Civility is kindness, compassion, decorum, and propriety of action and expression. It is the best of virtues in all its forms. Aristotle once said “It is not enough to know about virtue but we must try to have and use it”, and so it is with all facets of civility. Everyone knows what is right, but not everyone practices it. Just as it is enough for good to do nothing to allow evil to win, all it takes to be rude is to not be polite. I believe that we are defined not by our background, education or occupation but by our behavior. Human society is based on interactions – social or otherwise – and civility must be the basis of all such interplay. I try to maintain this civility in all aspects of my deportment, from my tone of voice to my responses to strange queries. It is one of the most important principles of my moral compass.
Our society today is disturbingly rude. It is a sad comment on ourselves that we see so many unsmiling faces, even those familiar to us. Aggression is looked upon as strength, and politeness is considered akin to weakness. However, the real weakness is an appalling ignorance of the power of civility. Politeness does not mean that we should not hold a view; it only means that that view should be expounded without giving another person reason to be offended. What courtesy adds to the argument is that little magic that makes certain the opinion will be taken in the best way possible, because it is delivered in the best way possible.
Rutgers is a large family. It is like having a last name one can connect with. I feel this bond wherever I go – while at campus lunching with other rushed students, or at the airport chatting with the immigration officer who recognized my Rutgers sweatshirt, or feeling a connection when I see the red “R”s on cars I share the highway with. If we cannot be civil within this family, then there is something greatly lacking in our education. Once we have also learned to “practice respect, restraint, concern, and benevolence”, as P.M. Forni says in his book Choosing Civility, then we have inculcated proper behavior for the rest of our lives. And that is the most important thing we can carry to the rest of the world (Forni, P20).
But to be able to carry it to the rest of the world, we need to have imbibed it within ourselves. Like everything that is genuine, civility begins from one’s soul. Our actions have to be predicated on thoughtfulness. Civility has to have deep meaning for ourselves to have any significance at all for someone else. Even regular etiquette is derived from intent to please. Proper placement of forks on the table becomes a facile facade if it is not to make its usage easier. Decor becomes ostentatious if it is more for exhibition than for pleasure. Similarly, our behavior has to have bearing to our own conscience, for only then will it have any meaning to the outside world.
Civility ensures that our social environment is pleasant. At its very basic, civility is being considerate and unselfish. It is the proper decorum of greeting people we accost. It is saying thank you, please or excuse me. It is holding the door for the person following us into the mall. It is a show of genuine gratitude for favors asked and unasked, or a concern for acquaintances close and distant. The rules of civility require that we show our companions respect, whether they are present or absent, and consideration for those around us. Civility also demands that we accept another’s style of living. The maturity and magnanimity needed to recognize that this is a shared world is an integral part of being civil. For not only must we understand that there are myriad kinds of people living their different kinds of lives, we also need to respect those very differences.
At its most developed, civility is tolerance, understanding, and altruism. It takes a highly developed emotional intelligence to be able to put what one must do over what one wants to do. I really might not feel like smiling and saying hello to my classmates today, but etiquette demands that I acknowledge people I am acquainted with. I think the ultimate civility is being civil when others are not. There will always be times when we have to exhibit the right behavior with someone who does not even acknowledge a kindness.
So why should we be civil at all? In Choosing Civility, P.M. Forni puts it succinctly: “Good relationships make our life good, bad relationships make our life bad… To learn how to be happy we must learn how to live well with others and civility is the key to that… A training in civility is part of our basic training as social beings,” Forni tells us (Forni, P6). “First manners, then love” (Forni, P20).
There is no situation which civility does not improve. It may only be an option, but it is imperative that we take this option if we need to make any impact at all. When Alexander the Great defeated the Indian king Porus, he asked him how Porus would like to be treated. Hands in chains, Porus raised his head and said “As Kings would treat Kings”. Alexander, in a gesture of ultimate royal civility, released him and returned his lands to him. Today there is no sign of Macedonian control in India but Alexander’s Hindi name, “Sikander”, is a synonym for conqueror, or victor. His conduct earned a place for him in history and Indian culture that no statue or palace could have ensured. What better way is there to conquer a people than to rule their hearts for all time to come?
True civility is continual and independent of responses. It is something one does for oneself – because it says more about the person being civil than the recipient of the politeness. It is not genuine civility if our behavior changes with who it is directed towards, or because of a lack of polite reciprocation, or on our own moods. Civility is most effective when it is an inalienable part of our identity. Whether dealing with a stranger or close friends, the rules of civility have to be displayed always. Saying “thank you” to a superior and not bothering to thank subordinates is detrimental to our own sense of self-worth. Being more polite to someone who is better-dressed is, simply, egregiously bad behavior.
So how does one teach civility? I believe civility is taught, and learned, unconsciously. It is one of the very few things that are taught only by example. We have been told again and again to open doors for others, especially the elderly, and to give way to others, but it does not happen often enough. There are signs on Rutgers buses reminding us to give up our seats for those who need them more, but no one actually does it. However, it takes only one person’s courtesy to affect us, and make us want to show the same solicitude to others. When a girl got up to give her seat to a boy on crutches on my bus, there were others who made the same move a few minutes later. One kind act sets off a series of goodwill gestures. And even if it does not go that far, it certainly would have touched that one person who received the gesture. Civility, after all, arises from an inherent concern for others. And it is the manifestation of this concern that is imperative for all successful communities. It is the most polite, non-interfering way of saying “I care”.
A simple, civil act has the amazing effect of assuaging hurt and sweetening interactions. How many times has our anger been mellowed when the person who cut into our lane waves a thank you or sorry signal? When I say thank you to the cashier at the store, I am sure the cashier feels better about serving me than he or she would have felt if I had not taken a few breaths to be polite. Even I feel better about it. And therein lies the magic of civility: it makes a difference to the person being civil too. The practice of civility polishes one’s own deportment; it pleases others, and it pleases us. Drafting a course of life that is civil makes us a better person, helping us develop with every display of thoughtfulness. And there is no better way to improve the world than to change ourselves first.
After all, what defines our progress as a civilization is not our technology or the fancy dwellings we have built for ourselves. It was, and always will be, how we behave towards each other.
