. How could it be possible that the girl was 'enjoying' the extracurricular classes, if one extra day broke her? Even if the child loves art, it cannot be more important than sufficient time at home with family. If you really want to make sacrifices for the betterment of your children, take time out to snuggle with them. Your child, my dear parents, is NOT an extension of yourself. Your child is not a receptacle of your failed dreams. Your child is not your answer to the injustices of the world. He is his own person - and wonderful and complete in his own way. Cherish that - and be thankful. Enjoy your child's childhood - and let the child enjoy it too!

Heroes

Who is a hero for me? I admire a lot of people. I admire the stay-at-home mom giving her time to raise well-mannered, well-adjusted children. I admire the doctors struggling with dismal facilities and rampant diseases in areas the world prefers to ignore. I admire the fruitseller in India who pushes his cart in the hot sun all day so that his children will not have to. I admire the little boy who runs up to return to coin purse you dropped, even though he desperately needed the little money in it himself. But I cannot and will not understand why on earth we go so wild about the physical prowess of sports stars.
I am going out on a limb here. I know this will attract the wrath of those millions of fans of sports around the world. I cannot fathom how basketball players become 'heroes' just because they play a game well. A few days ago a sportsperson got a 3-year 54 million dollar contract. Apparently, his talent lies in hitting a ball very well with a wooden bat. Damned lucky is all I have to say. And let’s hope that strength in those arms is not artificially induced. So let's be a little careful on who we call a 'hero'.Then there is the person who automatically recieves a step-up in public esteem because of something that happens to them. Please tell me -what is special about someone battling a disease? Its sad, tough, and all my prayers and very best wishes to them, but it does not make them a hero. And there lies my probelm with the fans of Lance Armstrong. Lance Armstrong cycles exceedingly well. He is also fighting a deadly disease - and winning. Hats off to him. Good job -and yes, it is inspiring too. But that does not make him a hero. He is doing things for himself. His is a wonderful, heartening fight for survival - like hundreds of others everyday all over the world; and so many others not as hopeful. If survival is the criterion then we have millions of heroes, and those are of a stature much superior than Armstrong - like the the little boy in Africa carrying his sister on his back, trying to find a place where he can get food and water for them both.
So some big stars give millions to their charitable trusts and their favorite aid agencies. I do not mean to belittle their kindness at all, but frankly, if you had that much money would you not give some of it away too? It must be a relief to get rid of a little bit actually. So do not annoy me by going ga-ga over how charitable Angelina Jolie is. I do realize that having millions to spare does not necessitate a large heart - and not every rich person wants to contribute to society. If giving is the criterion then again we have thousands of unsung heroes. And its not Oprah Winfrey, it is someone like the old lady taking the time to walk to the church where she volunteers to serve food to the poor.Real charity is when you have to budget for sending that planned cheque to the soup kitchen. And real heroism is sending that cheque out by cutting corners elsewhere.
Each one of us has a story of struggle. And the fact that we are still around, and with relatively normal faculties, means we have won in some measure at least. Yes, we have a hero in each of us. Each of us has done our bit to help, to improve things around us, maybe even reach a bit beyond ourselves. And we did not expect any payback. So forgive me if it annoys me when people go wide-eyed delirious everytime Bill Gates does a major philanthropic gesture. And forgive me again when I get frustrated when a hockey player gets a ridiculously high salary for his ability to move on ice (and this comes from a Devils fan!). Or rather, don't even bother - because I am not sorry for my annoyance. Its is justified- 54 million times over!

A man's mind can be filled with anything if his stomach is empty.

Hunger is a very destructive weapon.

Rusi Karanjia (the late editor of a popular Indian magazine) once stated, 'Hunger is a very corrosive acid'. He wrote of it melting a man's brain and eating his flesh. But hunger is much more potent, and more insidious. It involves more than just the person who suffers from it. Hunger is a sore on the society that breeds it. Deprivation of victuals has a terribly debilitating effect on a man's soul and mind . It leaves him vulnerable to anything that will alleviate the agony of starvation. He will be a slave to anyone who makes him feel less alone, less harrowed. Hunger kills the soul before it kills the body.

That is why terrorism breeds in countries where people have less to look forward to in their lives. When one does not know if there will be a meal the next day, and no one to turn to -anything that guarantees an umbrella of security and belonging becomes irresistible. Trading their souls to the devil must not seem like a loss if the soul feels pretty much dead already.For the children in Congo, to fall in line and obey orders to kill was, possibly, not a difficult choice when the orders came from the men who were feeding and clothing them (Needless to say, the psychological damage those children suffered in the process may be irreversible - but that is another tragic story altogether).

I find it very difficult to see nobility in setting up schools where children are given slates and pencils when their stomachs are rumbling and their feet are bare on icy ground. To read is certainly important, but to eat is far more so. The mind's needs cannot be supported without first satisfying the ache in the stomach. Thats a scientific, biological fact. So the delight a hungry girl feels because of a new pencil is probably only a reflection of the gratification the giver feels doing the misguided right thing.

It is certainly more pressing to respond to the needs of the body first, the fierce need for survival. The mind cannot think for itself if the rest of the system is in starvation mode. If living is priority number one for the biological system, all high-minded pursuits are put on hold. Yes, the wonders of opening a mind to learning and thinking cannot be exaggerated, but let us take things in order. Get the mind and body in good physical condition before we start on the 'spread knowledge' spiel.

The thoughts you put in the consciousness of a child with a famished belly may not be his own at all.