Pain

 The calluses on my heart

Brought in by grief and strife

Make pain for me a source of grace

Defining strength through sorrow 

And hope through surrender

Theses calluses on my heart

Redfine love through scars.

Loss and pain dont 'make you stronger if it does not kill you'. It just kills you. Piece by piece. Damage upon damage. Pain is just that- pain. It is not a character-building tool. It may help you understand another's, but that is a hard lesson. All you can do is learn to live with it. And maybe, if you are strong enough, eventully, grow with it.

Thankful

 

Today, this Thanksgiving Day, I am grateful for family, friends and favors.

With everything I am grateful for, there is heaps more I know I miss. With everything that I have gained, there is equal amount of loss. So why the gratitude?

The simple premise that it could be worse is usually satisfactory. That itself is something to be thankful for, certainly.

But today I will delve in more. “Look at those worse off’ was always very unjust to me. Are you supposed to be happy that there are those worse off? Or that it justifies that people should be worse off? It adds to my distress that I cannot, nay, will not do anything, to help those in unfortunate situations. The pain others are going through does not vindicate or alleviate mine.

I can only think that what we should also be grateful for is the pain, the loss, the disappointment in our lives. It brings into sharp focus what we do have, what blessings we had, and those that will come. Pain does not only accentuate pleasure, (and the memories) it gives it meaning. Sorrow gives us a depth of feeling and empathy that colors not only our lives, but others’ as well. Loss strengthens us in ways we never realize till that strength is called for in the days ahead. Pain demonstrates that the regular little joys that come to us routinely are of an immensity greater than big achievements and happy lifetime events. Every breath, every smile, every sip of water, every ray of sunshine – is something joyous and joyful that we should embrace with gratitude.

And more than anything, greater than any other learning, grief and loss teach us to value what really is important. To be grateful for the seemingly small miracles that show us the kindness of God (or nature, or universe - if that’s your belief), to overlook the unnecessarily-enlarged little hurts, to understand that though everything in this life is fleeting, there will always be blessings coming to you.

And with thankfulness in my heart, I pray for and manifest blessings on all those who need them, in any way and form they are wanted.

 

Love your roots

 

The other day I overheard a conversation between two men from my countries.  (yes, 'countries'- for whatever my passport says, I am both Indian and American) The American was telling his co-traveler that he would really like to visit Mumbai some day. My upcoming smile froze midway when I heard the Indian respond 'Oh you will get robbed'. I was too shocked to actually say all the things I wanted to – and I still regret not having said anything.

 

Mumbai is one of the safer urban cities on the planet. Of course there is crime. It is bound to be any place where there is a stark difference in the lower and upper income groups. Newark scares me even in the day and I still would not tell a potential tourist that it is guaranteed he will get hurt. There are valid arguments that crime in India is under reported, but my gripe is with the assured 'you will be robbed' statement. Even if Mumbai was such a scary place, and even if we give him the benefit of doubt and chalk up his reaction to a very bad experience – why would he put his own country down? For every pickpocket on the street, there are hundreds of poor rickshaw-walas who return dropped wallets.

 

Whatever may have been desi uncle's reasons, it got me thinking about a disturbing tendency I notice among some immigrant families. There is marked conscious effort to dismiss one's roots as inconsequential. To them, it is savvy and smart to distance oneself from where they are from. Certainly, a natural dissociation may come after generations of living away from a place or people, but that is a natural progression. But even that does not warrant demeaning our heritage and relationships. Belittling our place of origin does not make us look better, it only shows how little we respect ourselves.

 

I realize migrating to a culture that is very different from the one we inherit lays considerable stress on a person’s bearing. We question the new notions that we accost of course, but we also challenge old assumptions. Our very identity eventually needs to be reworked so that we fit in comfortably not only with the outside, but also within our skins. But in no way can that development be aided by holding one's own countrymen in contempt. To say buying off the thelas (street carts) on the street is not exactly salubrious is one thing, to jest about those who may not afford better, or know better, is another. (Personally, I still maintain nothing can beat the flavour of thela sugarcane juice). To accept that your child will not converse well in your native language is one thing, to flaunt this lack of understanding as a source of pride is disgusting. Speaking in a non-native language (that too not very well, I may add) is not a badge of honour!

 

So what is it that makes one person a sensible immigrant and another a joke? I have had the pleasure of knowing many grounded immigrants from all over the world. Irrespective of the part of the world they come from, all successful, happy immigrants – and I mean successful psychologically and emotionally – have one common factor – they respect their home countries for whatever they are. I am not going to say India is the cleanest place in the world, but it surely has one of the most hospitable people.

 

We are all citizens of the world. And where we get to live is mostly a result of circumstance. So if we get to settle down in a new place, it does not give us the right to trash our birthplace, or that of our parents’. An officer at US immigration was telling us how it is not possible, and certainly not expected, that you disconnect your heritage. A new loyalty does not require repudiation of everything that was before.

 

Let’s face it. You do not feel better by putting down someone else. Similarly, you cannot make yourself look better by putting down something that is forever a part of you. Who we are is inextricably linked to where we are from, and if we cannot recognize any substantial good in our origins, we will be unable to be of benefit wherever we end up. Immigrants are unique, and we add immense value to our new countries because we have the culture and learnings of our birth countries. But we can never be comprehensively integrated and happy if we cannot appreciate the best of where we come from. The tree only flourishes when the roots are alive, acknowledged and nourished. Love your roots as much as your fruits.

Those who do nothing

It is a well- known quote -  "The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing." I believe that those that do nothing are not good anyway. 

We have all known at least one person who has displayed lesser mind and a harder heart than we expected. We have all learnt to relegate some 'friends' in our social circle to the 'smile and ignore' section of our awareness. 

But it becomes difficult to smile, or ignore, a person's total lack of empathy for human suffering. Yes, there is too much to deal with at times. Yes, we are individually helpless in alleviating pain and hunger. However we can talk about it, we can donate our time and money, we can make our voices heard. At the very least, we can try. And maybe we will never make a dent in helping women in Afghanistan, or school all the children in a refugee camp. But we can be nice the kid to the car wash, we can stop by for chat with a lonely neighbor. We can help by changing the energy around us. 

Even that little brightening of someone's day will help. Because everyone, everywhere, needs a pick-me-up. The world is in a mess, and oppression is widespread - political, or cultural, in small villages, or in entire countries, sometimes simmering, sometimes smoldering. But never ceasing. I am not proffering any political solutions, I am only trying to figure out our reactions.

I think when we are confronted with our helplessness in the face of a horrific reality of oppression, injustice, violence, we react in two ways. One, we turn away. 'Not my problem. What can I do anyway.' This is, of course, very wrong. Everyone can do something. We manifest. We add to the global awareness. We wish. We make a tiny ripple in our sphere of existence. There is nothing that is 'not my problem' anymore. Karma is real. Thigs across the world will affect you. Sooner than later.

Two, we hate. That strong feeling directs all the negativity to the 'villain'. The more we expand that hate, the more powerful it makes us feel. The more 'right' it makes us feel. This is a dangerous path to be on. Because hate corrodes us, it breaks down the morality we have built for ourselves. And it never solves anything. Not even in our limited  personal sphere. It is ok to let the anger come. Anger propels action. But action must help solve and resolve, not hurt or punish. 

Whether we need to shake off apathy, or dispel hate, whether we discuss with friends or participate in protest marches, we must do. We cannot pretend to be oblivious of the pain people are going through. Facile acceptance of a distressing situation just because it is not our state, is tantamount to compliance. It is selfish, irresponsible and immoral. And that is worse than apathy or hate.

A neighbor's light

 Sometimes just seeing lights in a neighbor's home can be immensely comforting. To know there is friend around. To know there is life going on at least a bit normally. To know that if the darkness does overwhelm you, you can walk to that light for comfort.

I am blessed with amazing people who live close to me - in both my homes. Late last night, as the lights went on next door, I was grateful for that simple sign of  'it's ok'. 

We underestimate how deeply the wellbeing of our neighbors is tied to ours. We share a small space of the earth, and that makes us one tribe, sharing the advantages and problems that are unique to that shared space. Physical proximity creates a bond that can be a strong source of support and happiness. In today's worried, frightened world, it is finally our tribe that makes all the difference. Family and friends will always have their place of unassailable importance in our lives, but the joy and serenity of having a good neighbor is priceless. 

I have been immensely fortunate in having friends for neighbors. I only hope I can reciprocate a modicum of the gladness they bring into my life.

 

So, this is what I cannot understand.

When people chose a leader what is their qualifying priority? Do they look for someone who is good, proper, decent? Or someone who will benefit them?

What are the qualities that define the person who gains their vote?

Earlier, I believed most people simply voted along party lines, or along their preference to change the status quo. Now I realize people vote according to who they are. And the elected define what our society is ready to become.

Ideally, we must expand our thinking and consciousness beyond a petty ‘me’. Picking a candidate for your taxes or something personal is just wildly selfish. This is the President of the country you are voting for. We need to see the big picture. We must think of the communities in need of change, the future and growth of the nation, and our standing in the world.

I understand some people cannot look or feel (or even know of anything!) beyond the narrow confines of their own homes. And well, ignorance is not a crime. So they vote on ‘I will get this break with this guy’s policies.’ That is fine too.

Where that stops being acceptable is when with the break you get, some other person is being victimized. Or when that candidate is dangerously inept or morally bankrupt (or, in the world we live in, both).

I will support the candidate who is knowledgeable, who uses his resources to bring people together, who tries make the world safer. In the worst-case scenario – who at least appears to.

When I moved to the US in 1999, I chose to be a democrat, simply because I liked Bill Clinton. I voted for Obama; well, who wouldn’t? (apparently plenty, sadly). I voted for Hillary of course. And I was so sure that even people who disliked her could see the thing she was running against. Wrong again, though she did get the most votes.

I remember one of my cousins saying stupidly that I was a democrat only till I became ‘rich’ because the taxes would make me lean republican. I am not going into the economics of the different parties because I am not qualified to make a judgment based on that. But I don’t need to, because that is not a part of the criteria for choosing my leader.

 I make a judgement on WHO the person running is. Period. And whatever party it is, whatever your benefits are, whatever your faith is, you cannot condone what that person presently sitting in the White House does. God cannot be approving of that. God does not need help to do what He wills. And we on earth certainly don’t need the hate and divisiveness brought about in the last four years.

It is important that we have a leader who does not mock the disabled, who does not talk like a lecher, and who can string together a coherent sentence. This is the very basic necessary requirement of anyone standing for office. It is not up for debate. It should not even have been needed to be addressed. We have eliminated people from the political stage for misspelling words, for inappropriate celebratory shrieks.

How much lower have we fallen that basic civilized propriety needs to be asked for?

 The still morning

The splash in the lake
The symphony of bird calls
The day promises
A renewed pursuit of hope
With the peaceful unity
Of sound and light.