Look Away From Fear

I am not a psychologist, or a guru, or even a student of any related field. But this I have learned ‒ there is nothing in this world as debilitating as fear. The more unreasonable it is, the more it clamps down on your soul. We are yet to comprehend the power of thought. What we think, happens. I am not venturing into manifestation of physical reality through thought, though I am certain it is possible. I do believe that we unconsciously brighten or darken the world around us all the time.

Pretty self-evident, right? Thought, to action, to effect. But our thoughts affect ourselves more than we realize. We are what we believe; we do what we think we should. We can think ourselves into happiness or into sorrow. We can turn our day around by making ourselves feel differently with intention. The banality of having the need for a good coffee has deeper connotations!

But real thought, the most powerful feeling, lies deep within our psyche. It is the compassion that we feel for the suffering of another; it is the obstinate hope for a better day; it is unbidden joy in someone’s smile. It is the unthinking reaching out in a crisis to God, or family, or a friend. It is fascination for a colour, and the revulsion of a sound. It is the memory associated with a smell.

We develop this core of thought throughout our lives. Life events shake and reorganize it ‒ and change us ‒ continually. When principles and beliefs are strengthened, so are we. When not, fear creeps in and takes over. It is not that we will cower in the dark, or run around screaming. Unconscious fear creates doubt insidiously. Doubt in our core abilities, doubt in our control of the future, or of the present.
By its very definition, fear is illogical and therefore uncontrollable. When you cannot make a decision, the fear is not of making the wrong one; it is the underlying fear of everything going wrong. Sometimes not wanting to start your day is not about depression, it is the fear that it might bring what you cannot deal with. At its worst, a simple act of buying an outfit becomes a journey through a series scenarios of all that could go wrong from purchase to wearing.

Like glowing eyes in a dark forest, fear holds your focus.

Until you look away.

I find it best to ignore it as best I can. But even to ignore something, you have to acknowledge it is there. Bring it out of unconscious thought. Know it’s there, but do not listen to it. Like a lot of nasty, fanatical, fear-mongering idiots out there, not paying attention to your fears makes them ineffective. Do the opposite of what the fear is threatening. Believe in the opposite of what that fearful thought portrays.

Our fear is not invincible, we are.

Not ok

 Nowadays every spiritual development book I read seems to tell us how everything is eventually ‘alright’. That just makes me angry.  First of all, ask the people in Gaza, Ukraine, and in many parts of Africa what difference spiritual strength makes. Ask people who are going bankrupt fighting their disease how it’s ok because “it’s meant to be”.

No, it’s not ok. It is not as it’s “meant to be”.  Wrong is wrong; Injustice has no redeeming qualities, not for the bearer and certainly not for the perpetrator. But it happens. 

The anguish of broken hopes is not right. When dreams are shattered, your soul is damaged. Permanently. There is no way it is good for you, or for the world around you. But it happens. More than we want it to, more than we expect it to. 

The pain of loss is not ‘for the best’. How can pain be for anyone’s betterment! It does not strengthen you (see my earlier write-up). Pain happens because what is gone — person, place or thing — is irreplaceable. Loss teaches you nothing, except that it happens, and that it hits you hard — expected or not, and whether the process of disengagement is slow or quick.

But, it happens. That is the only truth. That is the crux of the matter. We cannot, and should not, codone this defeatist attitude. We must not ignore, or even downplay, the grief. However much our knees give way, we have  to stand up for the what is left of us.

Where there is pain, let us heal by grabbing and spreading joy with friends and strangers alike. Where there is loss, let us try to repurpose our living to rebuild without what was. Where there is nothing ahead, let us course-correct, and be brave enough to look through the forest of doubts and fears to make our own path.

No, it’s not ok. But it happens. And every time we must find a way to deal with it. 

Home away from home

 It’s a beautiful day. I stand in my balcony with a soft breeze caressing my stress away. The cacophony of traffic does not diminish the songs of multiple birds. The peocock, the bulbul, the koyal, those tiny birds I barely catch sight of - all enjoying their space, all voicing their own songs. All, in my opinion, being Hyderabadi. 

Friends have asked me how I am happy when I stay away from my piece of heaven in Orlando.  I miss everything and everyone at home there, and cannot even begin to put words for the gratitude I feel. But there is a different energizing peace here I cannot articulate. 

There is an infectious joy in the energy of life here. This morning, I see children walking happily, and some unhappily, to school. I see my banana-seller wave to me as he pulls his cart away. The vegetable-seller increases the decibel of his sales-cry trying to catch my attention. Scooters meander on the road as they make way between moving and haphazardly-parked cars. 

I think it is the human connection here, in my city, that is unique. It is not just the neighbor you know, it’s not just the family you love, it’s not just the friends you cannot live without.  It is that traffic-cop who smiles back even at his thankless job, it is the onion-seller who puts two extra onions in your bag, it is the autowalla who nods an apology for almost taking out a headlight, it the valet at a restaurant who recognizes your very-ordinary car and runs to greet you. Then of course, there is the food. That is an entirely different topic. And could be the sole reason for anyone never to leave. 

I know that, here, there is so much to improve, to clean, to fix. But there is also so much that never should change. And while I do long to be back home, I do need to be in my birthplace for a time too - just to remind me who I am.