Who you are should be what you are

For once I could follow up on time on the tragedy of the plane crash in Russia that killed young hockey players. The investigation revealed pilot error. That was just a euphemistic way of saying that the pilot was cocky and overconfident, and the copilot was drunk. The cockpit recordings revealed that the copilot was actually egging the pilot to go ‘faster’, and the pilot obliged. Then they made the rash decision to land even though visibility was close to zero. A trained pilot and navigator making a peurile, immature choice. Making silly decisions is usually born out of arrogance. That brings us to my question – how far can training override personality?

I believe that when times are tough, and in stressful situations, it is only one’s character that matters. You either have the wherewithal to do it right, or you don’t. It is not training that inculcated that ability into you; it is a lifetime of learning, most of it being unconscious and involuntary. What a person learns specific to the job he or she is doing can be ingrained only as far as it is aligned with the principles the person already has. Of course the pilot was trained to fly, of course he had experience, of course he knew the warning signs of all defects in the craft. Of course he believed that he could go faster and be safe, that he could certainly land the plane. What he did not have is the sensitivity to realize that he had to be overly cautious because he was literally carrying 50 lives.

What kind of a person would take that lightly? That is precisely what I am trying to point out. It is eventually the only thing that defines our work – the kind of person we are.

I remember the captain of our British airways flight refusing to take off from Mumbai even though the mechanical glitch had been fixed and the plane certified to fly, because he was not comfortable taking off in the craft in a repaired condition. British airways put us all up in a hotel for the night till the new craft came in. That was a good pilot of course, and I am sure a great man too. He exhibited a simple, yet all-important, value called responsibility. Training and experience may make a good pilot out of an irresponsible person , but when that irresponsibility does show up, it does so, sadly, with deadly effect.

It strikes us viscerally when people lose lives because of simple character flaws of another, but we do see – and often ignore – this phenomenon in all walks of life. Professional ability rarely overcomes character. We know of doctors who do not care, we know of accountants who play the books, we know of Presidents who never had the brains or the heart to lead. Sometimes the world gets lucky, and these inadequate people finish their tenures and move on. However, when a crisis does strike, everyone involved suffers.

Whatever you are, a hot dog cart puller, or an ambassador, it is the ‘who’ you are that matters.
A woman who can override personal issues to help a friend will be the same woman who can be a great first responder, or a successful CEO. Silly girls will always be silly, whether they are rich housewives, working to support themselves, or studying to better themselves. We cannot change who we are by adding course work, or even a degree to our portfolio. We change when we experience, and learnimbibe life’s lessons.For better or for worse, sometimes life does not bother to test, and thereby teach, some of us.

It is said that ‘when the going gets tough, the tough get going’. Unfortunately when the required strength is not available, the going just goes tragic. India is what it is today because when the going was really tough, we had Gandhi to guide us (oh yes, it takes great moral strength to be non-violent!). However, at the other end of the spectrum we have many countries wallowing in chaos and oppression because the people who lead them are not leaders in any other way but in their position.

So, do we wait for good fortune to throw our way the right doctor, teacher or taxi driver?
What we really need to do is take into account a person’s emotional intelligence along with those degrees and certificates. A lot of major corporations in India used to give candidates aptitude tests. Maybe that was really a good idea. For high-stress jobs a talk with a psychologist would be a good idea.

I would definitely be comfortable with an airline that checks a pilot’s mental health along with the required physical! Of course my favorite spiel – let your children do what they want to! What draws them is their natural calling. An occupation they find fulfilling will be one that is a good fit to their personality. Do the world a favour and let them follow their hearts!!

Published earlier in www.theviewspaper.net

Back home

http://theviewspaper.net/back-home/

Written when we had 'decided' to move back to India. :/

I remember a British neighbour I had befriended when we moved to New Jersey. We were both feeling our way around in this country, getting licenses and discovering stores. She left within a year. She said it was “too different”, and that people here “do not even understand English”. I was amused. But I now realize how significant what she said was. Different cultures have different languages, however similar the script and words are. It seems disorienting when other people understand a thing differently because of what their cultural compass dictates. So here I am today, struggling to make sense of my own confused feelings. I really do enjoy the ease of life here in the developed hemisphere. But I am also aware of the thrill of sheer joy that courses through me every time I think that I have to start packing for India. I have been a weasel and have accepted the citizenship of USA. But happily that has had no effect on anything within me. I had always assumed that taking the oath would reset my DNA in some insidious way. I go back to India on a reduced status of PIO, or its glorified version of OCI (it does sound better with the word ‘citizen’ in it!).

However, what is confusing me is a sense of déjà vu, a feeling of distancing myself again from people I love; of starting anew again. I have no home to start off from, and it is a new city. I am leaving friends that have filled the void of family and leaving a country whose founding ideals I cherish (Freedom does ring here, not correctly all the time, but it does ring). But I am so content!

Is being born in a country enough to permanently make you its own? I doubt it because, I know of many who moved to the West in adulthood and have that disgusting, warped personality of a tree, that neither knows its roots nor its flowers. I cannot call them Indian, and I am sure they do all they can to avoid that association.

I have lived here like an outsider, which I am. I have enjoyed it, most certainly. I have learnt about different cultures. But most importantly, I have learnt about myself. I think every Indian should be sent abroad for sometime to develop patriotism! You realize what a phenomenal country we are, and how resilient and progressive we are. I have learnt more about what it is to be Indian than I did in India itself. I think if you are proud of your heritage you will put your best foot forward when you stand as its symbol, and then the best becomes a part of who you are. Also, I have made friends for life from all over the world. But all those friends, each and everyone, is loyal to the country they were born in. I think that has unconsciously been a make-or-break issue with me. My Indian friends, of course, envy me for going back home! My American friends think I am crazy to be going back because, to them this is the ideal place to be. My Egyptian friends think it would be understandable if I was going to Egypt because that is the best place in the world. And I admire them for that. They, in reality, in their own way, understand perfectly why I want to go back. Home is always the perfect place to live.

So what is it that I love in my country? There is dirt, power cuts, corruption, a severe lack of civic sense, language changes from state to state. But life is so much more than matter of convenience. It is living to be yourself, to live your hopes an ideals and work towards to your goals. It is living when your day has meaning for yourself, and for others. And you cannot come into your own unless you live somewhere you can call your own. A place is your own where you find that sense of belonging I spoke of in my blog. It is a place where people share one’s values. Who understand your jargon, who need no explanation for what you wear, or why you cry.

To be specific, what I love is that ability to stop the car and just ask anyone on the road for directions. What I love is the security of knowing you talk to the autowala or the driver next to you in a traffic jam. You can yell at them or ask to borrow the cell phone. What I love is that if my neighbour’s child is misbehaving I can be the ‘aunty’ and scold him without the fear of prosecution on weird charges.

That involvement in each other’s life is what a community is based on. Of course it is not a perfect community. And sometimes when it is manifested in nosy gossip it does get intolerable. But I would not trade that feeling of familiarity for anything in the world. And certainly not for what passes for ‘politeness’ here. I have lived with the silence of neighbours which is broken by that very artificial ‘Hi’. I fail to understand what kind of people crave this distant coldness. Psychopaths, maybe. A stranger is not a danger in my home; rather, someone to be helped or welcomed, unless proven otherwise. Here it is the other way around. Of course the Americans are lonely people. How can you make friends if you start off with mistrust?

So excuse me if I am not falling apart because I will have to deal with unruly traffic, or with someone selling me ‘fresh’ vegetables a few days old. I will have that unique, wonderful option of venting with my dhobi, or dropping by unannounced for ‘chai’ at a friend’s home. I cannot wait to be home!

Travails of travel

They say travelling opens the mind. I drove across northern USA from the Atlantic coast to the Pacific. And I know for sure it does nothing for the mind. It does a lot for the heart.

The drive, as it may be called for want of a better word, was not a vacation as much a celebration of a new start in a new place. We human beings do need to feel a 'new beginning' so many times in our lives, we tend to forget that each sunrise is a miraculous new beginning that heralds new experiences. How do we forget that no two days can ever be alike, unless we make it so?

Like all journeys,our odyssey (yes, in an Odyssey too!)began with pangs of separation. Leaving friends that have been the scaffolding of my sanity and the joy of my heart was more frightening than sorrowful. It was so heartening to hear each one of them tell me it was for the best, and remind me that distance is never an issue between friends. Because if even one had said 'Oh no , why are you going?' I might not have made it. Of course New Jersey was far from perfect, but my friends there are perfect by far.

Everyone does need a change, a break, a vacation. It could be a TV time-slot, it could be jog around with your pal, it could be a few month's hiatus from routine. A change recharges our mind and invigorates our soul.

I do not know of anything that could re-enliven you like a trip to a totally new place. Not with a tour guide, or with five star bookings, but on your own steam, and on your own time. What makes it refreshing is not the change of scene, it is the stripping of paraphernalia we collect and the provisions we deem essential. We really do not need the gold, the crystal, or the fancy crockery. What we need is food to fill us and water to quench and clean.

And of course petrol to fill the car! One of the most terrifying moments of my life was up in the mountains that we did not expect to climb, and realizing that we were out of gasoline,not knowing how far we had to go, and my husband rolling the car down the unfamiliar steep slopes on neutral gear to conserve gas. An experience like that redefines stress. Now if someone tells me they are 'stressed' because of their kids' extracurricular schedules I am going to choke laughing! Stress is not that rushed feeling when you have planned- well or otherwise- on things to happen. Stress is the feeling when you cannot take a breath in (or out) because you do not know if you can deal with that 'worst case scenario' if it does happen.

We managed to descend from the mountains without incident, and reached this adorable little store/ home /gas station in the middle of nowhere. (Town of Emmet- population 10). It was the quaintest, sweetest ramshackle cabin out of a fairytale. Had to have been angels. God does not test the unprepared.

Of course we were unprepared! We had the route mapped roughly, we had the iPad, we had overnight reservations in nice hotels and lodges. The rest we would take as it came. That, we thought would add to the experience. I do not much care for what it did add! A lot of nervous checking of signals on the cell phone,rechecking navigation, realizing that we were not mentally conditioned for long roads through deserted lands, and the nagging fear of what if the car..( God forbid, here!). Though it ensured our comfort, and did really, really well, the Honda Odyssey van is not made for cross country roughing it out. Small roads at edges of waterfalls, or after sunset drives across Grizzly country are not exactly comforting unless you are driving a humvee and have OnStar.

Of course I would rather drive across the US than any other country. The blessing of GPS on the iPad is worth more than words can express. The rest areas give a traveller not only a chance to get the blood moving into parts of the body that have lost feeling, but also gives the chance to interact with other people. Some states of course have a better hospitality: South Dakota had scenic rest stops, Idaho rest areas offer free coffee, Ohio has huge service areas; and Wyoming should not be called a civilized state. I cannot believe there can be such barren, uninspiring stretches of empty, depressing landscape that we encountered in Wyoming.It had green of course, and the undulating hills, but the feeling it gave was of a dull, dead place where life cannot blossom.The Exits that are pointers to settled life for highway travellers just end up in dirt roads that lead to nothing.Even the Badlands were not that bad. Barren rock has a magnetism all its own.

But inhospitable Wyoming also holds a part of the gorgeous Yellowstone National Park. We drove through quite a few protected areas, but the raw beauty of Yellowstone is hard to match. One can revel in the flawless lakes, and then walk a quarter of a mile to beds of boiling mud!

We drove on roads through grasslands, hills, mountains, volcanoes, glaciers, forests. It was glorious and awe-inspiring. But at the end of each day what we needed was to stop. Not just to rest and recharge, but to make connect with our fellowmen. To say hello to the friendly hotel receptionist, to sit down for dinner. And yes, to switch on the TV (and laptop!)

Like everything else in life, the travails, of course, came with treasures. The small towns we went through are unforgettable. The warm people we met gently reinforced my belief that we all are exactly the same. The memories we have are priceless. The splendour of virgin lands on this continent have to be seen to be believed.The joy one feels in renewing one's connection to the land does not diminish us as humans. Knowing we share a home of such beauty with flora and fauna of such diversity elevates us to being more than mankind. We become earthlings. I did not learn anything of practical importance. I saw, heard, and felt. My mind probably learnt the names of new places, but what my heart learnt was of more vital importance- that it is not the earth that belongs to us, it is we who will always belong to the earth.

Thoughts on Terrorism

It seems to me that terrorism is always front page news nowadays. Whether it is bomb blasts in Mumbai or a man throwing acid on a woman’s face – the horrific stories continue.
Terrorism is defined by Dictionary.com as: 1) the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purpose; and 2) the state of fear and submission produced by terrorism. By its very definition terrorism comprises any action that terrorizes – even if it frightens just one person. The identification of ‘evil’ is not predicated by who the perpetrator is, or what the reason behind it is. When people say an act is justified if it is government-sponsored, or if it ‘has to be done’, what they are also saying is that the act is unacceptable if it hurts them and understandable if it hurts others. Arguably, any action can be rationalized by the offender but certainly not by the victim. And the same goes for the facile “the ends justify the means” theory. If water boarding and other forms of torture sit comfortably on your soul, you cannot discount whatever ‘means’ the other person thought justified too! Causing harm, or creating fear, irrespective of who the culprit is (or who the victim is for that matter), is terrorism. How do we fight this spreading malaise if we are doing exactly the same? What right do we have to complain if we cannot hold a higher moral ground?  Recently in Indonesia, a crazed mob violently attacked people of a different sect. These vile murders were definitely terroristic. What bothers me equally is that the courts let the criminals go. They were not even charged with murder! I am more terrified of such a judicial system than I am of the bunch of thugs who got away with it!
The events in the U.S. on Sept 11 were heinous and unprecedented, but then so is the process of Rendition. We do not (as we should not!) try to deconstruct why Osama bin Laden turned into the beast he was. And so also we must not try to absolve the actions of the men and women posing happily with their victims in Abu Ghraib prison.
And though the media has targeted Islam as its harbinger, the truth is that terrorism is too widespread over time, places and people to be slotted into any one cause. Fear has been a potent weapon for all power-hungry dictators and political parties.  CNN’s Fareed Zakaria pointed out: “The European Union's 2010 Terrorism Situation and Trend Report had some fascinating findings. It showed that of the 294 terror attacks committed in Europe in 2009, only one was conducted by Islamists. That's a third of one percent. The most recent statistics show that there were 249 terror attacks in Europe in 2010. Only three of those attacks were carried out by Islamist terrorists.”  
It will be our loss if we continue to dismiss terror attacks that do not fit into our preset bias. We rail and shout for action if a crime against humanity is done by a swarthy, turbaned guy. But we are quiet when Robert Mugabe orders the murders of his opponents, ensures that his countrymen live in fear of starvation and violent repression.
However horrible the actuality of an act of terror is, I believe what is equally terrible is the frenzy whipped up all over the world while we are ‘expecting’ it.  Doubtless we need to do all we can to avoid any terrorist act to come to fruition. But living in fear, untrusting and bitter, is as much succumbing to terrorism as whatever heinous act was planned.
It annoys me when people are afraid to use the “T’ word unless there is a dark haired, bearded man involved somewhere. The media has been reticent to use this label for the blond, blue-eyed man who went on a rampage killing children in Norway. It is easy to identify evil with something that is unfamiliar because it allows us to distance ourselves from what causes distress and angst. But if we cannot come terms with the reality of this growing cancer of anarchy, we are not going to be able to get rid of it.
Conducting something that causes or threatens physical harm is classic terrorism. But I believe even creating panic, even if unfounded, is terrorism.  I would venture to say any act of abuse is terrorism. What else should a kid terrified by an abusive parent call it?  Is not schoolyard bullying, too, a form of terrorism? When a leader suggests that the country will be at peril if he is not voted into power – that is terrorism. The “we will be attacked, unless…” propaganda creates at least the same amount of dread than the actuality of the horrific event. If a gang presence in the area makes it difficult for children to walk out after sunset - that is neighbourhood terrorism by the gang.
I would call the Holocaust terrorism, and what the Israelis are doing to the Palestinian people today terrorism too. What women in tribal Pakistan are suffering is also terrorism. Yes, we need to wage a war on terror. But we are not going to get anywhere if it does not encompass terrorism in all forms and all in its avatars. Any entity, person or organization, that propagates fear and destruction is subscribing to terrorism. And we, as humanity on the whole, need to stand up to it, not because of fear but with righteous indignation. Of course we need to put down political terrorism strongly, with action and words. But we also need to condemn individual acts of terror the same way. Maybe making a local terrorist pay for his acts will enable us to develop the wherewithal to deal with the bigger groups that haunt us.

Strong Ideals

I wrote for the Viewspaper recently about youth and its idealism. The strength of an upcoming generation lies only in its idealism. It is that which drives its energy, it is that that gives it its identity.

But this very characteristic that seems to be the evolutionary material for society, the stuff that ensures progressive betterment of the world, is lost somewhere along the years. As youth matures the idealism is not concretized to action, but turns into a jaded dream.

So how is the world going to move on? What we need is the strength of character in youth to push their ideals through to their 'age of reason'.

I believe all of us are born with stars in our eyes. It is the adults around us, sadly, that make us look only at the ground on which we need to trudge. Of course I am not taking into consideration the inexcusable and unfortunate conditions a large part of the world is in. Those born in strife-ridden, war-torn areas, and in debilitating poverty. Sadly, all their emotional and physical resources are tied up in simply surviving. It is a resounding indictment of us all that such dire predicaments exist at all - but that is for another blog. :)

But for those of us who live in relative comfort, it is even more imperative that we recognize our responsibility not to flitter away our lives, when we are blessed enough to have the chance to dream. And I do not mean the aim of getting into that fancy school, or to be in a position to earn a five-figure salary. That is not what I would classify as a dream. How is that any different from wanting an expensive purse or getting a nose-job? It has nothing to do with your emotional intelligence! Sure, go ahead and be that CEO, but do it because that is what you feel like doing, not thinking of being. Do it because you want to make a difference like Iaccoca or Ford, not to make a mansion like Ambani. Because if position and power are your driving force, it is just a step away from swindling people - like the Enron executives, and like doctors who 'operate' simply because they do not know what else to do! If that happens to be the dream, then one is simply a waste of oxygen for this planet.

So for that rare young person who is out there somewhere wanting to do something to make difference not only in his own life, bit in at least one another. How would you hold on to that idealism? For it is imperative that you do.

One way of course is perseverance. I have never believed in 'try until you succeed'. It is rotten nonsense and a waste of time. Give something a shot twice at the most. Then move on. What perseverance should be is akin to preserving. You have to continue to believe in those principles. And that you can - as you certainly can - move the world. Anywhere, anytime, anyhow, just by being who you are. Just by living that dream in any small way everyday. You may not be able to open that orphanage, but you could talk nicely to a kid you see on the roads. You may not be able to send chartered planes of food to Africa, but you could volunteer in soup-kitchens. It is exactly the same, because it will give exactly that same sense of purpose, and more importantly a sense of triumph. A life of meaning does not have to be big. Idealism does not have to be flashy or glamorous. It does not crave to be acknowledged. It need only be honoured and fostered by the person holding those ideals.

The kids working for Teach for America/ Teach for India do not do it for recognition. It asks too much of commitment for people to do it just for 'look good' college application. It is tough, emotionally taxing, monetarily unrewarding. But I have yet to see a more grounded, happy, optimistic bunch of kids. That to me defines youth. What keeps them that way is idealism that has not been smothered.

When Gandhi took on the British raj, he did what he believed needed to be done. He did not do it for the cameras. He did not even ask anyone to do what he was doing. People followed him because right is always recognized. One has to just have the will to keep putting it out there.

My message to young idealists - go ahead, live those ideals everyday. Once they become a natural part of your personal grammar, you will also develop the strength of character to see your dreams through.

Belonging

One may be at one place for years, then decide to move on without even pang of loss. So how did something that did not even warrant a fond reminiscence hold one for so long?

There are many things that make a person bond with an external entity- be it a place, organization or another person. We find ourselves feeling a kinship because of a common culture or background. We associate easily with people who are on the same wavelength of thought and growth, who are intellectually compatible.

But the strongest bond anyone can feel is an indefinable feeling which I will call a 'sense of belonging'. No other kind of linkage or association has the same compelling strength. Not love , not money, not convenience. We automatically identify with things that we believe we belong to. Whether it is parks, memories, people, books or institutions - they become an integral part of our selves. Nothing else can measure up to the strength of this bond, because it connects with our intrinsic nature. The only thing that splits that firm connection is the loss of that indefinable feeling of belonging. One may work at a company for the money and the perks, but then all one needs to leave is a better opportunity, or even sometimes just a change of scene. And then there are those who work far below potential because one finds somewhere/someone there that is more aligned to their moral compass. It may be the people they see everyday, or it may be what the work ethic of the organization, or it may be the elemental business of the organization. What makes us commit is that we see there what we have in ourselves too.

I think a sense of belonging is also crucial in determining the quality of human relationships. A marriage works only when belonging applies both ways. This belonging is defined by feeling belonged not that one feels the other belongs to them. And that is the crux of the power of belonging. If you want your spouse to feel a sense of belonging in the relationship you have to give of yourself. That 'compromise' everyone talks about? That is basically empowering your partner to be herself or himself, to be able to bring to the relationship something meaningful to him/her. The 'compromise' is actually the acceptance in your own life of something that may not be an integral part of your internal compass. We all know that the more core values shared in a relationship, the smoother it makes life for those involved. I believe it is because that engenders a feeling of belonging more easily. It is a connection between core psyches.

And that is the connection a successful organization makes the employees feel . When one can decorate a cubicle, it is a small value, but when your principles match (as in a common charity), it is a considerable one. Belonging would exhibit in one feeling that one is an extension of what one belongs to, or that that is an extension of you. When you start using 'we' instead of 'them' , you belong.

I think the strongest display of the sense of belonging is our dwelling. One can feel belonging at home more intensely if there are things in there that reflect one's likes and values. We put into our homes things that make us comfortable, things that say what we want them to portray. It is what envelops us with calmness and contentment we need in our place of repose. And that is precisely why we can come from the most gorgeous resorts back to our houses and still say "Home Sweet Home". It is misconstrued that home is important to us because it belongs to us. It is important because we belong there.

Rasha' s essay

Civility is kindness, compassion, decorum, and propriety of action and expression. It is the best of virtues in all its forms. Aristotle once said “It is not enough to know about virtue but we must try to have and use it”, and so it is with all facets of civility. Everyone knows what is right, but not everyone practices it. Just as it is enough for good to do nothing to allow evil to win, all it takes to be rude is to not be polite. I believe that we are defined not by our background, education or occupation but by our behavior. Human society is based on interactions – social or otherwise – and civility must be the basis of all such interplay. I try to maintain this civility in all aspects of my deportment, from my tone of voice to my responses to strange queries. It is one of the most important principles of my moral compass.
Our society today is disturbingly rude. It is a sad comment on ourselves that we see so many unsmiling faces, even those familiar to us. Aggression is looked upon as strength, and politeness is considered akin to weakness. However, the real weakness is an appalling ignorance of the power of civility. Politeness does not mean that we should not hold a view; it only means that that view should be expounded without giving another person reason to be offended. What courtesy adds to the argument is that little magic that makes certain the opinion will be taken in the best way possible, because it is delivered in the best way possible.
Rutgers is a large family. It is like having a last name one can connect with. I feel this bond wherever I go – while at campus lunching with other rushed students, or at the airport chatting with the immigration officer who recognized my Rutgers sweatshirt, or feeling a connection when I see the red “R”s on cars I share the highway with. If we cannot be civil within this family, then there is something greatly lacking in our education. Once we have also learned to “practice respect, restraint, concern, and benevolence”, as P.M. Forni says in his book Choosing Civility, then we have inculcated proper behavior for the rest of our lives. And that is the most important thing we can carry to the rest of the world (Forni, P20).
But to be able to carry it to the rest of the world, we need to have imbibed it within ourselves. Like everything that is genuine, civility begins from one’s soul. Our actions have to be predicated on thoughtfulness. Civility has to have deep meaning for ourselves to have any significance at all for someone else. Even regular etiquette is derived from intent to please. Proper placement of forks on the table becomes a facile facade if it is not to make its usage easier. Decor becomes ostentatious if it is more for exhibition than for pleasure. Similarly, our behavior has to have bearing to our own conscience, for only then will it have any meaning to the outside world.
Civility ensures that our social environment is pleasant. At its very basic, civility is being considerate and unselfish. It is the proper decorum of greeting people we accost. It is saying thank you, please or excuse me. It is holding the door for the person following us into the mall. It is a show of genuine gratitude for favors asked and unasked, or a concern for acquaintances close and distant. The rules of civility require that we show our companions respect, whether they are present or absent, and consideration for those around us. Civility also demands that we accept another’s style of living. The maturity and magnanimity needed to recognize that this is a shared world is an integral part of being civil. For not only must we understand that there are myriad kinds of people living their different kinds of lives, we also need to respect those very differences.
At its most developed, civility is tolerance, understanding, and altruism. It takes a highly developed emotional intelligence to be able to put what one must do over what one wants to do. I really might not feel like smiling and saying hello to my classmates today, but etiquette demands that I acknowledge people I am acquainted with. I think the ultimate civility is being civil when others are not. There will always be times when we have to exhibit the right behavior with someone who does not even acknowledge a kindness.
So why should we be civil at all? In Choosing Civility, P.M. Forni puts it succinctly: “Good relationships make our life good, bad relationships make our life bad… To learn how to be happy we must learn how to live well with others and civility is the key to that… A training in civility is part of our basic training as social beings,” Forni tells us (Forni, P6). “First manners, then love” (Forni, P20).
There is no situation which civility does not improve. It may only be an option, but it is imperative that we take this option if we need to make any impact at all. When Alexander the Great defeated the Indian king Porus, he asked him how Porus would like to be treated. Hands in chains, Porus raised his head and said “As Kings would treat Kings”. Alexander, in a gesture of ultimate royal civility, released him and returned his lands to him. Today there is no sign of Macedonian control in India but Alexander’s Hindi name, “Sikander”, is a synonym for conqueror, or victor. His conduct earned a place for him in history and Indian culture that no statue or palace could have ensured. What better way is there to conquer a people than to rule their hearts for all time to come?
True civility is continual and independent of responses. It is something one does for oneself – because it says more about the person being civil than the recipient of the politeness. It is not genuine civility if our behavior changes with who it is directed towards, or because of a lack of polite reciprocation, or on our own moods. Civility is most effective when it is an inalienable part of our identity. Whether dealing with a stranger or close friends, the rules of civility have to be displayed always. Saying “thank you” to a superior and not bothering to thank subordinates is detrimental to our own sense of self-worth. Being more polite to someone who is better-dressed is, simply, egregiously bad behavior.
So how does one teach civility? I believe civility is taught, and learned, unconsciously. It is one of the very few things that are taught only by example. We have been told again and again to open doors for others, especially the elderly, and to give way to others, but it does not happen often enough. There are signs on Rutgers buses reminding us to give up our seats for those who need them more, but no one actually does it. However, it takes only one person’s courtesy to affect us, and make us want to show the same solicitude to others. When a girl got up to give her seat to a boy on crutches on my bus, there were others who made the same move a few minutes later. One kind act sets off a series of goodwill gestures. And even if it does not go that far, it certainly would have touched that one person who received the gesture. Civility, after all, arises from an inherent concern for others. And it is the manifestation of this concern that is imperative for all successful communities. It is the most polite, non-interfering way of saying “I care”.
A simple, civil act has the amazing effect of assuaging hurt and sweetening interactions. How many times has our anger been mellowed when the person who cut into our lane waves a thank you or sorry signal? When I say thank you to the cashier at the store, I am sure the cashier feels better about serving me than he or she would have felt if I had not taken a few breaths to be polite. Even I feel better about it. And therein lies the magic of civility: it makes a difference to the person being civil too. The practice of civility polishes one’s own deportment; it pleases others, and it pleases us. Drafting a course of life that is civil makes us a better person, helping us develop with every display of thoughtfulness. And there is no better way to improve the world than to change ourselves first.
After all, what defines our progress as a civilization is not our technology or the fancy dwellings we have built for ourselves. It was, and always will be, how we behave towards each other.
 

Live your values

I signed in today to see if I should just close down my blog. It's been one of those weeks where everything seems pointless. As far as I can tell, I have done no major memorable thing. Thankfully nothing bad, but sadly nothing good either. It reinforces a deeply held belief of mine - life is meaningful only when you do something for others. But this week's rut of work, work and work (at home and school) has not given me time for anything else. One thing is certain - this is no way to live. But then, busy or not, should not I be able to live my values if I value them enough? Should not our morality compass be strong enough?

It is difficult to carve a life for ourselves according to the dictates of our core values. With increasing demands of simply living, we tend to discard those little, very important things that make life worth living. I believe a successful life is one where we have been able to incorporate our values into everyday living.

We care so much for where we live. We find places which fit into our way of life, or at least a place where we can fit in the existing way of life. I do not mean just the geographical location, but also how we situate our beliefs and values vis-a -vis our environment.

I believe it is easy to hold onto your values when your surroundings match them. It requires no great strength of character to be, say, Islamic in your bearing when you study in an Islamic school, and all your friends adhere to the same belief. And its even easier if you shun all that to not conform to that set. (That is not Islamic, or logical, or natural - and also, that is another topic.) But the ease of living your beliefs does not contribute to its strength, or to the required emotional maturity to hold onto them. My daughter was told by a friend that she is missing the fun of getting drunk. It is a statement of her maturity that the friendship continues undamaged even though she decided not to try the "fun". (I would have been sorely tempted!!) How can we equalize the depth of these values with those of someone who has not faced an opposing, easier and more "fun" way of life?

Real emotional maturity becomes evident only when we live in an environment that is not familiar, and may even be slightly hostile to our set of core values. The depth of our values and the strength of our principles is demonstrated when we hold onto them because we believe in them, even though it may not exactly be convenient or 'cool'.

And when our values become that much a part of ourselves, then we can try and carve a life that will facilitate living those values too.

Women and work

I am trying to figure out why women are generally such an unhappy bunch. I think it is because we have drifted so far away from our natural selves that every day has become a burden. We are unhappy because we never seem to achieve what we need. We do not achieve what we need because we do not seem to know what we want. We do not know what we want because we have our priorities all confused. And we have our priorities confused because we have lost track of the reason we were made: as WOMEN!

The role of women, and men, was designed by our genes. Our gender differences, aptitudes and weaknesses are dictated by our very beings. And whether it is a bane or a boon, the capacity to bring forth the next generation was given solely to women. A power much higher than our limited intelligence put that into effect. God, aliens, or selection by natural evolution if you must : the result was THIS. The primary responsibility of bearing and rearing children was given to the female of the species. It falls in the natural order of things that it is the female who is the homemaker too.

I believe that it is disservice to humanity if we belittle or dismiss a woman's role. It is even more destructive if women themselves denigrate their real purpose in life.

For the life of me, I have never ever understood where the glory lies when riding into the sunset of our lives trying desperately to match a man's career path. A man can never be another man, why then should a woman try to be a man?

I have inveighed against women and careers before - "Woman, be thyself!" But that does not mean I believe we should all be doormats or wallflowers. I am, of course, all for independence. If we look for independence outside ourselves we will only be following a mirage. The only independence that matters, that emancipates and strenghtens, is that of the mind. It is wonderful if you are learning, or earning. There is no substitute for either of them. Financial independence if always empowering. But do it for yourself, not for parents, or husbands, or friends, or fashion. I respect the woman who is out funding herself, or providing the necessary income for her family, just as I respect the man doing the same. The operative word here is necessary. And an extra car, a bigger bigger house or a backyard swimming pool certainly does not qualify as a necessity!

Real emancipation comes from confidence; a recognition of one's own strength, an understanding of one's function. However, the belief that women need to go out and compete with men in exactly the same fields, in exactly the same way, just because it is a male bastion, reeks more of subjugation to me than of liberty. It seems to me that women again are succumbing to pressure from society, which has always leaned more on us. We have always borne the brunt of the confines of societal rules. Women have been required to bring in a dowry that would determine their worth; now it has not changed to assumptions that women should bring in, if not the bread, at least some cake! We are, all over again, being forced into a mould that is not to our benefit. It is a facile proposition that self-actualization is dependent on a career. If the need to 'work' is predicated on a lack of self-esteem, or a desire to 'prove oneself', then even heading a multinational company is never going to be satisfying. We can not be free until we are free to think for ourselves. And adhering to images that others have created for us, and expect from us, is not liberation. I can understand throwing away corsets for a more humane form of undergarment, but then do we have to throw off all our clothes in the process? I value freedom and liberty more than anything else in life. It should apply to all aspects of life, to all strata of society, to all ages and gender of people. Women's liberation is not something as trite as burning bras, or arm-wrestling contests. It is an awakening of womanhood- in all its glory, in its own skin.

A quick, albeit superficial, observation of the world tells me those cultures are quicker to accept women leaders where women still mainatain, by and large, their traditional role. Sri Lanka, India, even Pakistan, have had women leading their countries. In the US, there is still tremendous reservation in the concept of having a woman for President. In a liberated society where women believe they can do exactly what they think they should, there is a startlingly large percentage of abused women. How horribly sad it is that there are, here in the United States of America, more shelters for animals than battered women! So wearing pants or having exactly the same crepuscular roles between men and women ("You want to do dishes or take out the garbage?" "will you pay for utility bills or groceries?") does not ensure contentment - or even respect.

Then there is the rant I hear often - “it is not fair” - everytime we learn that women are paid less, or hired based on looks. Let us face it. We will be judged by what we portray. We display our physical characteristics more, then it is those very characteristics that will be acknowledged first. And women do have other concerns they are respsonsible for. They do take off from work for children, to have babies, to get married. It is a fact. Employers will take that into account. Don’t go by averages and statistics. If individually your work is good, you will get the recognition - and the pay to match. Stop whining! Either accept your uniqueness and revel in it, or complain and make yourself unhappy. It will not change facts. The fact that the job market reflects the inherent, inalienable difference between a man and a woman, and their approach to any task, is a actually very fair.To be treated equally is not always fair. One must acknowledge differences and treat people accordingly.

We know we are special. Do not go about ruining it by making us 'equal'.

Generous Charity

How would you define charity?

In an earlier article, I had pointed out that parting with any excess we may have been blessed with is not generosity, and it is certainly not charity. Purging your closet of extra, unused clothes may be a nice thing to do, it may even be an expression of the desire to help someone in need - but it cannot be classified as philanthropy.

So how do I define charity? Charity requires, by definition, a little bit of self-denial and sacrifice. I can be big-hearted and give a lot of stuff, but real charity does not constitute disposing of something I have enough of (and feeling good about it). Real charity is giving from what is not in reserve to aid someone else. When asked to share their snack with someone who had none for the day, two of my first graders offered half their bag of chips. One child had a lot of other snacks in his bag, one had just juice and the bag he proffered to share. There is a very concrete, definable difference in their otherwise identical kindness. It is defined by what they had to offer to begin with. One may be generous and not charitable, but one can never be charitable without being generous.

So if Melinda Gates decides to hop around the world making sure that poor kids get immunized, she is being generous. And she well can afford to be (and maybe she NEEDS to be)! But it is not real charity. Not according to me. Seriously - big deal! Nice of her, of course, but can we please stop acting as if the world needs to take its collective hat off to her and her trust? The Gates picked something close to their heart. I applaud the fact that they are taking out time and money to help better the world, to help make it safer for others, us, and themselves. Very generous. But charitable??? Hmmm.

I think the essence of charity is looking at what your recipient needs, not what you want to give; to consider what is imperative and pressing (like children chewing on bark in Africa to stave off hunger pangs), rather than what catches your fancy. The Gates think fighting disease is important. It is their priority, but it may not be all-important to kids who take the shots. How about ensuring clean water and environment first? Lawrence O'Donnell raised more than 2 million dollars to buy desks for children in Malawi. Desks! In a country struggling with food shortages, bad government, and rampant AIDS. PLEASE!! Am I the only one who is actually a little annoyed? Everyone else is patting themselves on the back that kids will not have to sit on the floor while learning at school. Do we know if there is enough clean water or food for them at home? Or proper sanitation? Or lunch at school ? Or even if they have enough books or pencils? Is where they sit to learn really that important?

I believe that charity is morally incumbent upon each one of us. Not just generosity, for that is largely dependent on one's nature. The frequency of giving is predicated on things like ability, opportunity and environment. But charity is, for me, something that is required for the purification of one's soul. Once you begin to give because someone else needs it, it ennobles your spirit. When you give of something you cannot spare, it demonstrates how immaterial material things are. It makes you more than the sum total of your possessions. That is a very empowering feeling.

That also means that charity is independent of a person's resources too. How much you have has no correlation to how much you can change someone else's situation, because you will be fulfilling someone's need at that moment. Maybe it is $10, maybe it is a $1000, or maybe it is a snow shovel to borrow. Or giving a push to a stalled car.

I think it is charity when you can smile and wish someone a good day when all you feel like is kicking something or someone(!) real hard. You have to draw on draining emotional reserves to do the right thing. I think that is what the Prophet Muhammad meant when he said 'Smiling is charity.' He was not talking of the mindless grinning to look good, or smiling to look pleasant and make an impression. He was talking of smiling to make the other person feel better.

Oscar Wilde said that no good deed is unselfish. Everything we do is to make ourselves feel better. Are we all so jaded that that is what the definition of good is reduced to? Real charity, I have always believed, is something constant - irrespective of your means, situation, or your life plans. If you are giving $100 to a soup kitchen when you earn 5000K a month, please do not donate a million to UNICEF when you get that 15 million dollar lottery. Make the equal percentage donation to what you know in the heart you always needed to do.

I guess I may be envious of people who have too much money and time to know what to do with themselves - the royalty by accident of birth, the rich by marriage, even the stock market gamblers. So when I accept their generosity at face value as 'charity' - that they are doing this for others and not for themselves, it is I who is being my charitable best!