True Strength

I do not accept the hogwash of 'getting stronger' as you go through life. I have already shared my thoughts on this in earlier write-ups. Life's slashes cut away at your will and joy. Those blows do not make you 'stronger'. It is because you are strong that you survived.

Today, I am just trying to define what strength actually means. To me, at least.

People usually confuse strength with rebellion or aggression, or being downright rude. Real strength is quiet and not easily displayed, and not easily shaken. Aggressiveness, whether bargaining at a farmer's market or explaining a viewpoint, is rank bullying. And that is something everyone – perpetrator and spectator – should be ashamed of.

Just as looking down on others does not raise your status, showing belligerence does not give you power. It just belittles you in ways you cannot realize.

Fortitude and peace arise from a place of deeply confident comfort with your self. It is rare, and it is an extraordinary blessing. It lies not only in holding onto your own values, but in developing, growing and adapting while keeping those foundational beliefs. It lies in being accepting of even drastically different views without disturbing your own.

True strength is also displayed in being ready to change. To change your support, your environment, a notion, or a belonging. A physical change like moving homes requires so much more than logistics – it requires open-mindedness, flexibility of thought and habit, a high-tensile capacity of the heart and soul. Changing your stand on political or religious opinions requires even more. It calls for a reset of psychological and emotional scaffolding. Your values of justice and fairness may demand you to switch from supporting a country, or a charity, or a lunch group. Following those values, however unpopular, is strength. It takes a tough mind to to move away from what you do not approve of.

Physical strength is much easier to achieve. Sometimes it is simply a matter of inherent health and good nutrition. If you can run a marathon, you are fit enough. There is no need to add more just 'to exercise'. I am so tired of people thinking they are strong and disciplined because they exercise. It is a silly waste of time if it is not required, and it is despicable capitulation to peer pressure if you do not enjoy it. The life-goals and work of Cristiano Ronaldo justifies his commitment to the gym. And there is only one of him. And even he admits that much of the discipline he practices is in the mind.

Vitality and brawn are wonderful, and require work, of course. But let's not confuse that with strength —that power only comes from the clarity of your purpose, from knowing your own heart and mind and listening to that above all else.

I swim to keep my weak muscles working, and because I love water. There is no way in hell you can make me walk for my figure, or to lift stupid things, or stop eating what I enjoy. I am in this world to live my life, not yours. I do not do numbers. The fact that any digits on any scale are nowhere on my mind's radar is liberating. I heal what I feel. I certainly will not waste time and effort to follow some magazine's gratuitously decided look, or a pharma company's new 'healthy' number. It takes a lot of patience (and strength! :D) to be nice in company when people use numbers as their state of being and their goals. It has never made sense to me.

That arbitrarily changing bar for colour, weight, size or blood pressure should not define how you feel or how you live. Of course, monitor your markings, take the medication. But learn to accept yourself, listen to what makes you happy. The malicious instructions the world is screaming will continue. New fads will always arise. New treatments will be developed for newly 'discovered' diseases and deficiencies. "Make your face fairer to be happy, chisel that nose to find true love, be a size x to get real friends, get a new phone for great photos to have real fun" — these are the ridiculous subliminal messages that are made to target the weak and mask real problems.

You need real strength to close that noise out and do what really needs to be done. Listen to yourself by quieting the outside. Be strong, for yourself, and for the world around you.

Do what you love

I quite hate George Bernard Shaw. For one reason only: I read a quote of his once – If you do not write for publication, there is little point in writing at all.

It had stuck with me, and deleteriously so. I would think of the results of my effort every time I wrote, and give up midway. Who will read this? Who will ever publish this? And even the Bhagwad Gita's exhortation to 'do my duty and not bother about the rewards' would not help.

So I wrote for my columns in Deccan Chronicle; I wrote for a fairy tale collection for a vanity publisher; I wrote for contests in which I knew I would be read, if not win. I wrote for a small children's magazine whose editor thought I was the second coming of Enid Blyton. I wrote and edited for a corporate entity's social arm.

But I kept a novel hidden on simmer, a memoir on 'someday', and so many stories on the back burner. Why write if no one wants it? And now it seems those ideas all lie burnt in my soul somewhere.

And so, my dear (single-digit) readers, I now plan to write everything I want to. For you. And for me, of course. Because I love to think in writing. Because I can figure out my thoughts as I write. Because I don't need to talk when I write. Because I have loved writing since I could read. I don't care if it is the most uninspiring mush that I am putting in words, or if it turns out to be a story or a thought that has been told earlier and better. There is amazing talent out there – published and hidden. It is a privilege to read their works, and I cannot pretend to be anywhere in their orbit. This is me just doing what I love: playing wordsmith, stringing sentences together in a language I have been more comfortable with than my own. Getting published, or even being read, is not the goal. There is no goal. 

It is in writing I find joy, and so I will write. Because we must do what we love. Not what needs to be done. Not what the ones we love need done. Not what is the right or safe thing to do. Just what WE love – however pointless, reckless, time-wasting or uncharacteristic it may seem. Whether it is diving into a book or the sea, whether is creating a beautiful table, or something to put on a table, whether it is sleeping or day dreaming – make sure you do what you love doing. It is one sure way to love yourself.

Life throws a lot of garbage our way – toxic people, horrible leaders, germs and pollution, loss and pain of all magnitudes. But if we hold on to that little spark within that keeps us wanting to breathe, we might just remain sane. Maybe even happy!

Among all the blessings of people we love and the things we cherish, we must recognise that one thing that adds the spark to our eyes and the lift in our steps. It is what we turn to, knowingly or unknowingly, to calm our minds, to ground our thoughts, to  heal our hurts. It is eventually the only medicine we need.

Happy New Year

As the year draws to an end, we tend to look back to see what has been experienced. Some look to map their progress, some at their profit statements, some at milestones, and accomplishments. Some, even on what they have left behind. But what is important is how we have, as individuals, grown. That is the only meaningful mark of passing time. Have you learned something about yourself, improved something, discarded something to be a better you? If you survived difficulties with grace, lent a helping hand when your own feet were unsteady, ignored calls to angry 'us-vs-them' reactions, smiled at someone who hurt you — then, you can mark a successful year. This is the very basic level of you having moved ahead in life. There are greater steps, and fabulous triumphs, but this is the least you should have done. Have you cared — and worked — genuinely, for your peace and that of others? The new sun will rise 'bringing in the new year' (my favorite Tennyson line), but there is nothing new in the burdens we carry on. Sorrow, grief, loss, trauma, illness continue. The scars on your heart and soul are still there. If there has been healing at all, it will need work to continue. But there are also the blessings you carry on to the next year — things that blessedly have not changed, or those that have been added. Love, a safe home, friends, and hope. And that is a lot to be grateful for. I may not have done much to mark the year 2025, but it is with a firmer conviction to be better, and with immense gratitude, that I welcome 2026.

Hurtful arrogance?

As we navigate the mess of living, there is so much we do and say that is unintentional, or, at the very least, unplanned or thoughtless.

Most people do not go about hurting other people as part of their style of being. I say 'most' because I know of a few, both dead and alive, who made it their business to give me pain. I have tried, and probably failed, at not hurting back. Generally, though, we do a disservice to others without meaning to. A thoughtless comment at the wrong time, a joke that seems funny to the deliverer alone, a derisive laugh at something important to another: the pangs of pain and anger we feel at the receiving end is usually just a reaction determined by our perspectives. The deliverer of the hurt may have never intended to hurt! Being circumspect in how you say things is a very overlooked virtue.

Everyone has a favourite virtue of their own, and everybody has a vice they want to steer clear of, always. For me, my most feared vice has been arrogance.

And, of course, you get what you fear.

A recent incident made me think about pride and vanity. How would you define pride? Good pride elevates thinking, increases tolerance, brings contentment and gratitude. You can be proud of your country's policies, your child's talents, a dear friend's beautiful home. You can also be proud of a project you completed well. You can even be proud of your emotional control; or of not having control. All that positivity adds value to your life.

But once the concentration shifts to you and your accomplishments, that pride becomes vain arrogance. Arrogance is hurtful — both to your soul and to others. Arrogance is not always grand. It could show as buying a house or a car that reflects not what you need, but what you want others to think of you. It can also be as simple as getting annoyed with people who do not host as you do, it can be just looking down at someone who does not believe what you believe. And from that arrogance comes self-righteous anger; and it is that anger that causes hurt. It is so wrong, and so insidious, that others can see it before you catch yourself. Arrogance chips away at your own happiness. Even if it is justifiable to you, any situation that does not fit your preset notions becomes untenable. You tend to take offence where none is meant, you try to find meaning when none is provided. And then you say or do things that are right only in your eyes. What invariably happens is hurt. To yourself or to others.

So we all need to take a step back and breathe. Especially if we accost something unbearably rude. It may feel like an insult, but is probably not meant to be. Not everyone can understand me, let alone be like me. Now, I don't know if what I just said is arrogance or pride. :D

Each in its place

I love wild life, as many of us do. I love wildflowers and weeds. I love the ferns that grow on palms without a care. I love the moss that coaxes life out of rocks, and all that grows between our stone pavers.

But just as the moss between pavers needs to cleared out, wild creatures need to stay out of my house.

I don’t bother the lizards out in the garden, even though they make me unable to walk on the grass once I spot them. I expect the same courtesy from them to stay off my habitation!

Yes, last night, yet another lizard was watching TV with us. It was small enough for us not to have a stroke and ask our kind neighbours to help out. But I did kill it. With enough Raid to kill us too if we had stayed in the same room.

The gorgeous cardinals wake me up every morning. It is the highlight of my morning. At least one of the family says 'Hi' to me, and flies away as soon as I see it from my window (No, they are not afraid of us. The cardinal family has sat by on the hibiscus while we swim close by). Eddie (a grey stork-like bird) walks on the fence and seems to greet us when we walk out; the Sandhill cranes (named by Rasha: Albert, Alberta, and their Albertinis) have been visiting us since the first day we were here. One had scared me into the house because he kept coming closer trying to share my tea!

I love seeing the shy alligators in our lake, identifiable by their singular grunts and swim paths. Ally (our ‘wild pet') has been ‘talking’ to Rasha since he was a baby, and has saved us from a bobcat once. True story.

We have seen coyotes, a baby bobcat, a raccoon, and armadillos sauntering around in our backyard. It is quite lovely – as long as they are OUTSIDE.

A snake in the outdoor kitchen, and under our TV cabinet, lizards … too many times to count – not acceptable. The same cute armadillo in my living room?? I would be in terrified panic.

Rasha had created a story when she was toddler (she sometimes responded with a story of her own when I told her one). Something about the sun and clouds and how they each had their place and that is why we should not use flash cameras on animas in zoos. Yes, truth from the mouth of babes. That story has stayed withe me (Side note: we never used cameras at the zoo again).

So as I sit here, feeling genuinely, deeply, unequivocally grateful for the sun on the sparkling lake, do I also feel a pang of guilt for the murdered lizard?

No. I have the right to stand my ground in my home. No lizards allowed.

Please click on the link to read more.

Just Be Nice

Someone once said I was nice, and I got a pleasant shock. Yes, I try, but trying is not the same as being genuinely nice. Everyone tries to do right and be correct, but I know a few wonderful friends who are spontaneously, unapologetically, uncompromisingly, and unconsciously nice. Coming over to allay a neighbour's illogical fears, texting a check-in after a weird post, a heartwarming spontaneous exclamation — we all can recognise an authentic nice soul.

 I wonder how you would define a nice person.

Niceness is a requirement for civilisation to progress. Not money, not technology, not vision. Just a few good, caring hearts in the right place. We see a microcosm of a great society where I live. Having nice people around just makes everything feel like home. It's as simple as having them in your life, and physically close by. We do not need constant texting or sharing of memes. You know they are there. That is what the strength of a tribe was, and it still is. 

I know there are some really mean, artificial people. I would not give them any space in my life or mind, but, obviously, they seem nice enough for their families and their friends. Almost everyone is nice to people they care about. Going above and beyond is normal to show affection to those we love. And it is easy to be considerate to those we like. But is it niceness if your best version is specific to certain people only?

I think you can be an evolved (nice) human only if you can extend courtesy and generosity to people beyond your circle. Donating to a charity not of your choice because they need funds, attending an occasion celebrating something you don't approve of, stretching the budget to accommodate another's needs: this is quiet work that builds the bedrock of a thriving individual, and, by extension, a thriving society. If those tribes of earlier times had extended their supportive niceness to other tribes, there would be no wars.

The other aspect of niceness is action. Just thinking about how things can be corrected is not being nice.  Niceness requires the ability and strength to go out of your comfort zone to do something. There are times I feel like running out into the street and screaming against an injustice (sometimes as simple as after watching a movie like The Pursuit of Happiness), but I don't do that. I can't imagine myself screaming, for one. ;)

To actually stand up, loudly, for what you feel, to give voice to the unheard, to support those broken down, to be there for someone who has no one: that is quintessential niceness. Just shedding a few tears, even if  your heart is really breaking, does not make you nice.

On a bigger scale, I think being nice becomes subjective and very, very important. Imagine if our billionaires were really nice. Not by measure of the maybe 0.01 percent charitable donations they make, but actually effectively nice. Maybe they could heal Sudan or clean our oceans instead of sending cars into space and taking rides to the moon. 

The simplest definition of nice is doing something helpful for someone you do not necessarily like. Giving a ride to an acquaintance in need, tolerating company you don't really want. That is why I believe niceness also comes from a place of power. It is not being nice if you have to interact with certain people because of societal pressures. It is not niceness if you get your boss the coffee because it is expected. It is not being nice when you pay your taxes — that is following the law.  These acts are all proper and correct, but it is not being nice. These deeds are important for social fabric, and maybe even kind. But it is not organic, it is not because of the altruism of your soul. 

Even if you can't say you are a nice person because you only do nice things occasionally and intentionally, the acts in themselves matter. Whether it is from a place of genuine instinctive concern or from superficial external pressure, whether it is an unbidden act of graciousness or something designed, the resultant butterfly effect is undeniable.

So, are you a nice person? Or are you just consciously 'nice'? Either way, it is really nice what you do :D. Seriously. 

Counting blessings

With the festival of Eid-al-Adha this weekend, and the day of Hajj the day before, prayer has been on our minds. I, on the other hand, don’t care.

I was wondering how merciful God really is. I mean, shouldn’t I have been born and lived on an island in Greece or Italy if he was really kind? And then shouldn’t everyone been born where they belonged, born free, born into the situations they wanted?

Why does the Creator not do that? Why create if not to bring joy? 

Then I begin to count my blessings- literally. So all problems, all loss, all angst, all failures, all broken dreams - all are wiped off by the miraculous blessing of having my daughter. 

So I have to shut up complaining. Somewhat. 

Because if he can do that- create and give me Rasha- why not all the much-smaller blessings I crave? 

Religion is largely dependent on our birth. Parents and place determine it almost always. There are few who look for answers and solace beyond what they were taught, and choose a path that works for them. Just like choosing a country to belong to, claiming your attitude to living (for, what is religion but the way you deal with life and death?) is much stronger and more profound.

Either way, it is very personal. Most of us do not realise how individualistic religious belief is. No two people have the same relationship with God. Even if it is the same group of principles, every person practices the tenets in a distinct way. The intensity of faith, commitment to belief, emphasis of a particular part or ritual, or a favourite prayer: it marks that uniqueness like a fingerprint.

For me, the holy month of Ramadan is important because of the social aspects - the special foods, the get togethers, the sharing, the giving, the forgiving. My version of God does not limit answering prayers in a particular month. He answers when asked. (not most of mine of course - but that is another topic, another major grouse)

I will not go into oppression, war, hunger, and psychopathy. That is failure of Man, not of any divine deity. It is we, as humanity, who have been unable to share, care, and correct.  Banding ourselves into illogical groups on skin colour, spoken language, personal belief, passport. What will it be next- style of laughter? Will we be politicising tone of voice, or bone density? 

Anyway, as I begin in my effort be thankful and to drag out some Divine mercy for me, I shall budget and plan a trip to soak myself in Aegean waters. And I am, in an invictus-kind-of-way, grateful that I can. 

healing

Whoever said time heals wounds was an idiot. Grief, loss, anger- rear their head when you least expect it. A dream, a thought, a smell rips open the scab.

There is never healing. The pain remains, and it takes that one touch - of even joy - to bring it up. Time just teaches you to accept it. Because there is literally nothing to do about it.

And let’s face it- God does not help.

What we can do is hang on to the blessings he has thrown our way (which are many, and I am thankful for those).

Relish the miracle of being with those we love, and recognize the good fortune to be able to do things that bring meaning and value to our lives.

Being taxed by taxes

Tax time!! And I am anxious and irritated as always.

What were taxes meant for? So that we contribute to help the community, build infrastructure, and strengthen our country. And maybe have something to lean on when we need to.

I have no problem paying my share. But it irritates me to shell out hard-earned money knowing it is benefiting people who need no relief whatsoever.It makes it easier when you see taxes at work—not to give a break to the super-rich but to help those who need a hand.

So here goes: I am happy to pay taxes in India. I know people who have benefited from government programs. A widow who gets a pension just because she needs it. Her husband never had a proper job, and she never worked. They never paid into any 'social security'. The security in this 'third-world' country is so much better than in my adopted country.

The useless enforced 'social security' that my husband paid into all his life, he could never use. And I cannot claim it till I have lived long enough for the stupid arbitrarily decided age. Here in India, we have free hospitals and free schools (quality of education is a different topic) for those who have no other resources. Twelve kilos of rice are given per individual for a token amount of Rs 12 for families who live below poverty level (which is very low). In my state, buses are free for women. All women, going anywhere, anytime.

This is being responsible. This is what governments are for. Yes, there will be corruption, there will be unacceptable political deals; but in general, our government must work for all people, and especially for those who cannot be heard. If this is the much-maligned socialism, I am all for it.

So as I pay my dues to the two countries I love, there is only one I willingly accept being taxed by. 

Existing, surviving or living?

Another year has ended. It is fascinating how every end really is just another beginning. A day ends as night begins, a flower dies to bring forth fruit. 2024 finishes only to lead to 2025.

One could argue, in that line of thinking, that nothing actually ends. It just changes into a new form. The sad part is that some things actually do not change at all; greed, strife, stress, oppression, hunger - all remain in the world. But so does love, compassion, friendships, and rainbows.

The imporatant question is how we have lived  the past year. Have we existed, survived, or lived?

When we have simply done our routine chores, however perfectly, we have only existed. Gotten out of bed on time, done our daily duties at home or at work, ended the day as planned. Even if we were at peace, we have simply been existing. But that linear existence is still better than surviving.

Some of us have gone through the year from one challenge to the next, sometimes accomplishing the impossble, sometime succumbing to life's trials. Persisting through losses and wins, we have simply been surviving.

Most of us have gone through the days of 2024 between these states - existing or surviving. We have all (mostly) had the relative calm of existing day-to-day, broken by the highs of success, and the lows of surviving exacting circumstances.

How many of us can claim to have been living 2024? We have only lived when we have made the choice and the effort to do what brings value to our lives. Sometimes there is a cost of time, money, or strength. But whatever the cost, the reward is immense. 

Did we live in 2024? Did we meet friends, help a stranger, renew relationships? Did we take time to be nice to ourselves, indulge, and expend for our own joy? When it comes to living, it is always through a conscious effort. It is not the unthinking dropping of a tip, it is a measured output from your budget to help someone with a hands-up. It is not a regular coffee with a regular friend, it is that making time for a friend who needs the company. It is not sending a well-meaning 'happy birthday' text, it is the effort to go  meet and celebrate when you can.

 We will relish many days of existing in 2025, we will be surviving many days in 2025, hopefully with success. But we must, if we are to live at all, learn living each day, in whatever way we can.

Miss Universe

The Miss Universe pageant this year was … well, like every year past. Most of the girls were beautiful, all of them were perfectly put together. 

The gorgeous winner from Denmark represented exactly what the whole show is about- shallow pageantry. Which is fine. I enjoy the glitter and glamour. I like to see how a good dress, fabulously done make-up and good lighting makes for eye-candy. What infuriates me is the way they try to portray the show to be something meaningful. 

Blessedly we do not hear how ‘world peace’ will be accomplished by the contestants anymore. This year we heard Miss Universe tell us how we should never give up and change ourselves., and it will make it all better.

How entitled can one be?? How clueless to suffering around the world?? She must to have had a great life to be fortunate enough to make that facile declaration so joyously. 

Poverty, famine, war, oppression- yeah, let’s not give up. Just be strong and you will find clean water and food. And the cure for cancer while we are at it. Let’s change ourselves so that terrorists don’t drop bombs on us.

I was happy to see the gorgeous finalists in those Facebook reels. Each of the five could have carried the crown. I was impressed. Until I unmuted the reel and heard Miss Denmark.,

She is beautiful. But that is it- she is a beauty queen. Don’t tell us that she knows or can do anything more than that. 

Sleepless night rambling on faith

 It’s 3:40 AM. I had a long nap in the day so I am up staring at the ceiling tonight. Had a snack, a calming tea, played futilely at a jigsaw. It is also a good time to pray. But I don’t.

Your belief system is what makes you YOU. Because faith, whatever the religion, is as unique as the individual. It can range from a general quiet thankfulness for being alive, to an intense fixation on the dos and donts of the doctrine.

Faith, I think, is of three types:

1. Faith of love. When you believe that God created everything in love, does only good for you, and listens to your calls.

2. Faith of despair. When you need that Power desperately. You call.on God for help constantly, and you hope (and still believe) that there will be a tangible improvement in your situation.

3. Faith of loss. When you stop your praying and pleading. But you still go through the basic motions of your faith to try and avoid hell. And this is where I am. Those of you who cannot relate - you are more blessed than you know.

What you have today

How does one combat depression? I am not talking of mental illness that requires clinical, professional help. I am talking of those feelings of of helpless frustration and sorrowful ennui and hopelesnness that plague all of us - sometimes for a day, sometimes for years like a low-grade fever. It is the result not of chemical imbalance or major psychological issues, but simply the result of life's blows on your soul.

The general happy solutions do help: time spent with close friends, an outing with new acquaintances, soemthing that forces unbidden laughter, a good cup of coffee, forest bathing, or working on a hobby.

What is important is you rediscover yourself - either from your younger days ( or should I say older days?), or from yesterday when you smiled more easily. A quote by Marcus Aurelius hit me the other day: "Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now take what's left and live it properly." It is not just an exhortation to live life fully in the present; it tells us that the boons and banes of the past are now disconnected from your life, and it is only what you do today (with today's joys and pains) that matters.

I never cared for the night sky till my daughter forced me to point out and explain stars to her. I always thought it was the domain of 'smart and lucky' astronomers. But the shine in her eyes that the first time, and the joy she derives from looking up at the stars even today, has made the night sky a priceless part of living. You could look up and lament that you are not 'up there', as I used to before, or be here and relish what is given. The stars are there for everyone. You just have to recalibrate how you look at it.

Fate is what comes to you, and living requires you accept and live with it. Not 'deal with it' or fight it or fix it. Just live it. If you keep looking at life through a prism of what it brings, of what we become, of what we have, and what we need, it is bound to disappoint. And then those feelings - of life giving you only punches - come up to suffocate you. Life gives you both roses and thorns; but you get what you look at most. Joy is not around the corner after you pay off something, or after you buy a house, or when you get that job. Joy is here, you need to switch it on within you. It certainly is not as easy as it sounds. But it is the only way to be happy: now, here, for, and with yourself.

Social media is for social connections

I am quite sick of people vilifying social media.

It is a platform for you to use as you deem fit. Maybe it shows you what you don't want to accept in yourself. Jealousy? Over-competitiveness? It is not Facebook's fault. It is yours. 

Love seeing baby elephants frolicking in a tub of water? You would feel the same way whether it was online or right in front of you.

The connection and accessibility social media provides is a blessing. Period. I find it amazing that I can share good moments (and tips) with people I care about. Good food, roses, new plans. And, also reach out for help with lizards in the house!

Obviously, everybody's life is so much more than what their timeline shows. What a person puts up on their social platform is a minuscule vignette of their journey that they want to share with friends. Being a friend on Facebook is as much a privilege as being one in real life.

I delight in the joy of seeing my neighbor from across the lake wave at me when we are both reveling in the miracle of a full rainbow, but the same joy fills my heart when I share photos of the same rainbow with friends I connect with only online. If there are those in my 'Friends' list who are not happy seeing me enjoy whatever it is I am sharing, or not commiserating with what I am complaining about, then those are names I need to delete not only from my list, but also from my life. 

The internet is a priceless tool for.... well, just about everything. I can tweet to get the attention of the courier service that's not responding to calls, or I can tweet to eviscerate someone unnecessarily. The internet and social media have made finding things much easier - the good and the bad.  Find the story behind a Bernini sculpture, or find pornography. 

You can connect with wonderful people, but you can also come across the criminal and the insane. I do feel though, that it is so much safer when it is just online. The real danger is not the internet, it is actual contact with someone with malicious intent. 

The internet has not made the world dangerous. it has just brought its dangers into the light and the imperative need to address them. Social media does not make people unhappy, it drives the need to define our own happiness. It does not alienate. It can be invaluable means to fight the loneliness modern lifestyle brings about. The onus is on us to recognize and utilize our unique place in it. 

Humanity and society can grow and progress in wonderful new ways if we can all use social media for what it was made for - being social. 

Relationships

 Relationships are lovely, strange, and unique. They define our humanity, they are the glue that cements our civilization. Whether it is a friend, a colleague, a sibling, or a spouse, the relationship is only as supportive, or as restrictive, as you allow it to be.

Let's get this straight: being needed is not the same as being loved. It may be enough for you and maybe even what you want, but do not confuse compromise for contentment.

I have seen so much confusion and misconception among some of my friends that I needed to put my views forth.

Any alliance, is at its core, a deal. If you do something that your partner likes, there has to be something he/she does for you. This is the basis of all human bonds. It is more than a tit-for-tat. It is an unspoken, unbreakable, unambiguous, unchanging rule. That is why we invented 'thank you'. A person who respects that connection - fleeting or long-term - responds with at least a verbal acknowledgement of the favor or kindness shown.

The stronger the relationship, the stronger the need for this give-and-take. A thank you is inadequate when you are close - through regular interactions, blood or soul. That kind of relationship requires a display of caring and love continually. It comes unbidden and with ease when there is love. The smallest demonstration of love is letting be who you are, and giving you the space to do what you want to. Sometimes, it might be something only you like. You should not feel that you have to cook for your family, it should be because you want to. You should not travel with someone because you feel like you have no choice. Whether it is with a friend, a spouse, or a child, you should be choosing the when and the where together.

If a friend is around only to party with you, and never to cheer you up, that is not a relationship you should nurture. Just because your partner keeps you around to do the chores that need to be done, it is not caring. If he decides on loud TV when you want to sleep, he is not your best friend; in fact, he is no friend at all. If you are the only company he has, make sure it is his choice, not his need. And that the relationship is your choice, not your desperation. 

Friends who make me, me

This morning I got up feeling a little un-human. That is the only way I can describe it - no motivation though not depression, no joy though not sadness, no hopefulness though not hopelessness. And mostly, and most importantly for me - no connectedness, no empathy. It must be horrible to be an uncaring person if this is what it feels like. 

The sun still shines on the rippling water, the dragonflies flit about the overgrown grass - and I looked on without being stirred. It was deeper than just needing my morning cup of tea. I felt stagnant though not stuck.

I am so blessed to have amazing, extraordinary, smart, caring people I call my friends wherever I have been. Friends who have been there for me through good times and bad, in need and in fun. Friends who have defined where home is.

Today, I am especially missing my friends in New Jersey, and their warmth and wisdom. That is the thing with friends of your soul: one does not need to have long conversations. A salaam was always enough. Being wrapped in their deep faith and genuine kindness was solace enough. 

Every day I got back from Nooruliman School, I felt I was a slightly improved verison of myself. And that is what I am lacking today - improvement and growth.

It got me thinking of how everything is always right for you. Mostly, at least. As long there is full freedom, a good amount of health, and the required amount of wealth, it is all perfect for you. I hated everything about New Jersey - the weather, the driving, the jug handles, the smells, the dull look of the sky, the culture and attitude. But that is where I worked with some of the best women I will ever know. Friends who bring a smile whenever I think of them, and who helped me this morning through a dead awakening even though they are not around. 

 It is one of life's most enduring truths: it is the people in your life that define your living, both present and future. It is the family, friends, and even those that simply exist by your side, that make your life.

At our best, or our worst?

I believe that we are defined by the lowest version of ourselves. We are what we do and say when we have no props or filters. Everyone is wonderful when there is someone to please, or when company (or camera) demands we do things with propriety. 

Our genuine selves are evident only when we interact with (or are affected by) what we do not like. Our core self comes to the fore easily when we are in a position of power- whether to give or help or make a difference - and when there are no consequences expected for us.

Smiling and talking politely to only a certain group of people does not make one a cordial person.  Graciousness has to be a constant, independent of whom it is directed at. If you are not civil to everyone, you are not civil. If you not generous to all, irrespective of their station in society, you are not generous. Altruism is not subjective. If kindness is not universally applied, it’s not kind.

If one has robbed someone of what was rightfully theirs- one is  a criminal. Period. Caught or not. Punished or not. Remorseful or not. Whether the person is a good cook, a smart dresser, is kind to dogs - it does not matter. The negative burden of the wrongdoing is not reduced by being less evil to another.

We are only as nice as we are when we don’t want to be. We are only as calm as when we are stirred to our soul. We are only as faithful as we are at the pits of belief. We are only as strong as we are in our weakest moments. 

I am sure I am pleasant when I am happy. Catch me when I am struggling with my humanity - and then you will know me. 

Look Away From Fear

I am not a psychologist, or a guru, or even a student of any related field. But this I have learned ‒ there is nothing in this world as debilitating as fear. The more unreasonable it is, the more it clamps down on your soul. We are yet to comprehend the power of thought. What we think, happens. I am not venturing into manifestation of physical reality through thought, though I am certain it is possible. I do believe that we unconsciously brighten or darken the world around us all the time.

Pretty self-evident, right? Thought, to action, to effect. But our thoughts affect ourselves more than we realize. We are what we believe; we do what we think we should. We can think ourselves into happiness or into sorrow. We can turn our day around by making ourselves feel differently with intention. The banality of having the need for a good coffee has deeper connotations!

But real thought, the most powerful feeling, lies deep within our psyche. It is the compassion that we feel for the suffering of another; it is the obstinate hope for a better day; it is unbidden joy in someone’s smile. It is the unthinking reaching out in a crisis to God, or family, or a friend. It is fascination for a colour, and the revulsion of a sound. It is the memory associated with a smell.

We develop this core of thought throughout our lives. Life events shake and reorganize it ‒ and change us ‒ continually. When principles and beliefs are strengthened, so are we. When not, fear creeps in and takes over. It is not that we will cower in the dark, or run around screaming. Unconscious fear creates doubt insidiously. Doubt in our core abilities, doubt in our control of the future, or of the present.
By its very definition, fear is illogical and therefore uncontrollable. When you cannot make a decision, the fear is not of making the wrong one; it is the underlying fear of everything going wrong. Sometimes not wanting to start your day is not about depression, it is the fear that it might bring what you cannot deal with. At its worst, a simple act of buying an outfit becomes a journey through a series scenarios of all that could go wrong from purchase to wearing.

Like glowing eyes in a dark forest, fear holds your focus.

Until you look away.

I find it best to ignore it as best I can. But even to ignore something, you have to acknowledge it is there. Bring it out of unconscious thought. Know it’s there, but do not listen to it. Like a lot of nasty, fanatical, fear-mongering idiots out there, not paying attention to your fears makes them ineffective. Do the opposite of what the fear is threatening. Believe in the opposite of what that fearful thought portrays.

Our fear is not invincible, we are.

Not ok

 Nowadays every spiritual development book I read seems to tell us how everything is eventually ‘alright’. That just makes me angry.  First of all, ask the people in Gaza, Ukraine, and in many parts of Africa what difference spiritual strength makes. Ask people who are going bankrupt fighting their disease how it’s ok because “it’s meant to be”.

No, it’s not ok. It is not as it’s “meant to be”.  Wrong is wrong; Injustice has no redeeming qualities, not for the bearer and certainly not for the perpetrator. But it happens. 

The anguish of broken hopes is not right. When dreams are shattered, your soul is damaged. Permanently. There is no way it is good for you, or for the world around you. But it happens. More than we want it to, more than we expect it to. 

The pain of loss is not ‘for the best’. How can pain be for anyone’s betterment! It does not strengthen you (see my earlier write-up). Pain happens because what is gone — person, place or thing — is irreplaceable. Loss teaches you nothing, except that it happens, and that it hits you hard — expected or not, and whether the process of disengagement is slow or quick.

But, it happens. That is the only truth. That is the crux of the matter. We cannot, and should not, codone this defeatist attitude. We must not ignore, or even downplay, the grief. However much our knees give way, we have  to stand up for the what is left of us.

Where there is pain, let us heal by grabbing and spreading joy with friends and strangers alike. Where there is loss, let us try to repurpose our living to rebuild without what was. Where there is nothing ahead, let us course-correct, and be brave enough to look through the forest of doubts and fears to make our own path.

No, it’s not ok. But it happens. And every time we must find a way to deal with it. 

Home away from home

 It’s a beautiful day. I stand in my balcony with a soft breeze caressing my stress away. The cacophony of traffic does not diminish the songs of multiple birds. The peocock, the bulbul, the koyal, those tiny birds I barely catch sight of - all enjoying their space, all voicing their own songs. All, in my opinion, being Hyderabadi. 

Friends have asked me how I am happy when I stay away from my piece of heaven in Orlando.  I miss everything and everyone at home there, and cannot even begin to put words for the gratitude I feel. But there is a different energizing peace here I cannot articulate. 

There is an infectious joy in the energy of life here. This morning, I see children walking happily, and some unhappily, to school. I see my banana-seller wave to me as he pulls his cart away. The vegetable-seller increases the decibel of his sales-cry trying to catch my attention. Scooters meander on the road as they make way between moving and haphazardly-parked cars. 

I think it is the human connection here, in my city, that is unique. It is not just the neighbor you know, it’s not just the family you love, it’s not just the friends you cannot live without.  It is that traffic-cop who smiles back even at his thankless job, it is the onion-seller who puts two extra onions in your bag, it is the autowalla who nods an apology for almost taking out a headlight, it the valet at a restaurant who recognizes your very-ordinary car and runs to greet you. Then of course, there is the food. That is an entirely different topic. And could be the sole reason for anyone never to leave. 

I know that, here, there is so much to improve, to clean, to fix. But there is also so much that never should change. And while I do long to be back home, I do need to be in my birthplace for a time too - just to remind me who I am.