Using force is not strength

Tell me if I am wrong - I think that women who are pushy and brash are just intolerably disgusting. And yes, specifically women. It is bad enough to see one of those 'feminists' who do not have the graces that our gender-identity is virtually predicated upon. There is something exceptionally disgraceful about a woman behaving as badly as an uncouth man (For my ideas on feminism, please see old blogs of 2008 such as Woman Be Thyself).

I had a parent of a bullying six-year-old girl explain to me that her behaviour was 'quite ok' because it was a reflection of how 'strong' she is. Then she had the gall to add that other girls might 'need to learn from her, quite frankly'. Quite frankly, on my part, it took a lot of self-control not to simply smack the ridiculous notion out of her head. Maybe then she would have known what a victim of aggression feels. Sadly, I had to smile and tell her about the evidently meaningless zero-tolerance school policy for bullying.

Somehow people tend to confuse glamour with greatness, money with success, success with contentment, and imitation with improvement. We associate actresses with emotional intelligence they sometimes so sorely lack. We point to to the rich as models for our children to follow, and predict that wealth will bring them the satisfaction of achievement. Women copy the roles of men, as if just making inroads into an all-male field is in itself a laudable goal. (really? A puerile 'what he can do, I can do better'?) Hillary Clinton is Superwoman, yes. But not because she challenged the status quo but because of who she is. Her confidence is due to her intelligence and values. Her aggressiveness is because of her success, not vice versa.

People are misled because the picture of strength we see around us does not tell the whole story.

And that brings me to the issue that really baffles me. How did we get to be so shallow as to even confuse strength with bluster? Our regular diet of TV shows portray successful people as mean, over-confident, brash personalities. Rudeness is made cool. Winning is all-important. I love the brilliantly rude Dr. House, and I even enjoy his mean humor. However, a child watching it might take away a lesson that it is perfectly alright to hurt someone as long as you are a recognized genius. Now that I have met the parent I spoke of, I am not sure if all adults have the maturity to handle these shows! Shows like Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives tell us that 'strong' and 'independent' women do whatever it takes to get what they want. But because our lives are not exactly scripted to entertain we imbibe overbearing pushiness to no avail.

And its not only the media. Aggressive drivers, who basically are downright stupid, are admired. The corporate world actually justifies horrendous competitive cannibalism by a trite 'its a dog eat dog world.' (Not if we don't play the game). Women who have reached the top become role models, notwithstanding the fact that they are recognized more for their highhandedness. Is Meg Whitman strong because she threw millions into a gubernatorial race just to get what she wanted? Or is it the single mother working two jobs, and still smiling at the end of the day? Who should we admire? Gandhi threw out the British without a mean word, let alone any 'show of force' (except of character). Would not anyone in the world find him strong?

So, what is strength? It is the maturity to know when it's wrong to join the crowd, even if you need to stand alone. It is the ability to stand up to injustice of course, but I believe it is also the ability to resist committing that injustice. It is the ability to overcome disadvantages of course, but it is also the ability to become an advantage to someone else. It is the perseverance to work towards your dream most ceratinly, but it is more so the maturity to accept that it may not work out exactly as planned. It is the ability to win, to help, and to be able to say, 'it is fine, I am me, no matter what'. There is more fortitude required to stop yourself from lashing out, than to give vent to anger. Real strength will pull people toward you, not push them away.

In this society of excess and ease, everything is readily available, and life is conveniently manageable. The detriment to this is that because we can manage without anyone's help, we tend to believe that we actually do not need anyone. With the pressure from everywhere - parents, media, schools - to reach for the stars, we forget that our feet should be grounded. Everyone can reach for the stars, but it is only the courageous who look below to make sure they do not trample someone else.