I cannot deny I have a tremendous amount to be grateful for. Even right now, at this moment - the chai in my cup, the view from my window, the faculties that allow me to enjoy it, the amazing people as neighbours (for that is a major blessing) - I should be kneeling in awestruck thankfulness.
But I am not. This was not the goal, as I never thought it possible, and the path to this point in time was never actually clear. Its strange how we move in life towards something we are certain of, and land up somewhere else entirely.
And that is the point of living - the path. My path, like many others I assume, was rife with doubts, disappointments, fear and pain. Whatever peace I have now, thank God, it has come after traversing difficult trails. So it is coloured with the trials of past. How can it be otherwise?
The past can never left behind because living it has made us who we are. What we have gone through, good or bad, defines what we think of the future. And how we react in the present.
I do not believe in letting go of the past (it is quite impossible). I believe in accepting it, by cherishing the good and dealing with bad. It is not a 'lesson to learn', it is an experience you have lived. Period.
The brain does not differentiate between what is real and what is perceived, so every memory flash is actually happening again for you. Of course you can delight in happy memories anytime, but the bad ones sneak up too.
And sometimes they stay. When my daughter and I moved into this home, we realized after a year we were furnishing it only half-heartedly: not doing anything 'permanent' like putting nails in walls (so no wall décor) or finishing closets. After how our lives changed radically after losing my husband, both of us were working under the assumption that this would not last. That nothing nice stays forever.
But it does. It is always there in your heart and mind. From the joke that made you laugh uncontrollably and does not anymore, to the breakfast with family that has dwindled with time, it is all there. For you, and for everyone who remembers - that breakfast happens anytime they want it to, in their own unique remembrance.
And so does every slash on your heart that should have killed you. Nope, it does not make you stronger. A word, a situation, a smell, can bring that cascade of memories that recreate the trauma. You just keep getting better at dealing with it.
I do not see how the past will not matter in this world or the next. It happened. It may have passed, but it will always be there in your past. As much as you were there. Even being in Heaven is not going to undo it. Maybe there in the Hereafter we will be able to see beauty in the bad as we cherish the good parts again.
