Live once, Try once!

We are always told that we must 'try, try again, until you succeed'. I am yet to find a more inane and specious exhortation. What I have learnt is this - try once, or maybe twice, then forget it. Don't waste your time and energy on what is not meant to be.

Life is not easy, it is not predictable, it is not manageable. Sometimes, or maybe I should say - most times - success lies in adjusting our hopes to designs that are much greater than ours. Whether one considers such designs divinely ordained, or just the inexorable march of circumstances, one cannot deny that man is infinitesimally small compared to the goings-on of the universe. A single person's ambition is not something that matters at all.

Let us face an unambiguous truth - it is not possible to be anything you want. I want to sprout wings and be a fairy. Certainly not possible! But even in the general banal sense, it is not natural to get WHATEVER you want. Second truth - it is also perfectly all right not to get what you want. In fact, it truly is a necessity that one does not get all what one wants. Or else where is the scope for character to develop? We need strife in our souls to sharpen it, we need disappointment to soften us, we need despair to elevate us.

I am sure all of us would want to be the rich heir, or the Nobel laureate for Physics (or in my case - J.K Rowling!!). But what a boring world it would be if there were only one kind of people: the uber successful . That is why the world is full of different people with different occupations, different needs and different competencies.

I find it a trifle annoying when people say 'I want my child to know he or she can be whatever he wants'. Are you telling a child that he can be President just because he wants to? Uhuh. No way. There is a lot you need to be, to learn and to earn, to stand in that elite group of those who even tried! And so much rests on chance. Obama might never have had a chance if we did not have the past spectre of Bush, and the future fright of Palin. Right person, right time.

There are professions that catch our fancy. Try once. Leave it if it does not work out. If you really love the work involved, you will find a way to get back to it later (even if it does not pay - like my writing!). But do not put life on hold for it. There is a cornucopia of experiences waiting to be explored. Don't bind your self to one path that you simply decide to pick for yourself - especially if it is a struggle to stay on it.

Ground Zero

I am really embarrassed today. Embarrassed by the reaction to the 'Mosque at Ground Zero'. Embarrassed because it is not on Ground Zero, not even visible from where the Trade Center stood. Embarrassed because it is not even a mosque (it is a community centre with a prayer room). Embarrassed because the Tea Party is spouting its stupid, yet dangerously vitriolic, separatist ideology again. But I am most embarrassed because I can see the lunatic, and equally dangerously vitriolic, extremist 'Islamists' saying 'I told you so'. I think that nothing pleases Al Qaeda more than the wild-eyed, "No Mosque, no Muslims" protesters. Over 1 billion real Muslims are disturbed and hurt. American Muslims are disturbed, hurt, and embarrassed.

Religion has been a source of peace for centuries. However, once it is politicized, it has only brought shame, terror, injustice and inhumanity. But we never seem to learn. The very Christianity which teaches people to 'turn the other cheek' morphed into the cruel Crusades. The ever-accepting Hinduism denigrated itself by being associated itself with political clubs like the RSS and Shiv Sena. Judaism's Zionists have less spirituality and more geopolitical goals. And, of course, there is Islam's egregiously monstrous Mr. Hyde - the Taliban.

By its very nature religion can be only personal. It is inherently what one believes, and what one takes away from its code. Of course the basic tenets of any religion will remain the same. Actually the basic tenets of ALL religions are the same. It is what we apply most to our lives that varies from person to person. Dictionary.com defines religion as "a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, esp. when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs '. This set of beliefs, though general and universal, means different things to different people - both in spirit and application. One person's interpretation is never going to work for more than a couple of other people at the most. Each person entering a place of worship, even for congregational rituals, has his own mindset, his own relationship with the creator. That special connection is sacrosanct. Once religion begins to have an applied public facade, and we begin fitting everyone into one box, it loses its meaning. It becomes solely an ideology - political, self-serving, and hateful. It is not religion anymore.

The protest boards say 'No mosque at Ground Zero'. They could say 'No library at airport' or 'No synagogue near this coffee shop'. It means exactly the same thing. Someone telling someone where to do what - for no other reason that they believe that they have the might to do so (they certainly do not have the right!).

Ground Zero is a symbol of the most dastardly act of terrorism. It is a gash that for unfathomable reasons has not been filled, and after 9 years remains only a hurtful reminder instead of the planned memorial. I cannot begin to imagine the pain of relatives of the victims when even I feel a stab of pain every time I see a picture of the erstwhile WTC. It is hallowed ground, not only because of the number of innocent lives cut down so cruelly, but because of those brave souls who rushed in to try and save them. We are only adding insult to injury by associating it with shallow, ignoble motives, such as ranting incoherently against the building of a house of faith.

And that is why I, along with the inevitable embarrassment I spoke of, also feel a disquieting angst. It is not simply that they are protesting a constitutionally guaranteed place of worship in a dilapidated part of the city, but it is the very fact that there are such amongst us who make that sharp a distinction between 'us' and 'them'. It is exactly this psyche that humanity must not tolerate. It is not only about constitutional rights, it is not only about tolerance or acceptance. It is much, much bigger. Much, much more frightening. It is about people needing to empower themselves - with hate and anger.

They are rallying against converting a nondescript, now-defunct (like the rest of the street) Burlington Coat factory store to a community centre, which is also blocks away from Ground Zero. Shakespeare's Hamlet comes to my mind. "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." There is nothing to complain about. Nothing is changing - not the people who are involved, not the building that was designated and passed by municipal laws, and certainly not the country (unless those that oppose it have their way!). The only change the centre might bring is a little life to the dead block, and maybe some economic upliftment. It does not even change the area's skyscape!

No, it is not the building/centre/mosque that is bothering those complaining, demented minds. It is not about anyone's feelings, or the proximity to any special ground. It is simply about control. It is the fear that something unfamiliar is also exercising its right to exist. It is the apprehension of the unenlightened that they will have to open their minds, if not their hearts, to see that the world is made up of very differing peoples and faiths and ideas - and none of them are 'the other bad one'. The part that is scary is that instead of seeing this, or even trying to open a dialogue, people would rather lie to ceate hysteria, and scream themselves silly. We degrade into beasts when we begin to think we are better then anyone else, and that only what we have is acceptable.

It is heinous arrogance when we begin to believe that we have the right to determine what somebody else does, irrespective of its legality, or their entitlement to it. But when we begin to assume the right to determine what someone should think, by telling them what and where to pray, it is beyond the moral code of anything human.

Using force is not strength

Tell me if I am wrong - I think that women who are pushy and brash are just intolerably disgusting. And yes, specifically women. It is bad enough to see one of those 'feminists' who do not have the graces that our gender-identity is virtually predicated upon. There is something exceptionally disgraceful about a woman behaving as badly as an uncouth man (For my ideas on feminism, please see old blogs of 2008 such as Woman Be Thyself).

I had a parent of a bullying six-year-old girl explain to me that her behaviour was 'quite ok' because it was a reflection of how 'strong' she is. Then she had the gall to add that other girls might 'need to learn from her, quite frankly'. Quite frankly, on my part, it took a lot of self-control not to simply smack the ridiculous notion out of her head. Maybe then she would have known what a victim of aggression feels. Sadly, I had to smile and tell her about the evidently meaningless zero-tolerance school policy for bullying.

Somehow people tend to confuse glamour with greatness, money with success, success with contentment, and imitation with improvement. We associate actresses with emotional intelligence they sometimes so sorely lack. We point to to the rich as models for our children to follow, and predict that wealth will bring them the satisfaction of achievement. Women copy the roles of men, as if just making inroads into an all-male field is in itself a laudable goal. (really? A puerile 'what he can do, I can do better'?) Hillary Clinton is Superwoman, yes. But not because she challenged the status quo but because of who she is. Her confidence is due to her intelligence and values. Her aggressiveness is because of her success, not vice versa.

People are misled because the picture of strength we see around us does not tell the whole story.

And that brings me to the issue that really baffles me. How did we get to be so shallow as to even confuse strength with bluster? Our regular diet of TV shows portray successful people as mean, over-confident, brash personalities. Rudeness is made cool. Winning is all-important. I love the brilliantly rude Dr. House, and I even enjoy his mean humor. However, a child watching it might take away a lesson that it is perfectly alright to hurt someone as long as you are a recognized genius. Now that I have met the parent I spoke of, I am not sure if all adults have the maturity to handle these shows! Shows like Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives tell us that 'strong' and 'independent' women do whatever it takes to get what they want. But because our lives are not exactly scripted to entertain we imbibe overbearing pushiness to no avail.

And its not only the media. Aggressive drivers, who basically are downright stupid, are admired. The corporate world actually justifies horrendous competitive cannibalism by a trite 'its a dog eat dog world.' (Not if we don't play the game). Women who have reached the top become role models, notwithstanding the fact that they are recognized more for their highhandedness. Is Meg Whitman strong because she threw millions into a gubernatorial race just to get what she wanted? Or is it the single mother working two jobs, and still smiling at the end of the day? Who should we admire? Gandhi threw out the British without a mean word, let alone any 'show of force' (except of character). Would not anyone in the world find him strong?

So, what is strength? It is the maturity to know when it's wrong to join the crowd, even if you need to stand alone. It is the ability to stand up to injustice of course, but I believe it is also the ability to resist committing that injustice. It is the ability to overcome disadvantages of course, but it is also the ability to become an advantage to someone else. It is the perseverance to work towards your dream most ceratinly, but it is more so the maturity to accept that it may not work out exactly as planned. It is the ability to win, to help, and to be able to say, 'it is fine, I am me, no matter what'. There is more fortitude required to stop yourself from lashing out, than to give vent to anger. Real strength will pull people toward you, not push them away.

In this society of excess and ease, everything is readily available, and life is conveniently manageable. The detriment to this is that because we can manage without anyone's help, we tend to believe that we actually do not need anyone. With the pressure from everywhere - parents, media, schools - to reach for the stars, we forget that our feet should be grounded. Everyone can reach for the stars, but it is only the courageous who look below to make sure they do not trample someone else.

Oh America!

Ok. This is going to be a really angry blog. So if you cannot open your mind and accept different opinions, don't read further.

My ire is directed towards American ideology. Not the original set of ideals as embodied in the superb Declaration of Independence, but as it stands today- portrayed in the behaviour of citizens and the government. Let me try and limn the sciolism I feel so strongly about.

The prevailing American characteristic is only one - Pride. This deplorable feature sets the tone for all things - policy, thought, and action. In short there is one way you can describe it - "my way or the highway" (One of the most disgusting American sayings I have come across). This attitude is reflected in the evaluation process of foreign degrees. Just because the dumb kids here cannot learn required material in three years (and sometimes not even four) they do not recognize degrees from India as a full graduate course. Needless to say, what I learned in the three years is infinitely more extensive than some of the Master's programs here. That's the main reason I will not study further here to be 'certified'. I will not accept that my education is any way lacking - specially in comaprison to higher education here. It is, of course, another matter that I can afford to stay at the lower pay scale. But there are many others who simply have to spend that much money and time to get the 'one year more' to be considered a graduate.

The attitude continues into the workplace. American companies are notoriously callous about employees. They have a set of rules, usually terribly hierarchical, and 'that's the way the cookie crumbles' (another stupid American cliche). In every other organization - European, Japanese, and especially Indian, the employees bond with each other and the company. Simple things like office parties, lunching together, family outings arranged department-wise, managers personally asking subordinates about known health issues, are all common. Never happens in American organizations.

I definitely need not go into the arrogance of American foreign policy. Whether its 'shock and awe' (have you heard of a more vainglorious statement?) or trying to 'win the hearts and minds', they always get it wrong. Why? Because they assume they are right. Period. No other opinion is even considered.

Democracy is not sarcosant just because America has it. In fact, America still needs to learn its own self-proclaimed democracy. Maybe they should look to India where every vote counts. Where a woman has an absolutely equal chance of winning. Where a middle class scientist can be made President even though he is from the minority community,where we accept an Italian woman as one of our own, and give her the respect and position she enjoys solely on what she has done, and given up, for the country.

So when they have the gall to say they want to 'teach' democracy it bothers me. It bothers me immensely because the people they are trying to teach may not want it at all. A good gun does not give anyone the right to dictate a way of life. They know it, they espouse this very ideal of freedom of choice. But again it is pride that blinds them to the fact that the right belongs to the other person also. Just because the other person does not speak American English does not make him ignorant, stupid or inferior.

I remember the first time I had visited this country that I am still trying to accept as home. I had come after pleasant visit to England, and was expecting this leg of my vacation to be better. What I encountered here was a coldness and inhospitality that was at odds to what one expects after seeing Hollywood movies or the sitcoms:

You expect Americans to be friendly - they are cold

You expect to see equality and fairness - and there is none - not in race, not in gender.

You expect that they value freedom and 'pursuit of happiness' - but it does not apply to those who do not have a US passport. Or to those who do not have money.

You expect them to be intelligent and open-mined - but there is Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck.

The American ideology today is simply might is right. So if you have the money to live well, have fun, and others be damned. If you have the firepower, use it. If you have the audience, influence it. Get what you want, then forget any sense of responsibility - to the world, society or the environment. It is disconcerting that they have the audacity to question what should or should not be in the wonderful Pledge of Allegiance. It annoys me that they have drifted so far from the spirit this country was founded on. But what saddens me is that no other American seems to be annoyed.

But I understand why - its simply arrogance. It is the haughty presumption that comes from getting too much too easily. It is the false pride of believing oneself better only because one is better off. And we all know what goeth just before the fall.

Unstereotyping the stereoptype

I heard someone say that they are colorblind, meaning that they do not see a person's color or ethnicity. I am not. I see the color of skin, I hear the inflection of the accent, I see when a person still bears some culture of his or her roots. And I enjoy it. I love seeing how different we all are - how wonderful and varied our experiences and outlooks are. I believe if you need to be 'colorblind' to make a friend you are not being honest to them or to yourself.

Stereotypes are real. There is a reason why a particular trait or characteristic gets associated with a certain sect. Obviously, it is unacceptable when we differentiate based on those stereotypes. But it is also wrong if we do not acknowledge those traits. Simply because they are there!! It's a fact.

I spoke of skin color but it applies everywhere in our lives, in every aspect. Nationalities, communities, physical sizes, intellectual identities - all have their own distinct, undeniable quintessence. Each one of us has myriad personae we project. And if as humans we cannot relish this fact and enjoy this variety we lose out life's most beautiful aspect - our differences. I want my acquaintances to notice I am Indian, Muslim, almost-fat, and that I am weirdly outspoken. I want my friends to acknowledge all the positives and negatives of my background (what negatives?!). I think people would find it easier to know me if they work with the stereotypes I project. Yes, I eat well (in terms of size of helpings!), I eat lots of spices, (brown skin) I like to save money (desi/Indian!). Where I differ in the prevailing stereotype (I am not comfortable with technology, and I do not bite into my 't's) will just make me more distinctive, more memorable to those who accost me for a short time.

We consider sterotyping damaging because of amateurish articles like this one I read online:

"A "stereotype" is a generalization about a person or group of persons. We develop stereotypes when we are unable or unwilling to obtain all of the information we would need to make fair judgments about people or situations. In the absence of the "total picture," stereotypes in many cases allow us to "fill in the blanks." Our society often innocently creates and perpetuates stereotypes, but these stereotypes often lead to unfair discrimination and persecution when the stereotype is unfavorable."

No, unfair discrimination has nothing to do with the perception we have of people. Having viewpoints, and even prejudices, is absolutely natural. But to act on them in a vile way or to arbitrarily apply the generalizations we make in our heads, is wrong. People who cannot look beyond the notions they already have when they meet an individual have more serious problems than just 'stereotyping'.

The same article continues: "For example, if we are walking through a park late at night and encounter three senior citizens wearing fur coats and walking with canes, we may not feel as threatened as if we were met by three high school-aged boys wearing leather jackets. Why is this so? We have made a generalization in each case."

Of course we have made the generalization! And that generalization makes us more careful. It is part of human nature to use experiences to make judgements. The teenagers walking towards you are also making decisions based on what they see of you. Discrimination and racism have nothing to do with sterotypes. It has to do with hate, and ignorance. We should not accept the specious explanation that what we think, unconciously at times, must translate into an egregious voluntary act. After all, every one of us has a moral map to work with. And those with deficient morality do not need stereotyping to be hurtful.

So why be afraid to stereotype? We are different, and I am sick of this 'we are one' concept. We are not. We are a whole world of different people. One world, yes, but certainly not one people. We should not need to be the same to be accepted. We must welcome and embrace our differences. It is when the differences are significant and characterestic that stereotypes arise. So how can something natural be wrong ? I find it downright dumb when people point out someone else as different. Uh - that makes you different too. By its very nature things that make anyone or anything stand apart, differentiates on both sides. Differences distinguish between two dissimilar things. Them and us. You and me. That and this. White and black. Rich and poor. BOTH sides are different.

Once a person realises this essence of variability, differences do not matter. All injustice occurs when people hold themsleves up as the right standard. And when they assume that they themselves are the correct form of humanity and everyone else is the digression. It's when such people make derogatory remarks that the problems are created. It may be a feeling of inferiority, it may be the fear of not being as good as other person. Profiling a person may help in initial assessment - but harassment solely on that basis, of course, is heinously criminal. I do not believe it to be inherently wrong to pull a coloured or bearded man over for a check - but to be rude and contemptuous, or to prolong the checking unnneccesarily is unjust.

Racism, and biased behaviour, is a horrible indication of our worst base instincts. But let us not make a facile excuse of blaming it on our tendency to sterotype people.

Love thyself?

Another wondrous epiphany today - as usual - in the daily humdrum of life. Today a friend of mine did something that is very characteristic of her. My reaction to her act taught me a new thing about people. We can really like someone, and still hold very little regard for their intellect.

My friend 'rescued' 4 little rabbits from their nest. They died within 24 hours of the rescue. I asked if they seemed distressed or in danger. No. I asked if they seemed starved or dehydrated. No. She just found the nest; and in it found cute, furry, active kits and took them. I am certain it had very little to do with compassion, and more to do with possessing something cute and wild. She calls herself an 'animal lover'.

And I sat there thinking as she struggled to play mother to the last dying kit in her palm, (which was fine until a few hours before). I could see the discomfort of the little bunny being fed some weird chemical concoction in some fancy tiny bottle, sadly dying in surroundings it could never comprehend. And I cannot even imagine the agony of the mother when she returns to her empty nest.

It really bothered me that she was concerned on how distraught her daughter was that the bunnies were dying, and she never gave a thought on how the bunnies themselves were feeling. Everyone who came by claimed to love animals (with that special kind of condescension that creeps into most voices making such statements), yet no one asked if she waited to see if the mother would come back. No one asked if the bunnies would be more comfortable dying in their own nest instead of a shoebox. How can we claim to love, when we do not even try to understand?

I realise that most of us do not even know our own intentions. That is why just being nice is simply not enough. Man has been blessed with a brain for a reason. Our actions have effects, and those effects decide if we have done any good. A good intention alone is not rectitude - it must be followed up by thought-out and voluntary action. A soft heart is of no use if it comes in combination with a soft head. One has to think, and know, and reflect, before acting. We cannot just act on the spur of the moment, even if we think we are being altruistic and kind. Our impulses, unfortunately, are usually selfish. So selfish in fact, that we do not even acknowledge it!

Nowhere is man's selfishness more pronounced than in our interactions with those we deem less than us. I have seen dogs wearing ribbons in their hair, birds being preened by rough brushes, cats being given manicures. No one can convince me that they are indifferent to it, let alone that they enjoy it!

In an earlier article, I have spoken of how we have made a mockery of what we consider 'pets'. It is all a function of our superiority complex. Of how we think we can make decisions about every living thing that we can dominate. The dysfunctional part is that we pretend we are doing good, that we are compassionate even though we cage birds that should fly, and put whales in what would virtually be a tub for for them. We must be a special kind of dumb to call ourselves animal-lovers!

So when we are clapping at the show where the elephant has been tortured into standing on two hind feet, or scream in delight at the dolphins leaping at the trainer's command, let us at least concede that we have subjugated them to our will. And not because we love them, but because we love ourselves.

Step Back

I do not mean to sound audacious, but I just thought I need to try and put in writing something special this mother's day. Far be it for me to assume that there was anything extraordinary in my mothering. But there may be something there that I have such a perfect child! I will not even attempt to define myself as a mother. Good or bad, it will be only my daughter's prerogative to write about.
I will not even presume to talk about sons - because I do not have one. I believe that with a son it is an entirely different dynamic.
I will just put across some insight that I have gleaned along the way. It was not premeditated, or even contrived. Its something that just worked for me. I hope someone can learn from it - and be able to have the same joy I have everyday of having a daughter for a best friend.
For one thing, never get involved in your child's life, especially after she hits teenage. Sounds terrible, but think about it. I have seen too many mothers trying to ensure that their daughters have the perfect life. They will fight the fights, direct every move. Well-meaning of course, but severely damaging to the relationship. The child is her own person. She has, and always will have, her own world. You do not belong there. Her friends, music, even studies, are in a realm that you have left; yours was in a different time - and in all probability a different place too! Oh yes, she belongs in your world. Do not force yourself into a door that never really was yours to open. The only door you can open is to YOUR own life. You may not belong in that new domain she has, but she of course belongs in yours. Do not close that to her. Let your child be a part of your space. Don't ask about her friends; tell her about yours. Do not try and inveigle an invitation to her parties, let her come with you to yours. Do not badger her about her dreams - they are yet nascent. Tell her about yours, both the shattered and the burgeoning. The capital of experiences she will build by learning through your trials and successes will help her through life.
Another thing I have learnt (the easy way - by just listening to my daughter!). Time is important. Not its passing, or its utilization. Your time with her. A lot of time simply wasted in 'quality time together', 'learning time,' 'bonding time'. She does not need that! She just needs you to watch that horrendous movie with her (even if all you do is mindlessly criticize the whole time!) Or share a cupcake( or two) with her. Simply, just that.

Do not misinterpret the fallback that I am advocating as a lack of responsibility. You have to be there - always, with the smile and the hug of course, but also with the stern eye and the big lecture. I am not going to talk of morals, ethics or principles - because it is what you have that she will pick up - whether you like it or not. And as she grows she may just as well discard yours for her own!
Just be there, accepting, but non-intrusive, and then step back and let her take wing. You will delight in the individual she becomes. It is simple wisdom I wanted to share. But then, is wisdom ever simple?