Sunday, June 28, 2009

Spare the child, use the rod!

"Spare the rod, spoil the child". It is one of the few truisms that we have made the mistake of discarding. Spare me the scorn you might direct at me-but I do believe in that old adage.
I had written in an earlier article that parents are accountable for badly behaved children. They equally also deserve credit for well-behaved ones. Please understand that we need to distinguish between a terrified, withdrawn child and a polite child. Abuse of any degree is a horrendous, inexcusable crime, especially against children; and it is even more egregious when committed by the child's parents. But when you let a child bully other children, or stamp his feet in public , or yell out invectives, letting him get away with such behaviour is abuse. Letting your children watch TV all day weekend long with a bag of chips while you sleep is abuse (yes, I know of someone who does exactly this) How do I define abuse? Of course, criminally cruel actions, or inaction, are definitely abuse. But the worst, and sadly the most ignored, abuse a child can endure is neglect. Not getting a child to finish homework is abuse; disregarding a child's fear of sleeping alone is abuse too. Extending this line of thinking, ignoring a child's tantrum, or indulging it, is abuse too. A sharp quick slap on the back just as he or she starts yelling in public is parental prerogative. Nay, it is a responsibility. And frankly, it is a duty of aunts and elder siblings if the parent is too self-involved to notice the child's behaviour. I do not mean one neds to deliver a stinging slap. You do not have to hurt the child. A quick, sharp slap on the shin is enough to tell the child that he or she has crossed limits.
Children who have been brought up with proper discipline turn out be better-adjusted adults. And discipline often requires more than the lame 'time-outs' that are so prevalent in modern society. Everyone has to face life the way it is handed to them. A child needs to learn to accept rejection, to understand that they may be underdogs at some point in life; and life is certainly not fair. The emotional tools they need have to be developed in childhood-and if a smack once in while helps them, so be it. They learn to control impulses. They learn to deal with conflicting emotions. They learn to accept that not everything in life will go their way. Teaching them that they cannot always have their way helps them deal with issues that are bound to come up in life.
So what do we as parents and adults in a child's life need to do?
I believe children have been entrusted to us. It is a tremendous responsibility. We answer not only to the little individuals we help rear, but also to the society that they will be a part of. I am disgusted with people who produce children only to have the pleasure of having a baby to cuddle or to 'experience' pregnancy. How can one trivialize such a major decision in life? Caring for a child does not merely mean sacrificing time, sleep, and myriad other little things that may have been a regular part of life until then. One needs to sacrifice a lot of impulse living- and learn to give priority to the many, many, needs of a little one for a long, long time.
Yes, it is easier to give the kid a lollipop so I can continue shopping in peace, but it certainly is not good for him to believe he can whine his way to get one. Yes, it may seem heartless to smack the 3- year old when he continues to throw everything off the table, but that he is what he needs to know. Every one has to learn to live by rules of civility and if the consequence has to be learnt with a firm slap on the back of the palm, do it!
We have coddled our children to the point where they cannot control their own impulses. Over-indulgence of children is rampant in today's generation, and it does not bode well for the next. What kind of a society will it be when people are unable to deal with disappointment or cannot have the instant gratification they have been used to? How can they grow as people if all they have learnt is to take care of their needs, at whatever cost they come?And it is not love that makes us do it. It is plain selfishness. It is so much easier letting children run helter-skelter and pretend to be a soft-hearted, indulgent parent (and look very dumb!). I know its sounds harsh, but only animals live by instinct. And even most of them have very strict rules on how far their babies stray!
There is a reason Humanity has developed society. Successful societies are what define the progress of civilization. Let us be aware that we are answerable to future societies that we are raising today. Hitting a future member of that society for snatching a friend's toy for the third time maybe the most important legacy we leave!



Sunday, June 7, 2009

Equitable Equality

I am sure the people who brought us affirmative action were thinking for the good of all us. There is no doubt that they had the best of intentions. I would even agree that affirmative action has really helped.

But enough now. It is a different world today, thank God. Affirmative action was essentially to ensure justice, to vouchsafe everyone the chance, and yes, maybe even that little push, to succeed.

"The terms affirmative action and positive action refer to policies that take race, ethnicity, or gender into consideration in an attempt to promote equal opportunity. The focus of such policies ranges from employment and education to public contracting and health programs. The impetus towards affirmative action is twofold: to maximize diversity in all levels of society, along with its presumed benefits, and to redress perceived disadvantages due to overt, institutional, or involuntary discrimination." This is how Wikipedia.com describes Affirmative Action. An attempt to promote equal opportunity. Operative term - 'EQUAL'.

And now its time to be fair again. Everyone is equal, and everyone needs to be treated that way. Let us all start off on the same footing. You should not get the job because of your ethnicity, but because you are the perfect candidate. How can it be any kind of encouragement to know that you got to be where you are because of some quirk of fate? That you are unfairly reaping the rewards for the past pains of those in your community?

Imagine a situation where two positions are open at a level. And it happens that people of two different races are appointed. It is going to be very difficult for them to consider the other an equal if even one of them thinks he or she got the position (even in part) because of the color of their skin. It is not fair to either to them to be placed in that position.

In India we have the curse of 'Reservation'. A certain percentage of all government jobs, and admissions to government colleges, are reserved for members of backward classes (yes, that is exactly what they are officially called! A classic example of adding insult to injury). Initially established after Independence for 10 years, it has become a political tool and has been renewed every time it has come for review. The Mandal Commission in 1979 was set up to assess the situation of the socially and educationally backward. The commission used the 1930 census figures for a sub-caste, known as the 'Other Backward Classes' and classified 1,257 communities as backward! The OBC population is now at 52% !!! You have to be really unlucky not to be classified into a quota. And if you do crack that entrance exam fully - just pray some OBC does not decide to throw in an application as well.

No one in India is an Untouchable anymore. Why are we still holding onto the concept by discriminating between classes of ages ago? The caste system has been rightly eradicated. Why do we continue with the inequity by officially naming them 'Scheduled Castes and Tribes'. How can that be right? If Gandhi was alive today he would have it stricken off right away.

Mira Kumar recently became the Speaker of the Lok Sabha of India. I am happy she got the position on the basis of what she as accomplished in her political career and not just because she was born into a 'classified' family. She deserves the respect she will so readily get now - from every class of people.

Isn't that what we should aim for - a level playing field for all?

What we need is incentives for people who have made it - or are trying to. Free education for the poor. Special scholarships or grants and awards for the sections of society that need the affirmative action or the reservations. But we should not be handing them something they have not earned. I cannot think of a worse way to humiliate a whole section of population!

On a practical level reservation/affirmative action does not even facilitate growth of that particular community. I believe it does just the opposite. It becomes a way to keep them down even more - since they know they can get by by doing almost nothing. In India, a scheduled caste candidate can fail at an exam and still get the seat in a medical school. So not only have you taught a child never to work to pass any exam ever again, you have probably ruined the hopes of so many others who have struggled and received an A, yet will not get that seat. And of course the risk to patients who will be going to a doctor who could not even pass his entrance! How can it ever be right, in any way?

Programs that are designed to differentiate on any other criteria except merit can only be deleterious to the health of society. They add more wrongs to replace the old injustices. Negating merit is not going to engender reconciliation or growth.

It is a fact that no community is less than or better than the other. Why do we keep endorsing the opposite view by continuing to reserve quotas? Should not all of us repudiate any suggestion of difference between one man from another?

A lot of us need help and encouragement, as individuals and as a community. But it serves no one to set a special set of goodies aside for any particular person. It is not just, and it is certainly not encouragement.

Why I Write

This blog is an attempt to bring out a new twist on accepted notions of society. It is an attempt to get the reader to take off the tinted glasses and look at the world with fresh eyes. If you agree with the ideas of this blog, and think anew, I would consider myself successful. If you do not agree with the thoughts on this blog and cement your own notions, it still made you think, and my work is done.
Look at the world with a refractive lens. The truth will stand out.


If you like my blog, you might want to check out my book for children-

Enchanting Fables (PublishAmerica)