Using force is not strength

Tell me if I am wrong - I think that women who are pushy and brash are just intolerably disgusting. And yes, specifically women. It is bad enough to see one of those 'feminists' who do not have the graces that our gender-identity is virtually predicated upon. There is something exceptionally disgraceful about a woman behaving as badly as an uncouth man (For my ideas on feminism, please see old blogs of 2008 such as Woman Be Thyself).

I had a parent of a bullying six-year-old girl explain to me that her behaviour was 'quite ok' because it was a reflection of how 'strong' she is. Then she had the gall to add that other girls might 'need to learn from her, quite frankly'. Quite frankly, on my part, it took a lot of self-control not to simply smack the ridiculous notion out of her head. Maybe then she would have known what a victim of aggression feels. Sadly, I had to smile and tell her about the evidently meaningless zero-tolerance school policy for bullying.

Somehow people tend to confuse glamour with greatness, money with success, success with contentment, and imitation with improvement. We associate actresses with emotional intelligence they sometimes so sorely lack. We point to to the rich as models for our children to follow, and predict that wealth will bring them the satisfaction of achievement. Women copy the roles of men, as if just making inroads into an all-male field is in itself a laudable goal. (really? A puerile 'what he can do, I can do better'?) Hillary Clinton is Superwoman, yes. But not because she challenged the status quo but because of who she is. Her confidence is due to her intelligence and values. Her aggressiveness is because of her success, not vice versa.

People are misled because the picture of strength we see around us does not tell the whole story.

And that brings me to the issue that really baffles me. How did we get to be so shallow as to even confuse strength with bluster? Our regular diet of TV shows portray successful people as mean, over-confident, brash personalities. Rudeness is made cool. Winning is all-important. I love the brilliantly rude Dr. House, and I even enjoy his mean humor. However, a child watching it might take away a lesson that it is perfectly alright to hurt someone as long as you are a recognized genius. Now that I have met the parent I spoke of, I am not sure if all adults have the maturity to handle these shows! Shows like Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives tell us that 'strong' and 'independent' women do whatever it takes to get what they want. But because our lives are not exactly scripted to entertain we imbibe overbearing pushiness to no avail.

And its not only the media. Aggressive drivers, who basically are downright stupid, are admired. The corporate world actually justifies horrendous competitive cannibalism by a trite 'its a dog eat dog world.' (Not if we don't play the game). Women who have reached the top become role models, notwithstanding the fact that they are recognized more for their highhandedness. Is Meg Whitman strong because she threw millions into a gubernatorial race just to get what she wanted? Or is it the single mother working two jobs, and still smiling at the end of the day? Who should we admire? Gandhi threw out the British without a mean word, let alone any 'show of force' (except of character). Would not anyone in the world find him strong?

So, what is strength? It is the maturity to know when it's wrong to join the crowd, even if you need to stand alone. It is the ability to stand up to injustice of course, but I believe it is also the ability to resist committing that injustice. It is the ability to overcome disadvantages of course, but it is also the ability to become an advantage to someone else. It is the perseverance to work towards your dream most ceratinly, but it is more so the maturity to accept that it may not work out exactly as planned. It is the ability to win, to help, and to be able to say, 'it is fine, I am me, no matter what'. There is more fortitude required to stop yourself from lashing out, than to give vent to anger. Real strength will pull people toward you, not push them away.

In this society of excess and ease, everything is readily available, and life is conveniently manageable. The detriment to this is that because we can manage without anyone's help, we tend to believe that we actually do not need anyone. With the pressure from everywhere - parents, media, schools - to reach for the stars, we forget that our feet should be grounded. Everyone can reach for the stars, but it is only the courageous who look below to make sure they do not trample someone else.

Oh America!

Ok. This is going to be a really angry blog. So if you cannot open your mind and accept different opinions, don't read further.

My ire is directed towards American ideology. Not the original set of ideals as embodied in the superb Declaration of Independence, but as it stands today- portrayed in the behaviour of citizens and the government. Let me try and limn the sciolism I feel so strongly about.

The prevailing American characteristic is only one - Pride. This deplorable feature sets the tone for all things - policy, thought, and action. In short there is one way you can describe it - "my way or the highway" (One of the most disgusting American sayings I have come across). This attitude is reflected in the evaluation process of foreign degrees. Just because the dumb kids here cannot learn required material in three years (and sometimes not even four) they do not recognize degrees from India as a full graduate course. Needless to say, what I learned in the three years is infinitely more extensive than some of the Master's programs here. That's the main reason I will not study further here to be 'certified'. I will not accept that my education is any way lacking - specially in comaprison to higher education here. It is, of course, another matter that I can afford to stay at the lower pay scale. But there are many others who simply have to spend that much money and time to get the 'one year more' to be considered a graduate.

The attitude continues into the workplace. American companies are notoriously callous about employees. They have a set of rules, usually terribly hierarchical, and 'that's the way the cookie crumbles' (another stupid American cliche). In every other organization - European, Japanese, and especially Indian, the employees bond with each other and the company. Simple things like office parties, lunching together, family outings arranged department-wise, managers personally asking subordinates about known health issues, are all common. Never happens in American organizations.

I definitely need not go into the arrogance of American foreign policy. Whether its 'shock and awe' (have you heard of a more vainglorious statement?) or trying to 'win the hearts and minds', they always get it wrong. Why? Because they assume they are right. Period. No other opinion is even considered.

Democracy is not sarcosant just because America has it. In fact, America still needs to learn its own self-proclaimed democracy. Maybe they should look to India where every vote counts. Where a woman has an absolutely equal chance of winning. Where a middle class scientist can be made President even though he is from the minority community,where we accept an Italian woman as one of our own, and give her the respect and position she enjoys solely on what she has done, and given up, for the country.

So when they have the gall to say they want to 'teach' democracy it bothers me. It bothers me immensely because the people they are trying to teach may not want it at all. A good gun does not give anyone the right to dictate a way of life. They know it, they espouse this very ideal of freedom of choice. But again it is pride that blinds them to the fact that the right belongs to the other person also. Just because the other person does not speak American English does not make him ignorant, stupid or inferior.

I remember the first time I had visited this country that I am still trying to accept as home. I had come after pleasant visit to England, and was expecting this leg of my vacation to be better. What I encountered here was a coldness and inhospitality that was at odds to what one expects after seeing Hollywood movies or the sitcoms:

You expect Americans to be friendly - they are cold

You expect to see equality and fairness - and there is none - not in race, not in gender.

You expect that they value freedom and 'pursuit of happiness' - but it does not apply to those who do not have a US passport. Or to those who do not have money.

You expect them to be intelligent and open-mined - but there is Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck.

The American ideology today is simply might is right. So if you have the money to live well, have fun, and others be damned. If you have the firepower, use it. If you have the audience, influence it. Get what you want, then forget any sense of responsibility - to the world, society or the environment. It is disconcerting that they have the audacity to question what should or should not be in the wonderful Pledge of Allegiance. It annoys me that they have drifted so far from the spirit this country was founded on. But what saddens me is that no other American seems to be annoyed.

But I understand why - its simply arrogance. It is the haughty presumption that comes from getting too much too easily. It is the false pride of believing oneself better only because one is better off. And we all know what goeth just before the fall.