Step Back

I do not mean to sound audacious, but I just thought I need to try and put in writing something special this mother's day. Far be it for me to assume that there was anything extraordinary in my mothering. But there may be something there that I have such a perfect child! I will not even attempt to define myself as a mother. Good or bad, it will be only my daughter's prerogative to write about.
I will not even presume to talk about sons - because I do not have one. I believe that with a son it is an entirely different dynamic.
I will just put across some insight that I have gleaned along the way. It was not premeditated, or even contrived. Its something that just worked for me. I hope someone can learn from it - and be able to have the same joy I have everyday of having a daughter for a best friend.
For one thing, never get involved in your child's life, especially after she hits teenage. Sounds terrible, but think about it. I have seen too many mothers trying to ensure that their daughters have the perfect life. They will fight the fights, direct every move. Well-meaning of course, but severely damaging to the relationship. The child is her own person. She has, and always will have, her own world. You do not belong there. Her friends, music, even studies, are in a realm that you have left; yours was in a different time - and in all probability a different place too! Oh yes, she belongs in your world. Do not force yourself into a door that never really was yours to open. The only door you can open is to YOUR own life. You may not belong in that new domain she has, but she of course belongs in yours. Do not close that to her. Let your child be a part of your space. Don't ask about her friends; tell her about yours. Do not try and inveigle an invitation to her parties, let her come with you to yours. Do not badger her about her dreams - they are yet nascent. Tell her about yours, both the shattered and the burgeoning. The capital of experiences she will build by learning through your trials and successes will help her through life.
Another thing I have learnt (the easy way - by just listening to my daughter!). Time is important. Not its passing, or its utilization. Your time with her. A lot of time simply wasted in 'quality time together', 'learning time,' 'bonding time'. She does not need that! She just needs you to watch that horrendous movie with her (even if all you do is mindlessly criticize the whole time!) Or share a cupcake( or two) with her. Simply, just that.

Do not misinterpret the fallback that I am advocating as a lack of responsibility. You have to be there - always, with the smile and the hug of course, but also with the stern eye and the big lecture. I am not going to talk of morals, ethics or principles - because it is what you have that she will pick up - whether you like it or not. And as she grows she may just as well discard yours for her own!
Just be there, accepting, but non-intrusive, and then step back and let her take wing. You will delight in the individual she becomes. It is simple wisdom I wanted to share. But then, is wisdom ever simple?

The other day, my daughter was talking to me about something she read in Spanish. She was explaining to me this concept of "indirect education" - educacio'n indirecta. It is about the learning accumulated outside of the classroom, through life, and through what she calls your 'sociosphere'.

It got me thinking about how important this subliminal learning is - and how we rarely even understand that we are learning- all the time, everywhere. I am sure that we are more impressionable when we are not being taught directly.

And of course that led me to draw my own new (and possibly, to you, weird conclusions). Have you noticed how people are always looking to others for their own self- image? It seems all-important to them that others like what they are wearing, - whether or not they themselves do. There is this overwhelming need to be 'the same' as everyone else. It used to unnerve me initially when I encountered it here. Yes, I have never seen this fear of being different in any other place. It is surprising that 'fitting in' is the mantra of kids in a country which is synonymous with the word ' freedom' . It is here, sadly, that I see people chained by the one thing they imagine to be acceptable.

What to wear, how to move, how much to weigh, what to eat, where to go, what (or who) to carry... the list goes on. Everything has to 'approved' by some magazine or some star, or the group you belong to. The disease is prevalent across generations and gender. Of course you can place blame on many things - a greedy media, unrealistically proportioned dolls, the breakdown of the family structure. And I do believe all of the mentioned contribute to the shaken confidence so prevalent in this economically developed society.

But the primary reason is the breakdown of a sense of psychological structure. And this breakdown is because of there are no lucid rules to base them on. I do not refer to the rules and laws of the land, for they are wonderfully sound in this country (at least comparatively). I am talking about the rules of social behaviour; of the subconscious messages that we all get and understand as we grow up. The change of tone of an adult when he or she is talking to someone of a different skin color, the look of longing in a friend's face when she looks at an expensive bag, the TV anchor who stands just right in that jacket (Is it the jacket that makes her look so stylish?). Teachers sidestep telling parents that the child needs a smack across his head. What kind of message is the child getting? The he/she does not deserve that smack on the head, whatever he/she does. Neighbours cannot yell at kids for misbehaving on the streets. Message to the child - 'Do whatever you want out of sight of the proper authority, and you can get away with it'. You cannot call an ineffectual idiot exactly that because you could get sued. Message - 'Mediocrity is protected'. We are so caught up with the projected lives of celebrities and the very rich, that the message we usually get is that we do not matter. Even to ourselves, our own ideas become unimportant. Eventually, our ideals lose value. Sometimes the social messages we imbibe are not even aligned with the direct instructions we are given - and that results in the the lack of proper framework in our thinking. We hear that money is not the means to happiness, that it cannot be a yardstick of success. But then the admiration for money we see all around tells us that it is all-important. The indirect message we may get is that getting it in whatever way we can, ethical or not, is acceptable.

And that is where we loosen the scaffolding of our personality, of our psychological structure. Eventually we are giving mixed messages by trying to be politically correct, or at least legally proper. And everyone is simply confused, weak, lame. Impressionable minds latch onto anything that seems to them strong or successful. If they think the girl strutting around on stage wearing nothing larger than a handkerchief, looks happy and confident, that is what they will ape. There is that very empty space in their minds that needs to be filled - and the reigning image is what fills it.

There is nothing wrong in wanting the same kind of great shoes you saw someone wear, or that handbag that is a new craze. However, its disturbing when a woman, who to all intents and purposes has made a success of her life, ties herself into knots to try and be sartorially 'right'.(yes; and me for one, had no idea what was wrong in the clean, modest, well-fitting apparel she was wearing). If the image of yourself is entirely dependent on what you see of others, then the best way to solve such problems is to carry cans of paint, and color yourself to match everyone else. Even that will not work. Happiness is never going to be the end result when it is totally reliant on what you assume others must see in you.

So what is the solution?

Well, like almost everythign in life, it is easier said than done. We need to build the framework of our psychological structure from within ourselves. To think for ourselves, to acknowldege our own wants, weaknesses and strengths. First step? We need to embrace our own unique individuality. Of course we all cannot be the same. We need to accept that our likes and needs are definitely not going to be the same as our neighbour's, or even our best friend's. And if we cannot accept that of ourselves, it is nearly impossible to accept it of others.

So let us build our internal structure of hopes and principles by oursleves, dependent on only our own compasses. And let us be conscious and careful of what we portray of oursleves.It should be just that - ourselves.